Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Sacking my au pair part 2

22 replies

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 13:50

This is a continuation to this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3238511-Too-consider-sacking-my-au-pair?pg=1

So I took some lovely people's advice and bought two motion-activated cameras. I put one camera in the front garden to see who the au pair brought into the house while we were out and have put another one in my bedside cabinet to see if she ever went through my drawers.

This morning we were all out except for her and when I got back my phone notified me that the drawer had been opened and there was a short clip of her opening it, looking in and closing it. (The notification came to my phone when I came home as I don't have internet on my phone, only the home WiFi).

I showed her the clip and asked her what she was doing and she said that her underwear has gone missing and she wondered if we had been taking it. I believe her because she has been asking where her underwear is and has been unable to find it and it was clearly bothering her. She said that she couldn't ask me if I was hiding it in my drawers because if I had been taking it, I wouldn't have told her.

It's not only her underwear that she has lost, but only her underwear that has been bothering her. We have a big house and two small children, and somehow, things do seem to go missing.

We bought the cameras almost a month ago and she has never been in my room before (the camera used to be on the bedside table pointing at the door and has only recently been put in the drawer).

I do really like her, she's great with the kids and I do believe her, but on the other hand, she has massively overstepped the mark. Also, now she knows I have a camera in the house, she may feel uncomfortable and wonder what else I am filming.

She is due to fly home on Tuesday for the summer holidays, would it be unreasonable to tell her to not come back?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 10/06/2018 13:52

The trust has gone hasn't it. She must hate being there and you having her there

BeautyBox · 10/06/2018 13:53

Aah see this is the problem with showing your hand too soon.

Only you can decide whether you ask her not to return or carry on monitoring things. I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone I didn't trust in my home but then I'm sure finding an au pair isn't the easiest thing in the world.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/06/2018 13:53

No.

She needs to go.

There's absolutely no point in her being there - you don't trust, she now knows there are cameras so the cameras are pointless...

Cut your losses.

MsVestibule · 10/06/2018 13:56

I've only read your OP, and the OP that you linked to, but from those two posts alone, you need to ask her to leave. Neither of you trusts the other and this situation is not tenable for either of you.

icelollycraving · 10/06/2018 13:57

I doubt she will be back! I don’t think you need to tell her.
So, she thinks you’ve been taking her underwear? You prove this by showing her film of her in your drawers so to speak. She isn’t going to return.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 10/06/2018 13:57

I don’t think there is any coming back from this for either of you. Her behaviour isn’t great and you don’t trust her.

I bet when she leaves to go home that she has no intention of coming back but doesn’t want to make the last few days even more uncomfortable.

tenaciousD · 10/06/2018 13:59

She should cut her losses.

dadshere · 10/06/2018 14:05

The weird thing here, is where is her underwear? Assuming you are not nicking her knickers, someone is. Husband? Children? Creepy secret lodger living in the loft? I would be worried about that.

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 14:10

You are right, FizzyGreenWater, the cameras are pointless, now she know that they are here.

She must think we are weird to potentially take her underwear and set up cameras. I don't massively want to live with someone who thinks I am some kind of pervert.

I don't know where her underwear is. I have really looked. Lots of things seem to go missing, not just small things. Like one of my pots that I keep pasta in. The house is a bit messy, but not so messy that you could lose items as bis as those...but obviously that's exactly what's happened. I really can't answer the question as to where they are.

OP posts:

Thesearepearls · 10/06/2018 14:11

I don't think there is a way back TBH. It's next to impossible to get au pairs now what with Brexit and the recent appalling murder case. Good luck with finding a new person

AviatorShades · 10/06/2018 14:16

Complete breakdown here, now that trust has gone. Me, I'd be telling her that she should look for another job when/if she returns, but I'd also give her another week's(?) wages towards her holiday.And wish her well.

PennyDreadfull · 10/06/2018 14:35

Did your camera reveal any more gentlemen callers? If so is it possible that he might be taking stuff? Just a thought?

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 15:10

PennyDreadful, no, nobody has been in the house. And nothing of value is gone anyway

OP posts:

nikkylou · 10/06/2018 15:28

Bit weird of her to look herself, but if her underwear has gone missing it would make sense to check the other potential ladies underwear wearer's drawers.

Someone putting it away may have got mixed up and thought it was yours rather than hers so its gone in your drawer, so she'd just thought she would have a look when she had a free moment and remembered.

trojanpony · 10/06/2018 15:33

I’d let her go
This is a bad match for you and her...

Agree with this there it’s completely weird her underpants are going missing.

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 15:41

But it's not just her underwear. She has lost lots of things. It's only the underwear that she is suspicious of

OP posts:

OverTheHedgeHammy · 10/06/2018 15:51

When have her things gone missing? Recently? Or a few months ago, before you put the cameras in (and when she had her friend/s over)?

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 16:58

OverTheHedge, things have gone missing randomly throughout her stay.

I went to her room and told her it's probably best if she didn't return after the summer as we don't really trust each other any more. She tried to explain for a bit but then agreed to go. She looked like she wanted to cry. I feel terrible.

OP posts:

leeloo1 · 10/06/2018 18:11

:( Can you tell her you'll give her a good reference for how lovely she's been with the children etc?

MrsFezziwig · 10/06/2018 18:28

OP so you never actually had a sensible conversation about boundaries and explained what you expected of her but went straight to installing cameras (which seem to have shown that she hasn’t repeated the mistake).

I was quite sympathetic to you on the other thread, but now I think you’ve behaved very strangely. You should have either got rid of her straight away or given her another chance after letting her know what your rules were. Unless she’s a complete dimwit, she must have realised that the camera installation was due to what had happened.

Original poster

autumnleaf1 · 10/06/2018 19:12

That's quite an assumption to say I never talked to her about boundaries, MrsFezzwig. I did sit her down and explain the boundaries and she did not repeat her previous mistake. I also bought the cameras. The inside one is in my bedside drawer and I didn't want to tell her about it because I wanted to know if she was snooping.

You should have either got rid of her straight away or given her another chance after letting her know what your rules were.

That's exactly what I did, the latter of those options. She had another chance, but that didn't mean I was going to blindly believe that now we had had a talk about things that she would follow the rules. She didn't follow the rules, but I did believe her reasons.

OP posts:

MrsFezziwig · 10/06/2018 22:57

My apologies. I was indeed assuming, probably because I thought if you had taken those actions you would have mentioned them either in your last thread or in your OP on this thread, rather than just launching into the stuff about the cameras.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread