Shoulder carry

[MoonGeek]

My ex insists on carrying our three year old on his shoulders. It makes me so nervous. I worry that there will be an accident. I just don't think it's safe. To make it worse he messes around leaping from side to side and turning it into a game. My child loves it.

He says that when he is with him he can carry him how he likes and it is none of my business.

So I suppose there are two AIBUs. Am I worrying unnecessarily? And am I being unreasonable to ask him not to carry our child like that?

Sorry you are so nervous about this.

Of course nothing is risk free but it's a very very common way for parents, particularly dads, to carry toddlers.

Please try not to worry about it. Is it more you don't trust your ex?

I can understand your anxiety but lots of parents do shoulder carries so unless he's doing something exceptionally different it's probably OK.

I do think it must be difficult to share parental responsibilities with someone you might not completely trust. Do you have a good relationship with ex - is there some way you can discuss these kind of issues without it seeming like an accusation and him shutting down.

I think YABU to ask him not carry your child like that.

I don't think YABU to worry though, I always worry about my child. I think it's natural to worry to some extent, but you do also have to recognise that we can't wrap our children in cotton wool

Quite possibly. That's why I posted to get some objective thoughts.

Thanks for your reply.

dont worry op i hate it to. Dh does it and my heart skips a beat

Worrying unnecessarily as a accident can happen regardless of how safe someone is. It's a fairly common dad, grandad carry technique. But we all worry about something so it's normal to have these worries.

I think it's unreasonable to tell your ex he can't carry child this way. Honestly you are going to disagree about lots of things and he can do it his way when child is with him. Save these kind of conversations to things that really matter. And discuss it don't just tell him what he can and can't do as that's a sure fire way of getting him to dig his heals in. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if he told you how to do something based on his preference only

I'm in my 50s. I can still remember my dad carrying me on his shoulders and having to change that to piggie backs because I got too big - he was only a little fella so it was a LONG time ago. It's a fantastic feeling and helps a really good bond. Did for us anyway. My Dad died 20 years ago and it still makes me smile.

Wow so many replies! My post was to coffee.

Thanks to all of you for some perspective.

It's very common, I remember quite happily being on my dad's shoulders, DN asks to go on my brother's shoulders all the time. She asked DH last time we were all out together, he was happy to oblige then she said it was too scary! (DH is 6'4, DB is 5'7)

I feel the same as you op. I don't mind on grass but hate it on hard ground.

This week I saw him do it again but my son was falling asleep up there. My ex had no idea!

I told him to get him down.

This has started up my worries all over again.

This thread made me think of my DD clamouring to be carried on my late DH's shoulders "one last more time".

It made me cry; sad for the loss, happy for the vivid memory.

Thanks for the thread, Moongeek

I don't like shoulder carries. I will admit to being a bit anxious about rough and tumble, shoulder carries etc. However, I did once see someone trip with their baby in a front carry sling - the person managed to break their fall by putting their arms out as you would expect - baby was fine. If that had been a toddler on someone's shoulder - would you break your fall with your arms and not hold your child, or try and hold your child and still both end up on the floor - six foot or there about is a long way for a toddler to fall!

And, after that long winded post! I think you are not unreasonable to dislike them.

I used to do it when DS was little - I still remember the requests for "up shoulders.". He's completely unharmed by the experience; my back is knackered .

I carry my toddler this way, it actually feels safer as I can see where I'm going. Always felt like I was peering over her when sling carrying too

I would suggest you try doing it yourself to see how it feels. I sometimes carry my 2 year old this way and it is absolutely fine. I'm holding his legs the whole time, he can't go anywhere.

You've brought back lovely memories of "shoulder rides" from my DF when I was small.

Nothing is without risk and I agree with PP it's a common thing with dads!

Thanks for the replies.

Did people see my recent post that he was falling asleep up there? His eyes were closing and his head dropping.

Or does that make no difference?

It really bothers me.

I really think it's fine. Lots of (most?) toddlers do it, and I've never heard of an accident, even if they nod off.

But the bigger point is... you really can't tell your ex to stop perfectly common parenting behaviour. It won't work, and it won't be good for your co-parenting relationship.

I get that it's tough, but I think you need to stick this one out.

If your child falls asleep, do you think your ex wouldn't notice?

OP it made me really nervous too. DH is tall and I felt that if he tripped it was a long way for a little one to fall. He never did trip though.

Maybe best if your ex doesn't do it when you are watching? But if he's on his own with the child I think you have to let him make the decision.

I carry mine on my shoulders (I'm female). I hold her legs tightly so even if she tipped backwards she wouldn't fall. I keep my weight forward and I'm aware of her, so if she started to slip I'd crouch down.

If the person carrying has good balance and is physically strong and able to crouch easily, I wouldn't be worried.