To give in and do it myself?

[Bobbiepin]

disclaimer to start with - DH is usually a great husband, although can be a bit crappy on the wifework front

So DH always comes to bed after me, it's always been like this. Since DD has had a bottle, he's sterilized one before bed so it's ready for her first morning feed. It's never been something we discussed, he just always did it.

Over the last couple of weeks he's been forgetting. I asked him if there was a reason why and he didn't think it was a thing he did. Anyway, he agreed it was useful and that he should continue doing it.

This morning I go to make her bottle and there's no sterilized bottle ready. By the time its cooled enough to use she's crying and I'm pissed off. He says to me that he asked me last night if there was one ready. I apparently said there was. The only way thia conversation could have happened was if I was asleep. (I do sleep talk, obviously not giving reliable answers though).

He doesn't understand that I'm pissed off he couldn't look in the microwave or the prep for a bottle & seen there wasn't one done. In my mind he's an adult and doesn't need to ask those sorts of things.

Part of me is tempted to just do it myself so I know its done, but why should I? We agreed this is his responsibility and I want him to do it. AIBU?

It's a very trivial thing to get so fussed about! (You don't need to sterilise after 6 months anyway). Pick your battles - this is just trying to prove a point, isn't it? Not worth the stress!

Must tell my health visitor she’s wrong then...

I'm not sure you need to keep sterilizing?

Good hit soapy water should be enough

I've also heard that you need to sterilise bottles up to 12 months, because of the nasty milk bacteria.

Though, if your dishwasher goes to 70 degrees, you can sterilise them on the top rack of that!

Hmm, though UK guidelines do recommend you do it until 12 months due the bacteria growing quickly in milk

You don't need to sterilise for an 8 month old!! They are usually licking the cats tail or picking mud out of the doormat at that age. Do you sterilise all spoons, bowls, cups etc also?
Bottles need to be made correctly because the powdered milk isn't 100% sterile, that's the dry powder needing hot water, not the bottle itself needing to be heated in a microwave.

My HV also told me that all bottles and dummies should be sterilised for the first year. I don't think YABU, my partner does the sterilised every night and I do bedtime and that's how it's always been

I thought this thread was about the principle of OP's husband being lazy with the bottles. We choose to sterilise for our much older DD because bottles go in the dishwasher and sometimes have a bit of residue. I'm too lazy to wash them all by hand every day.

OP, I'm not cleaning DD's teeth any more because I can't cope with wrestling with her at 35 weeks pregnant. Every morning I have to remind DH or it wouldn't get done. It's tedious. I know exactly what you're talking about.

@citysnicker this is the advice I'm following : www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/sterilising-bottles/
Feel free to show your HV.

@mybabystolemysanity that's exactly it. If others want to stop sterilizing earlier or continue it later, fantastic. I have made my decision about what works for my dd.

In terms of baby care, I'm the one that gets up in the night, who has her all day, has done the lions share of feeding & weaning. His week day baby care consists of 20 mins of play time & giving her a bottle. I didn't think shoving a bottle in the microwave was that hard.

@zeeboo no, just bottles and dummies as I said before. She's licking all sorts and I'm not precious about that but sterilizing her bottles is something I won't bend on. Even (most) dummies dropped inside get a lick from me then go back to her.

*Just do this, just do that.

You end up just doing it all*

Something a lot of us have learned the hard way. Don’t give in, OP. He needs to take charge not just follow instructions with you doing all the thinking.

Just buy another two mam bottles

If you’re keen on still doing it....do it yourself then give him responsibility for something more inconvenient to him if he forgets (that he doesn’t already do)..cooking on a certain night...or all his own washing. I would get the rage ‘nagging’ him.
I feel your pain though. My partner has a habit of dumping used bottles on my side of the bed...or leaving the Perfect Prep refill jug on my side...when he could quite easily tidy up after himself. I put them on his bedside table and they stay there till he deals with them himself.

@lukeandlorelai4ever we could have 100 bottles but if I have to come downstairs whilst the baby is crying and there is no bottle done, that doesn't solve the problem. Love the username btw.

@citysnicker we both agreed on it, it's his choice as much as mine. He's usually a good husband and I don't want to (effectively) punish him for not doing his chores by giving him others. The point is, he's an adult and I have one baby to parent and I don't need to be his mother too.

@shoesandfood gets it. Today I'm sterilizing a bottle (or reminding him to), in a few months I'll be laying out DD's clothes in the morning so he gets her ready for nursery etc. I'm not his PA and he is her father. He needs to step up responsibility. All I'm asking is one little bottle!!

Yeah I'd be annoyed too... They clock on fast that if they don't do something well, you will just give up asking. When he comes up to bed I'd ask if he's done it and if he hasn't he can go right back downstairs and do it. Or hand him a screaming baby as I stroll to the kitchen and sterilise a bottle.

Has something about his and her nighttime routine changed, eg was he feeding her a bottle at night and then sterilizing that bottle, but now she doesn’t have that feed at that time?
I find that sometimes tasks are embedded in a routine and when something changes you can drop a job without realizing it.

I’ve found it more effective to say “I really appreciate when you xxx because it gets my day off to a smooth start” rather than tackling it as a problem when it’s not being done (and I know you don’t want to have to manage him and praising such a small thing might feel a bit babyish, but I also think it pays in relationships to appreciate small things we do for each other)

I don’t think you should just do it, because that’s a slippery slope. Actually I think it’s really important for our generation to push for equality at home and equality of child rearing total hypocrisy from me as a sahm and these small things matter. But I also agree that it shouldn’t cause you this much frustration. Maybe if you can accept that this is one of those things that’s going to take a bit of effort to straighten out it won’t be as maddening?

Have you actually said to him that you need him to check stuff himself and not rely on you to know? That’s a really important thing to get straight (and I envy your clarity on this because I was too sleep deprived to see the pitfalls) but it’s not necessarily something he will know he’s doing if you don’t say it. Obviously if you can say stuff calmly without being emotional or critical it has a better chance of getting through. But do try and say these things and not just think slow simmering resentment them

It's never been something we discussed, he just always did it.

We agreed this is his responsibility and I want him to do it

So, which is it?

@lapenguin I'm asleep when he comes to bed & if DD is crying in the morning (as harsh as this sounds) a couple of minutes won't hurt her. She stays in her cot. He did get up when she was crying this morning, changed her nappy and comforted her whilst I sorted the bottle.

@alanamackree thank you for that. No routine change, it's totally baffled me that he had no idea he was doing it. We're quite open about things that are bugging us about eachother and we've had that conversation. He agreed to do it and didn't last night because I had apparently told him there was one done. We've discussed it tonight and he said said he wasn't gonna do one if there was one ready. I told him to always do one. An extra bottle ready is not a problem. I'm lucky enough atm that DD is sleeping well (for now, I'm aware sleep is a fragile thing). I didn't stop bf until she was sleeping better for this exact reason because I couldn't be arsed with the faff of a bottle at night.

I am just stressed with other stuff that's going on and am at the tail end of some mild PND (which I'm seeing someone about) but this is really frustrating!!

When I stopped by at night he did a bottle off his own back. When he forgot a couple of times and it annoyed me, we spoke about it and he agreed to continue it. In his mind he hadn't forgotten because he didn't originally see it as a thing he did.

*stopped BF

@bobbiepin I can't completely understand your frustration as when you're tired and do the lions share you can't see the wood from the trees! I have a newborn and I also go crazy at dp for the small things.
I would just buy an extra two and have them done the night before so always one ready.
Get him to buy them

Sorry I mean I CAN!!!!

I know I'm better off sterilizing 4 bottles when I usually do 2 before we go out (even though you can only do a maximum of 3 at a time) and it wouldn't be much bother. However, it bugs me that there's this one little thing that he can do to be involved and more importantly, help me out, and its not done. Its 30 seconds out his day to help me and he isn't doing it consistently.