Am i being a bad friend?

[talllikejerryhall]

I normally don't stress about relationships, try to be cool and hope that people will be cool back, if they aren't, then so be it. But tonight I went out with a friend who I have really made a big effort with as he is reserved and on the edges of our friendship group, and he was a bit weird on group chat, saying he couldn't wait to see everyone, except for me. I was like, huh?

And it turns out he was mad cause I said it was going to be a girls' night, and he's gay, and thought I was lumping him in with us.

Then it turned out he was cross with the way I ended a conversation with him on the phone and felt I hung up on him, when I remember the convo being jovial and cool.

I am hurt as I feel that I make the most effort to involve him and really spend time with him, but now feel denigrated and upset.

Venting really, but wondered if anyone thought I sounded jerky or if he was being very prickly?

He sounds like bloody hard work. I couldn't be arsed with the precious-ness tbh. And I will say this, as horribly stereotyping as I am being.... in my personal experience, every gay male friend I have ever had has been like this.

I just feel hurt by this. He's said things were I was a bit, hmm, ok, but I just presumed he meant the best. But he called me out on the group, saying he was excited to see everyone but me, and when I apologised and said it was a mistake, he dismissed me.

I don't want to fall out but I am quite stung

I would be too. Does he bring anything positive to the relationship?

He sounds difficult and I don't think you've done anything wrong

Attention seeking ??

I'm just hurt.

I literally drag him out to fun things and invite him round for dinner, and then to get that?

I text him to say that I was a bit taken aback but early hours so haven't heard back.

Fact that I'm up now worrying about situ is weird, as I didn't even realise there was a situ.

This is text: Hi babe, sorry for texting late but what happened tonight has been playing on my mind. Nina said that I hung up on you? I’m sorry if I did (it’s possible, I don’t quite remember how we ended call, but I deffo remember that it was a jovial, impromptu entreaty for you to come out, not aggy, so genuinely sorry if you thought I was being rude. Second, I was literally just messaging quickly and not thinking hard when I said girls’ night, not including you as a girl at all. I don’t think of you as ‘one of the girls’ - mainly because you are aren’t. You are my friend, and the fact that you are gay, to my mind at least, enhances your masculinity and makes it more interesting to me, but certainly doesn’t make you feminine. It was an honest mistake. I just want to say I was a bit to hurt to hear and read and sense that you thought I was being a bit of dick to you, as I feel like I treat you with kindness and respect. I sometimes worry that you presume the worst of people and I feel a little implicated in that tonight. It was great to see you and I hope you appreciate that I’m just telling you my side of the story. See you soon xx

I literally drag him out to fun things and invite him round for dinner, and then to get that?

Stop doing that.
You are working way too hard at this friendship with a person who is rude to you in front of others.
Stop doing that.

Yeah, you're right. I don't think he's a bad guy, I just think he's got a weird perspective. I'm just sad at the prospect of losing a friendship for such stupid reasons

I wouldn't bother with him anymore if it were me. If he was a girl, I bet you would have ditched him ages ago for being such a drama queen. I have one single gay male friend who is not like that at all. He is quite effeminate and would never mind me calling him one of the girls (though I never have) nor get arsey over me not saying bye at the end of a call in the way he expects.

Has he responded to your thoughtful text

Don't waste your energy on him. At best he is an attention seeker, at worst he is an emotional vampire. If he's singling you out to be rude and unkind stop doing things for him, stop encouraging him out and leave him to get on with it. Either it'll make him buck his ideas up and treat you with a bit more kindness and respect and appreciation, or your friendship will be more distant (and hopefully less upsetting).

Life is too short to accept this kind of shit.

Yes, but in a 'it's fine, you explained yourself and I accept your apology' way, which has left me even more low level annoyed.

I think I'm going to distance myself and see if he notices....

Do not apologise to him again he was incredibly cruel to publicly have a go at you and try to turn your friends against you. If he was annoyed he should have spoken to you about it in private not dragged everyone else into it. He is not worth the effort you are putting into this relationship, he clearly doesn’t like you that much and you need to stop being so needy and dancing to his tune. Have a bit more respect for yourself he is a bully.

High maintenance friends are the worst, I would distance yourself as pp has suggested, don't put as much effort in, if he notices and calls you out on it, tell him his actions upset you. Don't put yourself out for someone who doesn't appreciate it, it's a waste of you energy.