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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My bloody step son!

41 replies

dotty12345 · 10/06/2018 23:48

My step son aged 20 moved in with us in Feb this year. I’d only met him a few times cos though my partner split up with their mother 3 years ago (due to her numerous affairs) their grown up children weren’t told and didn’t actually speak to him for six months. They still believe what she told them that she just didn’t love their dad and wished she’d left him 10 years ago. He won’t tell them any different. Anyhow I gave up my sewing room for him (no problem at all, totally understand) however since he’s been here he’s washed clothes 3 times (when really forced) His room is a shit tip and I mean a shit tip with filthy clothes all over the floor, dirty pots and though he’s been constantly told not to smoke in the house he ignores and smokes in his room which due to space still has some of my furniture in. He has his own loo which is constantly filthy. He has no job and doesn’t sign on. And won’t! He proper pissed me off on Friday by saying no one ever does anything for him and I pointed out he lives here rent free with as much food as he wants, Internet, water, gas, electric. The straw that broke the camels back- his dad asked him to clean his room today 5 times, he tidied but didn’t hoover or clean the bathroom. I’ve bloody had it and told him I’ll get him up at 7 in the morning, switch the Internet off and he will do it. He said you can fuck right off!! His dad knows what I’m going to do and is fine (not sure how fine though as we have argued in the past!) AUBU to carry out what I’ve said I will do? For context my 16 year old lives here and I would never let him behave like this.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 11/06/2018 11:07

Where does he get money from to smoke if he doesn't work. Is your dp ashamed of his son being a lazy shit who refuses to pay his keep.

Lizzie48 · 11/06/2018 11:14

He actually sounds just like my DB, who is 50 now. Your boyfriend needs to nip this in the bud, otherwise he could end up just like that. My DM constantly nags him, he shouts at her, and then she sorts out whatever issue it is on that given day. (I've decided it isn't my circus anymore. I already have 2 DDs, I don't need a third child aged 50.)

Your boyfriend needs to do the same as the mum and grandma and chuck him out.

Juells · 11/06/2018 11:27

Take your furniture out of the room, change the wifi password, stop feeding him, leave only vegetables in the fridge, buy enough food for you and BF. Stop asking him to do anything, and stop doing anything for him. Is he getting money from his father?

CheeseyToast · 11/06/2018 11:28

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes
You have a DP issue rather than a DSS issue. oh to have a quid for every time I see this line posted

pigmcpigface · 11/06/2018 11:33

He's behaving like a spoiled child.

I'm afraid that I don't think these kinds of grown-up infants ever really learn until they are forced to stand on their own two feet. Protecting them from the realities of the world doesn't really do them any favours.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 11/06/2018 11:41

Your boyfriend needs to sort out his son. He isn’t your child or even your stepchild, so not your responsibility and it certainly shouldn’t fall to you to get him to clean his filthy toilet Envy (not envy). That is horrid.

And it is your home if you live there, even if your name isn’t on the mortgage or whatever.

I can’t believe your boyfriend let his son speak to you like that, or smoke in his room with your furniture.

If you feel like you don’t get a say in who lives there because it isn’t your house and you are the one chasing the son to get him to clean up after himself then that isn’t right.

CoraPirbright · 11/06/2018 11:46

So he’s 20 but doesnt work and refuses to sign on?? Living rent free, not paying for food.......who buys his endless cigarettes (that he smokes in your home despite being told not to?)??. Is he being given money by his father? THAT should stop immediately - perhaps he can earn his ickle bit of pocket money back from dada by behaving better.

I am sorry to say this but he sounds absolutely bloody awful and I would be seriously thinking about walking out.

dotty12345 · 11/06/2018 20:31

Thank you for your replies. It’s a difficult one cos it’s not my house. The minute he got up today he started v loud music so I could hear it on the third floor (he’s on the bottom floor!) and I told him to turn it down as he’s
not the only person that lives here and he did. I insisted to my partner that the curtains were took down and washed which my partner did. He has still not hoovered or cleaned his bathroom and I have told my partner this needs to be sorted ASAP or I will be looking at moving out. Both him and my partner seem to take pride in not arguing which to me means just never sorting anything out!! His son is a twat!!

OP posts:
DuchessofSuccess · 11/06/2018 20:46

I swear to God I'd pack up and leave.

crispysausagerolls · 11/06/2018 21:27

Usually on the stepchildren threads I think the stepparent is being unreasonable but YOU ARE NOT BEING EVEN REMOTELY UNREASONABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does DP know he told you to fuck off? Basically, you need to sit down with DP and explain he either gets his son to behave (and get a fucking job), or you are leaving. This is too much OP.

Elspeth12345 · 11/06/2018 22:00

Make sure that he is aware that he will be treated exactly like your son.

20 is an adult but his brain is not fully developed yet (until he's 25) and he probably feels unsure about whether anyone cares for him at the moment, given that his mother has turfed him out.

Make sure he knows that he is accepted and it's just his behaviour that is not acceptable but that you would not accept the same behaviour from your own son either.

CoraPirbright · 12/06/2018 08:25

If he is not working and not signing on, where is his money coming from? Cigs aren’t cheap.....

dotty12345 · 12/06/2018 12:34

He manages to scab off friends and family for money.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 12/06/2018 13:25

Does it not worry you why he is like this? Am I right that his dad was his primary male role model for the first 17 years of his life?

Juells · 12/06/2018 14:07

@Lethaldrizzle

Does it not worry you why he is like this?

Doesn't matter how hard-working and responsible parents are, unfortunately. I have a nephew who was like this for about ten years (not abusive, though). A lot of it was to do with lack of self-confidence. He didn't believe he'd be able to get a job, or hold it if he did get it.

OohMavis · 12/06/2018 14:16

Bloody hell, 20?

Time for a quick tutorial in growing up. Down tools and tell him he's to sign on if he doesn't want to end up sofa surfing at his mates' house, because you'll be needing rent.

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