IABU: Tips for getting over a rough pregnancy?

[Yawnyprawn]

Firstly : I have a beautiful baby who I adore. I love being a mum. I know I am lucky and believe me, I am grateful.

However, pregnancy was the worst time of my life. I was signed off work with depression and spent much of my time hiding at home feeling tired and ill and like a massive failure.

Although things have been so much better since our baby was born, that sense of failure still lingers. Now my SIL is pregnant and updating us all every few days about how far along she is, midwife appointments etc. Of course I am happy for her but every time I see her cheerful little messages I literally panic. I just feel like running away and hiding in a cave somewhere.

I hate seeing or hearing about other people's pregnancies because they remind me of mine. My illness caused so many issues within my marriage, and I am genuinely unsure whether we would survive another time like that. Because if this, we are not sure whether we will have another baby.

I am forever wondering why I couldn't cope, and comparing myself to others who cope much better with it (like SIL). I know IABU, bitter and irrational, and I just want to not feel this way.

Has anyone else experienced this? How can I snap out of it, stop feeling so inadequate and just be happy for other people?

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't compare yourself with how others present themselves or n social media.For everyone on Facebook there will be another mumnot announcing to the world that they are having a shit time.

Pregnancy did not suit me and I actively disliked it. No real issues but I had what I can only describe as PMT for the whole thing. I was very isolated after the birth and went slightly insane with it all.

What I'm trying to say is we're sold this image of what pregnancy and having a baby are like and it's nothing but storks and white as snow nappies whilst a rosy cheeked mum happily puts cream on her haemorrhoids.... This isn't everyone's, or even most people's, experience.

Try not to compare, like a lot of things it so different for every woman. Once you have truly accepted that you can work on coming to terms with the dissapointment that certain things didn't happen the way you wanted.

I will say that your support system is one of the key elements in this. Have you talked through how your experience affected your relationship with your dh? It's a really hard one since a baby changes the dynamic so much. You really discover new facets to your partners and your personalities and that can be really hard to work through if one or both of you harbour any resentment. I'd been with my partner for 15 years before dd yet we were (and still are tbf) on the brink because priorities have changed so much along with physical limitations which pregnancy and childbirth have brought about.

Oh and for the record you can be grateful and unhappy or dissatisfied. They're not mutually exclusive despite what people will try and imply.

Sorry you had such a shit time of it. I hate being pregnant and I don't think I'll do it again - despite there being nothing officially 'wrong' in both pregnancies. You're not alone!

Congratulations on your baby and it’s lovely that you’re enjoying being a mum.

Please try as hard as you can not to think you ‘failed’ at pregnancy because you found it difficult and pretty miserable. There’s so much crap spun about ‘glowing ‘ and showing off a neat little bump and carrying on as normal till it’s time to give birth. I’d say the women who do experience this are in the minority. I’m knocking on a bit but none of my friends enjoyed being pregnant or thrived. There’s a whole mix of hyperemesis, exhaustion, anxiety, physical pain, insomnia, awful arguments with partners, and a bloody great relief when it’s done with. DD is on her second pregnancy. Crippling sickness, anxiety, exhaustion, irritability. I wish I could have all these horrible symptoms for her. She was the same last time round.
Her friends have all had at the very least an utterly knackering time of theirs too.

You are NOT in any way inadequate. For many many women pregnancy is a pretty hard and often unpleasant means to an end and it doesn’t sound unusual for it to put a huge strain on relationships. The ones who do feel great and serene and content are very lucky. It’s nothing to do with anything they have or haven’t done.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a shitty time of it but it doesn’t make you in any way inadequate. Truly it doesn’t.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments, it's good to know I am not alone!

Thanks especially to @cornettoninja - your line about the haemorrhoid cream is pure gold.