Yes but no but... AIBU?

[Sheeshorama]

Not sure if this is an AIBU... Perhaps it's a JPYTAFI (Just Pull Youself Together And Forget It)...

My partner and I have been together 1 year, but have known each other for several years. Her divorce was finalised late last year; after 23 years of marriage it had become stale, boring and unfulfilling; he was quite happy to muddle along as things were, she was not. The divorce was conducted in a reasonably amicable way.

Her exH had a landmark birthday yesterday. He invited her, but was not comfortable with me being there (we've never spoken, although he has seen us together). His new partner was there. My partner decided to attend.

I understand his discomfort and accept his right not to invite me. I understand that my partner wanted to see all the friends and family who have been such a part of her life for so long. And TBH, if I had been invited I doubt that I would have enjoyed it, and probably would have just made a brief appearance.

However, I can't help feeling a bit upset... All I know if that I was invited to an event from which she had been specifically excluded, there's no way in hell I would attend. I would feel profoundly uncomfortable in myself about her exclusion and would feel that attending would show her a real lack of respect.

I'm not sure how to make sense of this. AIBU in feeling peeved? Is my understanding of respect a bit iffy? I'm in a real quandry. How would you feel if your partner had gone?

I wouldn’t have gone if I were her, and although I wouldn’t actively try to stop DP going I’d be hurt.

She went to a party with people she has known for over 20 years, you don't know them at all.

She did nothing wrong or disrespectful at all.

I assume they have children who were there and for whom she wanted to put on a amicable front for.

Also it was his birthday and he has a right to have people who he wants there

So I dont think YABU in feeling peeved I think that is normal but also I think you do need to get over it

I wouldn't of gone if I was her, I know that my DP wouldn't of liked it and I would of respected that.

If she just wanted to go along and see some friends etc that have been a part of her life for 30 years then she could see them at different time. If they no longer really speak then I wouldn't be bothered about seeing people who don't now bother to see me.

I understand your point of view and have been in a similar situation (of staying at home whilst my partner went to something). However, whilst I am sure of their love I don't expect them to give up all their old family/friends entirely. It's just a short event and understandably they want to catch up. Personally I found myself something really nice to do then had a nice date when they came back.

It also means that in future you will possibility both be accepted (after the initial struggles), and if they've kept contact with friends/family who then change their views/perspectives but come round to the idea you're together you don't need to build so many bridges. Sorry, I've re-read this a couple of times and I've not put it well, I hope it makes sense.

I can understand how you might be hurt, but it’s her ex , she shared a life with him, she’s entitled to be there for his birthday, she’s being respectful to the fact that on his birthday he doesn’t want to be reminded that you’re with her. To be honest, you need to suck it up and be more empathetic

They have a history which doesn’t include you, especially if they have dcs together. You say you met a few years before they divorced. Could it be that the exh sees you as part of the reason they split?

I get why the exh wouldn’t like you there.

On balance, I think yabu. When you get together with someone you have to accept their history imo. And her having an exh, (who maybe isn’t totally over the split?), is part of her history.

Hmmn, tricky one - I think YANBU for being a bit hurt but by the same token she is not BU for attending. It's one of those 'it's not about you' (in the kindest possible way) situations, but I think if it were me I wouldn't be able to stop myself wishing my DP had chosen not to attend - even though in her situation I would have done so!

Just for info - they do not have children

I can see where you are coming from. I actually wonder how the Ex's new partner felt too.

If these people were i her life so long and she/they wanted to keep in touch they could do so separately.

I was going to ask about kids before I saw the update because that probably would be the time where I would say it was probably more for children but obviously not.