WIBU over hospital visit?

[Hospitaldramafamily]

I recently had my first child after a very traumatic birth which resulted in my baby DS being resuscitated. He was in the NICU for a week and I was also kept in as I recovered due to lots of intervention and a haemorrhage.

It was common knowledge amongst my extended family that I'd had a tough birth and that my baby and I were still in hospital. Only my parents visited me (single mum) as I really wasn't up for visitors from anyone else.

There's a lot of bad blood between my father and his BIL going back over 15 years and they haven't spoken in a long time. He was married to my dad's sister but they are now separated. He was a patient in the same hospital at the same time as me and popped in very unexpectedly one day when I was coming back to the postnatal ward from the NICU. I was struggling with severe continence issues and had had a catheter reinserted three days after giving birth, which had just overflown twice - just a few mins beforehand. I'd cried all over the doctors and nurses that morning and was struggling with seeing my little boy in an incubator.

I managed to escape this uncle-in-law (UIL) by ducking into a bathroom on the ward. I was worried that he'd come back at the next visiting hours while I was behind my curtain applying ice packs down below or trying to grab a few mins sleep. So I called my dad and asked him to speak to someone in the family to get this UIL to refrain from visiting. I wasn't even up to facing him or saying it myself or answering lots of questions. As I said, it was known I'd had a tough birth and that my baby was in the NICU. I know that the UIL had known things hadn't gone according to plan.

Dad rang his sister and asked her to talk to her EXH. I think she asked their daughters to speak to him and i don't know what transpired then- I do know that dad was irate talking to his sister as he felt the visit was very intrusive. Anyway, it seems to have opened a can of worms. There was bad blood between my dad and the UIL anyway and I haven't had a conversation with this man in years so it wouldn't have been an easy social chat at all - even if I felt up to it.

However, the call dad made seems to have gone down badly with my cousins- the UIL's daughters. Dad also received an abusive letter from the UIL a couple of weeks later calling him a coward. It all sounds ridiculous and petty but I can't help feeling I've made an already tricky situation worse.

WIBU to intervene to ask this UIL not to visit or was he BU to visit in the first place?

No, it's not you, it's him/them. You had every right to be left alone and not have visitors, if that was your choice.

Not at all U. He was the one causing trouble. Don't worry about it. Just concentrate on yourself and the baby

Sounds like your uncles family are using it all as an excuse to drag up old issues. I would just leave them to it. You had your reasons and valid ones at that. I hope you and your baby have recovered well.

Thanks everyone. Just doubting myself because I didn't mean to add fuel to the fire but I was really upset that day. I genuinely don't think it was a caring social visit.

And yes, recovery is going well - thank you!

I can see why you would find a visit stressful but as you said in your OP

He was a patient in the same hospital at the same time as me

I do think someone who was a patient in the same hospital would drop by as they are so close! It might have been better to speak to the hospital staff rather than have the message sent via so many family members and your father if he already didn't get on with his BIL - it (the message) probably got lost a little in transmission tbh.

Put the hassle out of your mind for now and enjoy your baby.

Your UIL sounds like a selfish bastard. I hope you, and your baby, are recovering well.

I can't see how he was 'causing trouble' singlenotsingle, I suspect he thought it was a nice thing to do, to pop in for a few minutes as you were both there.
That aside, I think the simplest thing to have done would have just been to have told the ward staff you didn't want any visitors other than your Mum and Dad, and that you knew someone else was in the hospital and might visit, but you didn't want to see him. The whole... you tell your Dad who phones and ex-wife but then she speaks to dds who then might have told the UiL is ripe with opportunities for misinterpretations purely on the number of people in the chain, before you even get to the bad blood between them.
Don't get me wrong, you weren't in any state to be working out the best way, but I think your Dad could have worked out a better route to get the message home.
Someone in the chain isn't being helpful, but there was a lot of potential for that to happen, which is why your Dad should have avoided bringing it up.

x posted with Living

Living, good point- I did actually speak to the hospital staff before I called dad. It's 'open' visiting hours at that time. During other times the doors are closed and visitors have to knock/ring to gain entry. The nurse said they'd keep an eye out but there are lots of visitors during those times so it could be hard to spot one unwanted one.

I realise you were in a difficult mental place but you should have spoken to the nurses regarding visitors.

No idea where you gave birth but our local maternity ward has guards on the door, people have to be checked and buzzed in, and escorted out.

I would find it very difficult to believe that in the UK, with its safeguarding, that patients from other parts of the hospital would be allowed to wander into maternity, looking for newly delivered mothers. And if that is happening, I would be sending a stinker to PALS and Complaints about policy

Backforgood - I'm thinking it might have been a case of the message getting distorted as it went along. My aunt spoke to her DDs because she said her EXH wouldn't listen to her at all. At the time I felt I'd be on high alert waiting for him to appear around the curtain every visiting hour so I needed somebody to tell him to stay away!

My aunt said that she had actually told him not to visit- they were both together when they heard I'd had the baby- but he did it anyway

NewYear I did actually speak to the staff - mentioned that just before you posted. Doors were only open at visiting times

Yes, I can see it's difficult for the staff on a maternity unit due to the numbers of visitors.

It would probably have been better for your aunt (your dad's sister) to speak directly to her ex rather than reroute the message through their children, but he obviously knew you were there so he (UIL) must still be in fairly close contact with your family.

Honestly, let them scrap it out between them - you have a much bigger priority now! It does seem that the UIL has over-reacted to the request a bit.

Thanks, Living. My parents had bumped into one of aunt's and uncle's DDs in the hospital reception so that's how they knew. I wasn't aware he was also a patient at the time- my mind was definitely elsewhere!

If he was told not to visit and still did then no one can blame you at all

I think it’s weird that he wanted to pop in and visit you as it doesn’t seem like you both talk much anyway. It’s not like you have a close relationship so wouldn’t it be awkward? Doesn’t seem like this would be the best time to catch up as you had a hard labour.

Oldraver I explained the situation to my aunt so she'd know I hadn't intended to cause problems and she said she told him straight away not to visit.

Hastings Yes, given the background we don't chat and catch up at all so it would be a very unusual and awkward visit