I feel worthless

[rotteneggz]

NC FOR THIS....

I am 35, was a single parent for 10 years. I have a lovely DH, 2 lovely DSs, nice home and job.

But I have felt inferior and worthless my whole life. If someone is unpleasant to me I do nothing. I have no hobbies/ watch no TV so I feel rather dull and uneducated. Although I am intelligent I find it hard to strike up a conversation. Also I am tall and awkward and my voice is quite low so I often like to try and blend into the background.

When I was a single mother in my 20s and people were scathing and unkind I think I thought I deserved it because of my shitty life choices. I've always worked hard and full time but I was that mum jn the playground who nobody spoke to.

Some of my friends over the years have been unpleasant to me, said rude or nasty things and I just didn't react, never stood up for myself. I don't know how to!

These days my in-laws don't like me, don't visit often and when they do they have zero interest in anything about me, they know hardly anything about me. I am still meek and submissive to my parents. My only sibling treated me horrendously for years I am now NC.

A lot of the time I feel mistreated and taken advantage of and walked over by everyone!! (Except DH and DSs who are angels!!!)

I come across as quite confident in certain circles/ situations but really I am so low and my confidence is on the floor.

I just don't know how to break this cycle!!!!!

What are your interests?

Atm I have none!

My eldest son is involved in a sport but again when I go there to watch I feel that I am in the way and no one wants me there, some people say hello others ignore me totally!

I work and then come home and do the mum/ wife thing.

You sound like you have done a lot.

What has made you feel confident in the past?

well done Op because you have just taken the first step to breaking the cycle and you should feel pleased about that.

you need to change things up. go out and try some new hobbies. you wont like all of them but give them a try and find something that you are really in to. if you sing join a choir. make an effort to reconnect with friends who you have lost touch with. join some facebook groups for single parents and go to meet ups. some of them will be dull and cringey but others of them wont and you just have to keep trying things until you find the thing for you.

Look into some evening classes on self esteem and confidence - you are going to find that your situation is a lot more common than you realise. good luck.

What do you like doing? Building conversation and friendship often centres around shared interests.

In terms of finding it difficult to respond to mean comments, most of us feel the same! It can be helpful to have a few phrases that you have practiced to use on these occasions. Doesn’t have to be super witty or rude, just enough to show that you can stand up for yourself.

Languid I've never really felt too confident at any point, I always feel like I've done something wrong and if something unpleasant happens that it's because of me. At work I am quite well respected for being good at my job but I feel people only speak to me out of necessity.

Try and look outward more. One thing that can lock you into a critical inner voice and a belief no one likes you is the fact that you are constantly analysing yourself. Try to give yourself a break from all this inner bitching against you by being more interested in the world around you, whether or not you interact with others. Eg your son's sport, think about who'd playing well and how they are all doing this season. When MiL visits, think about how she is and what she's been up to and what you'll cook and whethe rpeople fancy a walk out to somewhere pretty nearby etc. Gradually wean yourself away from constantly judging yoruself and telling yourself others judge you too. They probably don't. The truth is, other people are mainly thinking about themselves too.

And please allow yourself to get some interests.You say you have no interests and watch no TV. It would be hard for other people to have a warm converatsion with you if your only focus is how unlikeable you are. Start watching TV - a few of the talked-about dramas and comedies, read the news once a week to stay informed. Think about what you enjoyed doing (or always wanted to do but were never allowed) as a child and do it now you're older. Life really is better when it's less introspective.

I don’t watch tv (apart from master chef) but DH and I do watch films. That’s a good chatting point. My tips for helping conversations along are: It sounds weird but reading chat and AIBU regularly keeps you in the loop with what people are talking about. Gives you ideas for ‘things I heard recently’ sort of chat. Watch the news in the morning for half an hour. Best tip: ask people about themselves. Easiest way to get a convo. Going. People’s best subjects are themselves

I would also say try a few new activities, a community choir, an art group, a gardening group? And don't say "Oh I can't sing/draw/...!" These groups are full of people just like that and you will make friends and find a new self esteem. What did you enjoy as a child or teenager? That might be a good starting point.

Yes perhaps many walk around Judging themselves harshly, as I do. I have very little confidence to walk into a room of strangers and joint their group. Funnily enough I do love singing, I would love to join a choir.

My social skills are very poor but I would love to meet new people and make new friends!!!