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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to walk away?

12 replies

NewGirl1990 · 12/06/2018 01:32

I've been with my DP on and off for almost a decade.
About 3 months ago we got into an argument over his jealously and things seemed abit off then about a month and a half ago we got into an argument about how he speaks to me and treats me, which resulted in him making what I took as a threat to physically hurt me and so we broke up. We've had a very dramatic relationship and when we were younger broke up because of how controlling he was but he got help and things were a lot better in that respect. Once he realised I was serious about breaking up he became apologetic and has been saying constantly how he'll do anything and was going to propose and wants us back together. Then a couple of weekends ago I was out with friends and he went mad and was calling and texting me and threatening to do more things and when I spoke with him the next day he made threats again to be physical. He never has ever in the past laid a finger on me and it's always been emotional but whenever he has spoken to me over the last month and a half he's downplayed the threats to the point were I am now questioning whether they were even that serious and whether I should get back with this person I'd planned my life with. My head is so conflicted as to what the right thing to do is and I suppose my question is, can people change? If he has changed from the person he was when he was younger then can this be something he can work on too or am I right to leave just in case something may happen in the future?
Sorry for the length and the rambling, I'm just so conflicted and my head is all over the place. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 12/06/2018 01:35

I don't think he will change, I would keep away from him.

Candyflip · 12/06/2018 01:41

I am surprised you lasted that long. Do you really want to waste another 10 years on him? His jealousy and possessiveness sound awful and threatening you with violence is disgusting. Do you want children in the future? Do you want them to witness this shit? Run. He sounds like a massive cunt.

Sammyham · 12/06/2018 01:47

Run

Monty27 · 12/06/2018 01:57

Run

Puffycat · 12/06/2018 02:05

You really need to take a bloody long look in the mirror at yourself and say “I am valuable, I am worthwhile, I can achieve, I can be anything I want and anybody who makes me feel otherwise has NO place in my life”
He won’t change, you have doubts, listen to your doubts.
This guy is total trouble.
If you don’t get away now you will end up in a sad, depressing, controlled situation and he’ll start being physically violent. Cos they do.
It’s a control thing , he’s controlled you for 10 years, you are in the “oh but he’s a nice guy really and doesn’t mean it, he only does it cos he loves me” phase.
Bollocks
You are worth so much more, look at yourself, tell yourself that and get him out of your life.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/06/2018 02:13

People do change a bit over the course of their lives, but generally not that fundamentally. And the evidence in front of you (at least, the evidence you've shared with us) is that your DP is changing into someone you don't really feel safe around and he only changes (or makes noises about changing) the things that are harmful to you when you play a game of brinksmanship with him and leave. So he's only prepared to give the least amount he can to keep what he wants, he doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart at all.

Fivelittleduckies · 12/06/2018 02:14

Definitely would recommend leaving this relationship - his threats of physical violence are a huge red flag and I wouldn’t think they will remain only threats for much longer. He sounds incredibly controlling and possessive and I would leave now.

NewGirl1990 · 12/06/2018 02:18

Thank you al! I think writing it down has made me see more that it was the right decision to walk away. I do want children but I think everything that's happened has made me petrified that if I did have children with him what they would be put through. Whenever I have tried to explain this to him though he doesn't believe it's a valid reason for us to not be together and that I can't be that scared of him and there must be something else going on. He keeps messaging me telling me he loves me and will do anything and is saying I'm being unfair to be able to cut him off so completely. I know the easiest thing would be to block him number but we have a house and financial things we need to sort out so that's really not an option. I think because of how nice he is being now its starting to get into my head that he wasn't all bad but I know in the same breath I deserve better. My head is just completely frazzled with it all and yes I know if I was reading this id think the exact same and would question how someone could stay but I suppose being in the situation it's always different and you don't want to see the negative or you just make excuses for it.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 12/06/2018 02:44

"Whenever I have tried to explain this to him though he doesn't believe it's a valid reason for us to not be together and that I can't be that scared of him and there must be something else going on."

That's a common script with men like him.

You staying is depending on him convincing you that he isn't a threat and everything is normal.

That's dangerous in itself because he isn't repenting and making amends for his actions.

This relationship will turn physical, especially when you are pregnant.

He hasn't changed, the behaviour is still going on and getting worse.

The only thing you can do is to leave him for good and live the life that you deserve.

He will rob you of that life, he already has taken so much time from you. He will also take away the enjoyment of a pregnancy and how life should be with a newborn and children.

You are caught up in all the drama and it's scary to set up a new life and new normal.

You won't get any joy from speaking to him.

The best thing you could do is to just communicate via Email about legal matters and ignore anything else.

thebewilderness · 12/06/2018 03:18

There is a book you need called Why Does He DO That.
It will help you make your no stick with this abusive and controlling man.
Here is a link to the PDF
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

chocolatestrawberries · 12/06/2018 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewGirl1990 · 12/06/2018 10:11

Thank you for recommending the book, it's now on my nightly reading list so hopefully I can get some insight.

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