To find the constantness of DC overwhelming?

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

I'll start off by saying I have a lot of health issues at the moment and it's generally only when I'm struggling with my health I feel this way.

I love DSD to bits. But when she's here, DP and I barely get a minute alone during the whole day. If we're doing housework she wants to help, if we're just chilling she's chatting away or wanting to play or talk the whole way through a film. DP also struggles with his health (he has fibromyalgia amongst other things) so generally speaking by the time one of us has put DSD to bed he's totally flopped and not very good company as he's just so exhausted.

I find the constantness very overwhelming at times. I feel like a total bitch though. Because honestly, I think it's fantastic she wants to help with housework and it's amazing how much she's talking now (she's been seeing a SALT for years) but sometimes I'd just like 2 mins alone with DP when I feel like total shit physically.

She's not here all the time so we do get alone time. But I think in my mind I extrapolate and that's when I get overwhelmed. Because I think gosh what happens if one day she ended up coming to live with us permanently or if DP and I had DC together, would we just never get 2 mins alone?

AIBU to find it all a bit overwhelming at times? Is this normal even with your own DC?

A friend of DH's has recently become a dad, and he said that he came home one day last week to find his wife upset. He asked what was wrong, and she said "It's just the baby. He's here ALL THE TIME".

I could totally relate.

There really isnt much alone time when you have your own full time small children. When you have a baby there's almost none if you're breast feeding. If you have family or can pay for help then there's a bit more and might get a date night in etc.

The poster calling you self absorbed is just rude and shooting venom for no particular reason except to be unpleasant. Some people just spew garbage. Take no notice op. You're asking a good question before actually getting pregnant. If you'd come on here saying you were pregnant people would be piling in to say why didn't you think about how it would affect you and your DSDs life. You're doing just that.

Lots of couples don't have much alone time when there's children around. By the time they're in bed and the tidying/housework is done, you want to get into bed because they wake in the night or wake up early and you value your sleep!

Babysitters are an option but they're expensive and you then need to be back in time to relieve them at the end of the night. Life with young children is relentless and tiring for most people.

YABU. One six year old is easy. They are loads of quiet activities you can do.

You get alone time with your DP when it's not his contact time FFS. And when she's in bed. How much alone time do you need??!!

It's what Ipads are made for when you have your kids full time.

Of course it's going to be full on if your only having her 2 days every two weeks - no doubt her dad wants to do everything with her and be with her on those two precious days.

Relentless is the word - and if you have your own children they will be there all the time. The fact is though you do get used to it and pretty soon find yourself wondering what you did before you had children. In that respect I ultimately found two easier than one because they pretty soon start to entertain each other which gives you a break. The funny thing is they are both teenagers now and the eldest will soon be off to uni - by the time you get to this stage you can't imagine life without them and the house will seem very quiet when they are gone. The best advice is to make the most of every stage because with kids nothing (good or bad) lasts forever - it sometimes just feels as if it will while you are in the midst of it.

You sound completely self absorbed. She's a step child, you dont have her full time so have plenty of time to spend with your partner when she is with her mum. What exactly is the problem with a little girl wanting to do things with her daddy?
Yes children are hard work and relentless but I really don't see what right you have to moan when you only have her a couple of days a fortnight!!!

Smaller DC can be relentless and the time you get to spend with your DP is limited. It is usually only In the evening after all the chores have been done. Only having the energy to slump in front of the TV for an hour or so isn't unusual. It does get better as they get older but lots of quiet alone time or couple time isn't that usual for parents. That said I do look back on life pre DC and wonder how I managed to waste so much time.

We have two children and we get time alone when they're in bed and very occasionally we go out for breakfast after the nursery run and before work. It's hard work having children. If your step daughter is only with you two days a fortnight I would expect her to be with her dad all the time.

Do you just get used to it?

No, mine are 4 and 6 and it's still relentless. I find it really hard.

When do you get alone time with DP when you add your own DC into the mix??

We don't. Maybe an hour or two in the evening after the DC are in bed and we've tidied up. But we're normally too exhausted to do anything except watch TV.

YANBU, it is overwhelming, and long.

I think health issues aside this is the other side of having a partner with a child from a previous relationship. You should try and see it from the little girl’s perspective and let her be involved with you while she’s there. It’s not like it’s every day and I am sure he will really value the time you spend with her. Get your alone time when she’s home with her mum. It does seem a bit unreasonable to complaint about relentlessness when it’s two days out of every 14.

Having children IS relentless. But I do think yabu. It's not as if she's there full time

How often is she’s with you OP? Did she live with you fulltime or does she see her Mum sometimes?

Yes it’s non stop and it hasn’t passed that quickly here (8 and 6), although we have some time out if they are occupied and not yet fighting. I have health issues not dissimilar to your DH. I wouldn’t recommend having a child unless the desire is too strong to ignore, even without health issues to be honest. It’s non stop and I miss time with DH and being carefree. I remember fantasies about divorce and having a weekend off. My eldest has additional needs which has made it particularly tricky. Luckily my DH can pick up a lot of the slack. You have a good insight into the realities, unlike many of us who go into it blindly.

Yup there's an unappreciated bit when they first come along when you can be sure they're not going to fling themselves off the stairs but you're in baby shock and then they're in your face till puberty hits and they hate you

It is relentless and I don't think yabu to recognise this. So long as your careful your dsd never feels like she's unwelcome.

If you do have a baby you will probably look forward to her being there for entertainment purposes. Most people tend to offset the hardships with the good times. It's doable.

I feel for you OP because you haven't built up to the situation through planning or parenthood, pregnancy, hormonal surges causing love, babyhood etc.
Children are absolutely constant and my advice is to slot in to their timetable. I must admit that my first two always went to bed early so our evenings were adult free. DC3 wasn't as regimented as by the time he came along the older ones were staying up to 8or 9 so adult evenings were a distant memory. I love their company but it's true that if you want to control your life and rest when you are tired, sleep in if you feel like it, not bother cooking one night, watch GoT in the early evening on catch up ; don't have children.
Try not to feel overwhelmed and skew your thinking towards the blessing that DSD is and the fact that you have days alone with your DH at the moment to look forward to.

For those saying yabu or selfish or self absorbed - do you guys have fibromyalgia and the other illnesses the poster and her partner have? Because it makes such a massive difference
I have an 11yr old step daughter who we see at least every other weekend plus my own 11yr old daughter and even at 11 it’s tiring!
The bit that makes the biggest difference is the fibromyalgia and all that encompasses. It’s head to toe pain, it’s chronic migraines, it’s ME, it’s medications, it’s groggyness and just feeling shit - the tiredness hits you like a brick wall.
I know it probably feels so much easier to do all chores yourself because it’s quicker and then you can sit down and rest but try maybe giving her something specific like the dusting. Maybe then you would be able to get other bits done quickly knowing that you may have to run the duster around another day. Can you and your partner both spend time on your own with her? Let her spend time with her dad while you rest up then could you paint her nails and do her hair or play a game while your partner rests? It is important for you and your step daughter to have time too. Could you watch a film together in the evening? Your step daughter will be there but you would all be together and resting!!!!!
Pls don’t listen to any negatives on here - yes it’s relentless, and yes having your own child would be 24/7 but I’m sure you could do it. I have fibro and wonder how on earth my girls have reached 11!!!!! But they have and so have me and my partner. Be kind to yourself x

Nobody gets alone time with their partner once they have children. In the evening once they’re asleep maybe but then you just want to crash out so it’s not very high quality time.

Children have a profound impact on relationships, it’s unavoidable.

I understand that she’s not your own child so you feel a little more resentful of her and ignoring your honest you probably wish your partner didn’t have children but you’ve chosen this, he has ties, he has a commitment to a small child who does need to be fully involved in his life when she’s with him and needs a LOT of attention - it’s normal, natural and the right way to parent.

How much time is she with you? If it’s the standard every other weekend then you’re being a tad precious. You get your partner all to yourself for the majority of the time. He’s her daddy - she deserves him more than you I’m afraid on the days she is there.

Remember: you chose this.

There isn't a lot of alone time when you have children full time. You either have to afford for some kinnd of childcare to give you a break or have relatives that take them off your hands for a day trip. It is exhausting but you adapt and somethibgvlike picnic at the park let's your kids run off and play whilst you chat to DP.

@TomMarkle I understand that she’s not your own child so you feel a little more resentful of her and ignoring your honest you probably wish your partner didn’t have children
I don't resent her at all! Far from it. And I really don't wish he didn't have DC. I love the fact she's in my life. I see it as a blessing and I'm really grateful to be a part of her life.

I also think in some ways it's fantastic because it means I actually get to see how DP parents before having a DC together.