AIBU to dislike my MIL?

[Hermitsunited]

I'm always being told what a lovely woman she is, and on the surface she is a lovely woman. She works hard, has DD over night, loves her son and seems to be nice to me. BUT it always seems to come with a catch.
My husband once borrowed some money off her for a car, he paid her back but she always referred to it as "really my car" and would constantly ask DH to take her places, to and from work etc. Even if it meant be had to go straight from a 12hr shift to do so.
She comes out on days out and constantly tries grabs hold of my DDs hand which seems harmless until I notice she does it just as I go to hold her hand.
She has DD once a month for the night and she knows I only let her have sweets on a Friday or when she's been good or it's a special occasion. My MIL makes a point of buying her so many sweets she's ill, doesn't nap that day and goes to bed late. She then wakes early the next morning, crashes from all the sugar and doesn't eat her dinner. This results in a complete meltdown at home where she screams for two hours(she's only just turned 2) and eventually calms down at about 4pm. This happens every time, which is why it is now only once a month and not the once a fortnight it used to be. We've discussed this issue but apparently "what happens at Grans stays at Grans."
I think she's slightly narcissistic, she walks into our house to talk to DH but all she does is tell him how PIL isn't talking to her again and cries on him and then just leaves without anything else being said. She constantly calls and expects DH to be around her at least 3 times a week even though he's now married, lives 30 mins away and works 12hr shifts 5 days a week and he has a child he'd like to see.
She tries to push my mother out of being a grandmother, it doesn't work but she tries.
But still everyone tells me she's a lovely person, I just don't see it!
Sorry for the rant. I'm sure I'm just reading too much into it but she really grinds my nerves and obviously I wont say anything to DH about how I dislike her but still I need to tell someone

What does your DH say? Is he aware of your issue? Does he back you up?

I guess the thing to think is what you want ultimately to happen, and what is realistic.

Also, the old adage that you can't change someone, just how you respond to them.

I accepted around the time I married that MIL would not change and I had to learn not to take things too much to heart. She's the sort of person who can be wonderful and thoughtful and think you're great one minute, and be totally offended by something you said or did (that no one else would ever be upset about) the next minute. I just learned to think of her as kind of bonkers and also to realise that her worst feelings towards people do pass and so on.

So perhaps the emphasis for you is on finding ways to cope and mitigate the frustration she can cause.

How is your DH ok with her treating your child like this?
My MIL is awful and DH says she's never being alone with our DC as he knows what she's like.

I'd never tell my DH I dislike his mother, it's still his mother but we both agree that the way she is with DD has to stop. He's having a word with her next time he sees her. He's exhausted with her constantly needing his attention, he's an only child so her full attention is on him. He hates how she drags him into her marital disputes, and he acknowledges that it's unfair for her to do it, she's done it since he was a child. I'll live with her and set boundaries I just can't seem to like her and feel she's more manipulative than people seem to realise. I'd never tell her or anyone who knows us that I dislike her or think she's these things. Like I've said she's still DHs mother and I wouldn't want to upset him

By live with her I don't mean under the same roof, just I'll put up with some of it just not the parts with my child who is our only one for the foreseeable future

She does sound a bit narcissistic tbh. If she is it's all about the show. Everyone has to think she's a fantastic mother and grandmother but the reality is different. If I were you I wouldn't be leaving my DD with her at all anymore, she can't keep to your rules so she doesn't have her overnight and your DH has to make it clear to her why she isn't allowed to have her anymore. You really can't carry on pretending that everything is ok to your DH. You have to let him see how her behaviour is damaging to your DD and that her behaviour is unacceptable so that you are both on the same page.

@hermitsunuted are you me? This is scarily familiar. DH is an only child and his mother makes demands on his time constantly and is quite sly and manipulative on occasion. He says she selfish and when she really gets under his skin ‘fucking mental’.

It is harder when you're the only family they have, we are in a similar situation, MIL has no one else and it's the only reason DH keeps her in our lives as he feels responsible. Doesn't mean he lets her have our DC over night though.

I desperately hope I'm not like this with my poor only child when I get old .

My DH knows I don't like her behaviour and he is having a word with her when he sees her next. He's started ignoring her phone calls because he can't be bothered with her which is a big thing. When we first got together and especially when we first starting living together it seemed to apron strings would never loosen but they have. You're right @redastherose it's all for show, she wants everyone to like her more than anyone else, she boasts about how much DD loves her the most and makes points of telling us she doesn't fuss when we leave and doesn't miss us. I know it's not true, I've heard her fuss and know she misses us but it's still hurtful.
Thank you all, now I at least know it's not just me and I'm not just being crazy or nasty about not liking her

@fluffyears yeah he says she's annoying for making the demands and she's definitely manipulative. Throughout his childhood they kept "secrets" from his dad because if his dad found out according to his mother "he'd hit the roof" and this was over little things like late nights, treats etc. Now she does it over money, gifts for DD apparently we all have yo keep it secret because PIL will be angry. I think she just is desperate for her to he the hero and him the bad guy. Because of how she has been in regards to PIL DH now doesn't particularly like PIL. MIL constantly goes on about disliking conflict but seems to create it then hide from it.
I'm sorry I'm going on again but it's nice to get it all off of my chest.

My exMIL would certainly seem familiar to you.when the dd'sr were very young I stopped them being with her without me (exDH just didn't do a thing). I also throw away most of the sweets she sends them home with. She also likes to bang on about how much healthier she is in her attitude to food. She is i think living vicariously by stuffing the children with crap and telling them it's because she loves them.
I'd heavily reduce contact. We get by with six times a year.

Seems it must be a running theme with MILs. I wonder if it's a thing with mother's of sons or if mother's of daughter's act the same towards their grandchild and children in laws

Your MIL sounds like a lovely hag.

@leighaj I wouldn't necessarily say a hag, but she's definitely a hand full and an annoyance

My MIL is like this in that she wants aot of attention from her children, uses her children as an emotional crutch, doesn't care about what is good for her grand children but only how she feels around them E. G. I like to see them happy, I don't like to see they cry, I want to give them sugary things, I I I!

But she doesn't get her way most of the time, we simply don't indulge it. As a result my DH gets an earful about what a horrible bitch I am and have the torture of having to act civilised around someone who says horrible things about me.

You can't win with people like that.

tbh if she's giving your DD that many sweets that she's being sick, I'd stop the overnight visits - that can't be good for your DD.....

@LizB62A that's my biggest concern, the way she feeds DD. She and DH have openly admitted he never had a home cooked meal, ate ridiculous amounts of sweets and was massively over weight till the age of 18. He only lost the weight because he wanted to lose his virginity.
I genuinely believe MIL doesn't understand importance of a healthy diet

Hi, I posted yesterday about my MIL-to-be.
We don't have children and are due to get married in a few weeks however they sound like very similar people. My MIL needs to be the centre of attention constantly, will undermine anyone who is "shining" for whatever reason and is insisting that we visit her 3/4 times per week despite us living 25 mins away and having very busy lives - all under the guise of a really lovely older woman who loves ironing and baking and "oh i picked up this fucking ugly jumper today, it would look great on you."
It sounds extreme but read up on narcissistic mothers.
I can't really give you any advice but I lived with harbouring these feelings and opinions about her for 12 months before I finally spoke to DP about them, and that instigated conversations with SIL + BIL who have very limited contact with her.
I felt so much better letting my DP know how I feel about her, as hard as it is to say "I dislike your mother." It's not something you should carry alone and he will be able to support you better if you make your feelings clear xxx

@LolaL oh I know she's a narcissist there's no escape from it. My DH knows it though I dare say he's in denial about it. I've just stopped answering the phone and locking the door, DH has started doing the same so we only contact her when we want to. Like has been quiet these last few days, I wonder how long it will last.