I'm lonely. Will I ever feel better?

[Doingreat]

I'm ending an abusive marriage and am a single mum. I was unbelievably lonely in that marriage as my husband was always at work or busy with his family and friends. He was physically, emotionally, financially abusive for a big chunk of our marriage and it took over a year to get him to move out. We were married for nearly 12 years. One ds.

I've lost all in laws in this process as people find it awkward to keep in contact.

I'm lonely all the time. I have siblings and df who i sometimes see on weekends but that's it. They live about an hour away. I do everything on my own. Working part time. School pick up. Drop offs. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning. Eat on my own. Sometimes the whole day passes and I realise I haven't spoken to an adult. A meaningful face to face conversation.

Loneliness just eats away at me. I hate it. I don't feel part of the human race sometimes. And feel like I'm developing some sort of anxiety where I sometimes no longer want to be around people either.

I have a few friends. On weekends they are busy with their families. Evenings and weekends are the worst. I take ds out on weekends but I find it difficult planning, arranging etc. I have to doit all.

Being on my own and dealing with everything alone is depressing. It's lonely. Every day and every night. There's no let up. It feels like it's grinding me down. There really is no respite.

I really feel for all single parents. And those parents who feel unsupported by their partners. It's bloody hard.

I just needed to write this down. I don't have an aibu really. Will I ever feel better?

Yes. You will feel better. It is bloody hard, but you're doing an amazing job. Just keep buggering on and it will get slowly better as DS gets older and can arrange more for himself and the relentlessness starts to ease a bit.

I've been single since for ever!! I get you op but it does get better. I promise

I am sorry, its crap feeling so alone. Can you look into volunteering in a charity shop or taking an exercise class? Small steps, no pressure, but an opportunity to be social if you feel up to it. Have a look online for courses or classes that grab your interest? Even confiding in a friend might help you feel less alone. Keep telling yourself this will pass and try and push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. The first step is the hardest, good luck.

I'm sorry, that sounds really shit. I'm a great believer in online social networks like Facebook, Mumsnet etc to build up a community.

I've heard there is a gingerbread society for single parent families, might be worth having a look see if there is any in your local area?

Personally a couple of years ago someone posted on Facebook asking about a young "women's institute" and set one up. Although I wasn't feeling the dreadful fog of loneliness I know a lot of people who joined were, now there is literally something to do with a very similar bunch of women multiple times a week. Could you join a choir, sports club or something or are you not able to get a babysitter?

I used to feel like this a lot. It sucks op. I feel for you. I used to take my ds out places like baseball and feel really sad.
I started joining parent groups. There might be some local ones on Facebook you can search. In my city (a small city) people have created single parent groups etc. I also joined meetup.com. I basically put myself in as many situations as possible to meet other people.
When my ds was five I met my dh. Life has changed a lot but I would do it again. Feel free to dm me anytime if you want to chat.

How old is your ds?

What about work? I know it’s not necessarily meaningful but at least you should talk to people

I’m a SP too and know it’s easy to slip into this mindset.

Have you healed yourself from your abusive marriage? Understood what happened fully?

There can often be a form of PTSD leaving such relationships that takes time and effort to heal. It’s work that is worth it.

When you heal yourself, your zest for life will return.

There are lots of resources online, start dating yourself and taking care of yourself and life will change beyond what you can imagine right now

I know how you feel @Doingreat, I was with my ex for 10 years, it did get lots better when I joined meet ups etc when DD was a baby, but then when they went to different schools we all drifted apart. I did make new school mum friends but nothing serious. After having moved to a new area and DD changing schools I find myself feeling lonely again. The neighbours are lovely and I chat to some school mums but it's nothing like having proper friends. I work on my own for a small company too doing their admin so that doesn't really help!
Where about's are you? Could you join a meet up club with some other Mums? (not sure how old your children are?) Volunteering is a great way to meet new people if you have a couple of hours spare.
I've realised I need to make some effort and put myself out there - I too made myself very isolated. I've decided to join an aqua aerobics class as I met some lovely people there in my old area (enjoy a spa after and a coffee). I'm dreading it but hey ho - nothing to lose!

You will feel better. It takes time to adjust to being a single parent and it's busy so you have little time to think of yourself except on an evening usually when the loneliness hits.
I joined online parenting groups to chat to other mum's. Also considered gingerbread and meet up groups. In time I decided to date again and met lovely oh online.
You don't necessarily need to be out and about to be in touch with others, but chatting online can really help.
Stay strong

Lonlieness is such an awful thing, so isolating. Definitely not unreasonable to feel sad about the situation you have found yourself in but don’t let yourself sink into it - you need to push yourself to get back out there, you deserve to find your zest for life again and be happy in yourself, and you will with time.

Have you looked into local mums groups? It must be hard when you have a wee one to watch (especially at night as you’re stuck in alone after their bedtime!) to socialise but book club events, knitting events at local cafes, soft play, local ceramics classes for kids and parents? Sounds like you would benefit from making some new friends - I guarantee you although you feel alone you’re not, there are other you’s out there! It will be hard pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and instigating conversation with new people but you might find it really beneficial. Invite children’s friends mums to yours for play dates too? Once you start to make friends with people you’ll then be into sleepover territory where kids can sleep and mums can sit in at night (with wine🍷!!)

Build yourself the new single life you deserve, you owe it to yourself and you are very much worth it.

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. It really does help to know that others are feeling the same or have been through similar.

@letsdolunch... my son is 10. He's an angel. It's just the feeling that everything is on my shoulders and i find that overwhelming.

@mooncup... I haven't healed yet. My crushing feelings of loneliness could be a symptom of ptsd. I don't know much about ptsd.

I do have lovely colleagues and clients. I enjoy work but those are professional relationships. I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up about how I feel at work.

Generally I feel vulnerable. Mixed with despair and helplessness sometimes. I don't know how to meet single mums in my area.

I miss my husband. Abusive though he was. I miss his good qualities. I miss being a family.

I'm late 30s.
The background I'm from I doubt I will meet anyone to share my life with at my age.

Roughly where are you? (You don't have to say if you'd rather not.)

I'm in London

That is a long time to be in an abusive relationship. Have you spoken to your friends about how you feel? You might be surprised that they would welcome spending some time with a friend at a weekend, but just may not have clocked your need.

What sort of part of London?

Sorry - I pointed out that it’s a long time to be in a relationship like that because I would have thought that ‘getting over’ the damage it caused could also take some time.

I do speak to my friends and they know how I feel. But I i know that on weekends they have family plans so I don't expect to see them at weekends except very rarely.

@binkybix.. I will pm you.

How do I find local Facebook groups for single mums? Can anyone tell me please?

It gets easier. May sound naff but the first thing to focus on is learning to love and be kind to yourself. That's the key to overcoming loneliness imo. I know its not everything, you still need people around too. Good luck OP

Counselling/therapy sticks out to me as something worth exploring

Even if it's CBT from a GP's referral it can set you up with someone to talk to who is there simply to help you, listen & help provide coping strategies and to try and process your grief and pain

I have complex PTSD which comes from repeated exposure to trauma - abuse that goes on for years, for example. You could very well be experiencing that too

See if there is any therapist in your area who specialises in divorce/grief/PTSD and even just a consultation could be something that helps you and gives you a goal for the future

As well all the other ideas here for socialising etc

And if you're in London that will open up big possibilities for therapists, counsellors, groups

You can type 'single mums London' as a keyword search and look at groups, or 'single parents london' or even localised, like 'single parents Hackney'

Meetup is big in London - if there is a hobby or interest you have, there will probably be a meet up group. Anything from walking and rambling to crafts, socialising for certain age groups, crafts, dining groups, cycling, badminton etc, people who want to go to pubs...

Google can help you find single parents groups again, same keyword search. Also women's charities, divorce support groups, 12 step programs like Codependents Anonymous

Volunteering is another big thing, I think it's Mayor of London that has a big site with volunteering position ads

You're definitely lucky to be in London because you are guaranteed to find social groups, charities, many branches of the Women's Institute, volunteering opportunities etc. Also the counselling/therapy - London is chock full so you can definitely find one who works with single parents or PTSD

I regret not taking up more opportunities when in London, I naively kept myself to myself and missed out

I think there are lots of people who feel like you do.
Week ends are difficult when it seems that everyone around you is in a family group, and you don't want to "muscle in".
My son was very keen on a particular sport, on a Saturday I devoted myself to accompanying him and I made a few friends that way. I also started to really enjoy watching him and his friends, and becoming knowledgable about the sport which had been a mystery to me until then! I also got roped into making teas etc.
On a Sunday I found a lively church I enjoyed.
I miss those week-ends now he is grown up.
I do hope things get better for you.

@Doingreat sending you lots of good thoughts

Hope you can do some things to be kind to yourself and ease how you're feeling. It's really hard to start afresh