Trigger warning: suicide

[Spinningandwhirling]

One of my best friends committed suicide recently.
I have been knocked sideways...I’m still “doing” life competently, but am struggling with intrusive thoughts which leave me in a state of panic and horror.

AIBU to just not know how to get through this? I’m interested in other’s experiences, I guess.

(I’m sorry - I’ve n/c for this)

It's totally normal to have intrusive thoughts following suicide, particularly when it's someone close to you. Acknowledge your thoughts and strive to keep them in perspective. You can get support by accessing an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide.

My father committed suicide. It was a good few years ago. My anger and grief isn't with him, but still with myself, as I wonder what I could have done to stop it. But in realistic moments, I realise it was his choice, his need and want, and therefore I have to move on. I've been that low, and luckily received treatment (and still do), and therefore have made it through. Yes, miss your friend and grieve, but know that they wouldn't want you to feel that way forever. I sympathise with you so much, and send genuine MN hugs to you. There are organizations for those people who are left behind, might be worth seeking some out.

Missus - You sound like you’ve worked through some shit. I’m sorry you’ve gone through that.

My bf’s child is a big part of my difficulty in this I think.

I hope this helps,if they succeeded in committing suicide, ask yourselves: were they in pain?
Psychological pain can cause as much anguish as physical.Do you deny them the choice to stop that hurt ?
Could you have made any difference to what they were experiencing? Really ?You must wish so much that you could have helped,but we can't ,always or often.
It's their life,their choice ,no matter how much it was chosen in a sad mist..Mental illness can be like alcoholism in that you didn't cause it,can't control it, cure it.
Remember them for their goodness and allow them peace in your heart,

Hey, thanks Spinning. Part of life, I guess. What's up with bf's DC?

Best friend’s DC - the child she has left behind.

My ex ended his life by suicide a couple of months ago, it was a complete shock we co parented our young DS together and got on. I have struggled and have felt angry, sad and everything in between.

At his funeral the celebrant said ‘you are all entitled to your feelings be that anger, sadness or disbelief however beyond everything else this was “ex” choice and we must all respect his decision” When I heard and digested that I made peace with him and his choice.

It is very true that suicide ends that persons pain but transfers it to others. Be kind to yourself. There is a bereavement charity called SOBS (survivors of bereavement by suicide) they may be able to help you. Make sure you keep talking about your feelings

If you have any thoughts that cannot be said to anyone else, remember that the Samaritans are always there

Yes, that's really hard. Maybe their GP can refer to wellbeing services? Could be quite helpful and speedy under the circumstances. Poor lass, that's so tough.

Marilda thank you for sharing that. I hope you’re ok.

How old is your DC - and how are they, if you don’t mind me asking?

I’ve lost four relatives and a friend to suicide. There is no quick or easy fix for what you’re feeling - you just have to feel it until it gets less acute and more manageable. I think suicide is a particularly difficult type of bereavement, as there is the added guilt of wondering if there was some way you could have prevented it. Sometimes your mind keeps whirling, replaying the circumstances over and over, trying to make the outcome different. Lots of “If only I’d said this, if only I’d done that...”, plus all the recriminations of “Why didn’t I realise they were depressed”, and so on.
It’s important to realise that you probably couldn’t have changed things, and that it is not your fault. Suicide attempts are often carefully planned to avoid any chance of anyone intervening. Sometimes the bereaved family and friends feel anger that the person has put them through this pain and sadness - it’s ok to feel that too.
Be gentle with yourself, remember the good things about your friend, have a cry over them. At the very least, they are now free of whatever depression or problems they were struggling with, and are at peace.
Those of us with a faith believe that they are now safe in the arms of a loving God, who will heal them for eternity.
Your friend would not have wanted to distress you by their actions. Try to remember them with love and put their family in your prayers. I hope you find comfort, too.

Babdoc - you’ve had to deal with this a lot; I’m sorry.

I don’t think she considered anyone’s distress- including that if her child.

All the positive times are tainted by the end. I can only see them through a filter of shit.

Like MissusGeneHunt, my dad committed suicide when I was 23, brother died when I was 22. I have never blamed my dad, he was in a dark place of anger and grief. I have only just forgiven myself for not realising he was in such pain. I have only 26 years later admitted to others my dad committed suicide.
It isn't your fault, be kind to you and others effected, especially their daughter. Hugs and
Time is a slow healer too, and actually talking about how you feel, please don't bottle it up
Good luck.

user your journey sounds painful. I’m sorry, and I hope you’re in a good place now.

Not sure how to help beyond others' suggestions but

I have had 2 friends in recent years who [died by suicide - method removed by MNHQ]. With one I felt exceptionally guilty that I had not done more when he lost his job and thought he was going to prison. The second I felt terribly guilty for a comment I made to him some time before he took his life, not realising how deeply sensitive/ depressed he was ( as he never showed it ). After a long time of reflection I realise that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome because they were both just very ill.

spinning,
I was told by my bereavement counsellor, that the majority of people who commit suicide never leave warning signs, many don't leave notes (including my dad). They believe the world will be a better place without them, they think they are doing you a service by going. The ones who leave signs are looking for help. If that makes sense, so like Badoc says, there is nothing you could have done differently

Our DS is 7, he is coping amazingly so far. I have been as honest as is appropriate with him and we are under a CHUMs counsellor, have your friends DC been referred yet? There is a traumatic bereavement department where referrals get fast tracked. They are helpful. How old is your friends DC? You can call an amazing charity called Winstons Wish who can advise. They were fab in that first week.

I understand your feelings about how she didn’t consider her child. I have moments where I think how fucking dare you leave DS with this burden! Suicide is selfish when you have kids there’s no two ways about it. I am getting through this by focusing on protecting DS mental health in the future.

It’s not even that I think I could have stopped it,

I’m just utterly consumed by her last half hour. It’s like a ghoulish newsreel. The thoughts are intrusive and pointless.

It’s that, and her child, who is the same age as mine. We’ve done motherhood together..and..I just can’t understand how she left her dc.

spinning
Yes in much better place, two boys of my own. Though you live with it for ever, believe me it gets better, I can look back at the good times with my dad, fondly now. Please take care, your health and mental well being is so important, take all offers of help. Once again hugs and to get you through it. This thread shows you aren't alone in experiencing such a traumatic event and it slowly gets better.

That’s helpful Marilda. You sound like you’re a fantastic mum.

Unfortunately her “difficult” STBXH (literally, she was a week away) has more or less blocked contact with her dc. So I don’t know if there is agency support.

The first thing you have to know is how much someone you love choosing this hurt you. Then you need to think about how hurt those you love would be hurt by you making the same choice.

I had a friend whos husband had committed suicide and she and her children have never got over it. She has ha relationships. She has had more chidren but she cannot get rid of her husband, the man she loved, choosing to go [mention of suicide method removed by MNHQ]

mermaid

Maybe read my posts. I’m not planning on dying by suicide, but maybe tone down your casual description [method removed by MNHQ]. What point are you making?