Marriage troubles at 5months pregnant

[alwayslookonthebrightside87]

I don't know wether I need advice or wether I just need to write this down.

Me and my husband have been together for 7 years and happily married for 2. We are both very fiery. Both very stubborn and both terrible at talking. I've always been of one of those people that pick my fights and so if it's not worth an argument I won't bother. And it's worked. We love each other so deeply, we just...Work. Like it's meant to be. It shouldn't work but it does. We both socialise together (and of course have our own girls/boys nights). But we love an eve down the pub or a weekend away. We are each other's best mate.

But this all changed when I fell pregnant. I'm now 5 months and have never been so unhappy. I'm lonely. He's always out, or moaning that he's not out. He seems to be drinking, everyday. And a lot. And he goes out for what he tell me is just a few drinks down the pub and doesn't get in till gone midnight. I've told him that it's not fair. I'm lonely and that he should be supporting me, not leaving me to it. Along with that, we just don't get on anymore. We never have anything nice to say to each other. We argue constantly and I just feel like he would rather be anywhere else than Home with me. I have told him how I feel but he doesn't get it. He just gets cross with me and tell me he's a grown man and doesn't need to ask permission to go out. Why should he have to stay in just cos I'm being boring.

It's got to the point where I am genuinely thinking of cutting my losses and moving out. I'm so tired of putting on a front to everyone. And to myself. I feel so disgusting, I don't feel like me anymore, I don't feel attractive, and I don't feel confident. Am I just overreacting? Is it just hormones? Will it get worse when baby is here? Will my feeling towards him get better...or worse? I don't know. My parents go away this week and I'm thinking of moving into their house just to get a bit of space and to work out what I want to do...

Do it - you've told him how you're feeling and he's put going out drinking before you. That's not what a relationship, never mind a marriage, is about. Give yourself a break and some breathing space.

Was it a joint decision to have a baby?

Yes, ever since we've been together he's wanted to start having children. I've been the one holding back as I wanted to enjoy life before the responsibilities being a parents brings. It's unfair, nothing changes for him. He can carry on with his social life, drinking, his body stays the same, his hormones don't go up and down like a yo yo. I've been trying to get him feel the baby move for the past couple weeks as I can really feel her. He just gets impatient and begins rolling his eyes when he doesn't feel her. She was rolling around today at work and I got my brother (I work with him) to feel her and he did. It's was amazing as I had begun feeling like I was imagining it! I was so excited to come to get hubby to feel her but instead he went ballistic that my brother had felt her move before him. I just feel I can't win, whatever I do or say, it's like I'm making it up. He keeps me out till late as I'm a "party pooper", makes plans before asking me and if I complain I'm tired or don't want to do something he thinks I'm being over dramatic....

The thing is, this is so the opposite to who I've known for the last 7 years. I've been his princess but now it's like he hates the attention I get or hates giving me his attention. Like he's jealous of me for being pregnant?

I'm so upset as all I've been dreamt about is being pregnant and having a family. But I'm so unhappy...and almost regretful. Not for the baby, but for not knowing what I was signing up for...

He sounds very immature and not like he's really accepted how much his life should change by becoming a dad.
I don't think he's a good partner.

He really sounds like an idiot.

Some men do go a bit crazy at this time though, especially if they haven't matured enough. Maybe you should read him the riot act, and tell him if he doesn't sort himself out, you're going (if you mean it, of course). He could be ok once he meets the baby etc, but for now it looks like he's bucking against the restrictions.

However also watch out if his behaviour becomes more controlling - abuse often starts during pregnancy.

OP i'm curious to know what you mean by "We love each other so deeply, we just...Work. Like it's meant to be. It shouldn't work but it does."

Why should it not work? Are there some things about him that you're not mentioning (say, things that "look bad on paper", so to speak?) Or what? Most people don't say that about good relationships -- it makes me think there is some concerning behaviour there.

Sorry to say this, but it's only going to get much much worse once the baby arrives!

You have to make it very clear what your expectations are, you don't want to be having these arguments when baby is here and you are both exhausted.

I agree, he sounds really immature, how old is he if you don't mind me asking?

In my experience they don't change. They promise to for marriage and children but my dd is a year old now and nothing has changed. Been wondering the same as you lately op whether to cut my losses, especially as I am heavily pregnant as well.

Good luck!

Care you still socialising together? Or is he just going out on his own. Have you stopped doing so many things together, just wondered what has changed

So you didn't really have a good relationship, things were good when all you had to do was go out drinking and socialising together. You're realising that there needs to be more to life than that now, and he's showing his true colours. We went to a pre arranged beer and music festival in my first trimester, I wasn't drinking and was shattered by ten. It was in PILs little village so said I was going to go back to their house to bed, DH straight away said he would come with me, I convinced him to stay with his family as we'd only told them the news that day and he was enjoying himself. He walked me back and then messaged me to make sure I was ok, etc. It's fine for the other person to not follow your exact schedule but he should be considering you first and certainly not demanding you stay out late when you're not up to it. He sounds very selfish and immature.

Your first few comments describe an unhealthy relationship - not being able to talk openly with one another. This has to be a prerequisite for a strong relationship of any kind, but especially as co-parents?

You say you’re both fiery and stubborn as if it’s ok but I don’t think two fiery stubborn parents are what a child needs.

If you’ve been ‘picking your fights’ it sounds like you’ve allowed him to have a go at you before and this has become the dynamic. Maybe now you’re pregnant you’re naturally more protective of yourself (which is good) and therefore putting up with less of his bullsh1t. And yes- it definitely is bullsh1t his behaviour.

You need to draw your boundaries and if he crosses them- which it sounds like he will - leave him.

He does sound like an arse, but in an attempt to think from his pov - Maybe he's thinking you should both be getting out now as much as you can before you can't any more once baby comes?

He sounds a bit depressed and so do you. Loads of dads-to-be go through a bit of a crisis, especially men who aren't very good at dealing with conflicted feelings- excitement, awe, fear, worry about supporting a family, feeling trapped, feeling overwhelmed etc. Does he have Dad/mates/brother who can support him through? Or a local dads group? Does he have a network of friends who are good dads? ante natal classes might help you both.
And yes, maybe he is jealous of you for being pregnant?

Just to give a bit of balance... My dh was like this when I was pregnant with our first child - he behaved like he was on death row and partied hard. We had loads of arguments about it and I felt very resentful.

He calmed down once the baby was born when he realised his life pre baby hadn't ended. I wish I could tell myself 3 years ago to chill out and let the phase pass.

It sounds like you have a good relationship so don't move out, talk to him and see if he will reign it in but give him leeway as well, compromise.