How do i confront my alcoholic Dad about his addiction?

[Iamnotacerealkiller]

My father lives abroad and has done since he split with my mum nearly 20 years ago. Us children are grown and moved on and starting families of our own.

He has always liked a drink particularly wine which he always claimed to drink for his health/heart (dispite us telling him otherwise) however this drinking seems to escalating in more recent years. As we live apart it is difficult to say exactly when or to what extent however here are a few examples.

My husband and i visited a few years ago for 5 days. my dad still works so was out most of the day but each evening we would crack open a bottle to share. as it was between the 3 of us usually a second would be opened, fine however after 3 days of this my oh and i begged off the wine as we were feeling a bit off the following mornings. dad continued drinking without us, a bottle each night sometimes another would be opened too.

A year later we visited and the wine drinking continued including some 'early nights' where he would disappear to bed with a bottle and a glass. my oh found dad drinking vodka shots alone in the kitchen immediately after coming in from a trip out.

He came to visit me and a sibling over a long weekend so two days visiting each of us (different parts of the country) and we compared notes after he left. For both of us he came in and requested a drink, in both cases hard liquor, drunk neat. when we added up how much he had drunk it was conservatively 30 units over the two days likely more like 40. My sibling said the same so 80 units over 4 days. this was gradually over the course of the days in different drinks so we hadn't noticed how much. i got my sibling to see how much was left in the (new) bottle of liquor and there was only a 3rd left. i had a similar amount 'missing'.

This doesn't sound as bad written down but i can say that i have never seen him go a day without alcohol, he claims that he 'went a week without drinking' but i don't know how honest this is (wasn't there) and indeed this wouldn't be much of an achievement for most people.

I suppose we are only talking about this now as it has never really been a problem, it has never made him violent or angry he has always been successful career-wise. He is a bit socially awkward and we always thought he drank to relax and be more social. this however is excessive we feel. He has always been concerned about his health and living longer (his father died relatively young) and is constantly getting check ups and treatments and physicals. is very fit so why can't he see the risk with drinking?

i have read on MN before about drinking problems so would be very appreciative of advice from those with more experience. I think he isn't beyond help, he is mild mannered, doesn't get 'drunk' just drinks constantly and i am concerned by some recent signs that he seems to 'need' it.

He is a very rational man so i hope that concerned appeal to him by his children will get through and this is a habit that can be broken rather then a physical dependence.

My sibling and i were thinking we could email separately as if we had independent concerns we want to raise with him and that might make him more aware but he may smell a rat is we are not careful!

There is nothing you can do. Only he can acknowledge a problem & help himself. You can choose to accept him as he is or walk away. I speak as a child of 2 alcoholics. I am the only family member that has anything to do with dad now, which is sad! Mum died a few years ago & dad went from being like your dad to the lowest depths of alcoholism. Ended up in a care home in his early 60's. He's now 72 & a year ago had a massive brain injury which has seemingly cured his addition to alcohol. Mad though it seems. He still talks constantly about drinking, but accepts that he can only have the odd beer or whiskey when out with us. Bizzarre situation..

DONT waste your time

I can so empathise with you!
Both my parents are alcoholic, I have not seen them for 10 years now.
But I remember I begged my Dad to stop drinking when a was a young teenager, as I was petrified he was going to die.
The Doctor had warned him to stop drinking whiskey as that was ultimately going to kill him off. My Mom managed to stop him drinking the stuff, but he still drank many many pints of snake bites every night. My Mom on the other hand wouldn't drink as much but my Dad used to pressure her to keep up with him.

So basically what I'm saying in my experience, unless they can admit they have a problem, we as the ones who love them just cannot help in anyway.
My Dad is still alive, each year passes and I genuinely do wait for that phonecall to say he has passed and am really surprised he manages to live another year.
I do feel helpless as he hasn't spoke to me for a long time now. So I'm sorry I'm not too helpful but I didn't want to just read and run x

I think, as he lives abroad, I would just keep your contact with him to phone calls / Skype and not even try to deal with his addiction. That is for him to face.

Firstly, neither you or your brother need to do anything You don't need to take any responsibility or try to fix anything. Trust me, that way lies madness!

Your DF has made a life choice. One many people do. No appeal to his comon sense will work, he won't suddenly see sense and stop drinking. Alcoholism is not like any other illness, physical or mental. It is an invidious and evil addiction in it own class.

Sad as it is, to say and to do, you are going to have to harden your heart and build yourself a safety wall. You won't be being a bad person, an uncaring daughter. You will be protecting yourself and your own family from the chaos an alcoholic wreaks on those who love them.

There are a lot of posters here who have walked the same path you are now on, some of us have done our damnedest to help, spent years trying to get a loved on to see the harm they were doing to themselves and their families. It never works - ever! The only thing that ever works is when the alcoholic wakes up a reaches out for medical help to quit. They have to do it, they have to want to be sober, they have to do all the work! Families can only watch... and hope... and not be surprised or hurt if it fails!

I know how bleak that sounds I know how hard hearted that sounds. I know that some people will heartily disagree with me. But it is the long recommended stance that all of the alcohol suport services recommend for relatives.

I am sorry you are going through this. I can only recommed that, if you feel you need some support, you give Al Anon or AdFam a call.

Thanks for your comments. i understand what are talking about however no-one has actually tried to tell dad he has a problem yet and we are concerned so i am holding out hope that if we do so he will be more aware.

He is such a health freak its very strange that his drinking is still so prevalent so i'm thinking this could be an in. there must be examples of pressure from family snapping people out of it or making people realise how bad it has gotten and scale back. like i said it seems to be a habit and i have never seen him drunk!!

even if it is a hiding onto nothing i want to at least try so i have a clear conscience...

No wall building required @CuriousaboutSamphire we see very little of each other.

His drinking doesn't effect our lives at all. Despite the drinking he is charming, witty, generous, absolutely fine, that's why this is difficult. if he were nasty or falling down drunk all the time (or at all in fact) there would be current consequences we could point to. We always joked that it was like he is naturally over sober and needed a drink to be 'normal'.

It isn't for our sake's we want to intervene, our relationship is fine (other then the long distance), the only negative is his long term health.