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AIBU?

To think he should've come home?

119 replies

sparklefluff · 09/06/2018 18:43

Evening.

As I am growing ever so more resentful, I wanted to get some opinions on whether IABU or not.

This week I was admitted to hospital and kept in for 3 days with Sepsis, caused by the fact my body decided to grow back tonsils and flooded my body with poison.

I have 2 young children, 10 and 3, and luckily my mum dropped everything to care for them whilst I was admitted, and then blue lighted to a specialist hospital.

I came out yesterday after my sepsis levels had dropped to an acceptable standard, and I was able to administer oral liquid medication. The infection that had closed my windpipe had shrunk and I was asked if I would prefer to be home to rest up (I live 35 miles away from the hospital I was transferred too) and have an immediate outpatients admission option as I was so far away from home and the kids.

My husband is in India. We are self employed but in a contract with a company and have been for a while, and he was over there delivering a project.
There wouldn't have been any logistical reason for him to not come home, he wouldn't have lost his contract, and there wouldn't have been any repercussions.

He didn't. He stayed another 3 days and has just landed.

I cannot eat anything. I cannot keep food down. I am able to drink clear fluids only and have to maintain a specialist diet when I can eat because of the damage to my spleen, pancreas and kidney.

Even water is going straight through me, but I am powering through. Luckily my 10 yr old is a diamond and let me sleep for 4 hours on the sofa and he looked after his little brother.

So, should I be fucking seething that he didn't come home?

I'm not going to leave him, he has never made me feel like this before, but I wonder if it's me who's being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Report

Lunde · 09/06/2018 21:03

So sorry that you have been so ill - I am speechless at the behaviour of your "d"h.

He should have come home for you - you almost died and are still very ill.
He should have come home to support the kids - what kind of parent leaves his kids sobbing that their Mum might die while he spends time instagraming food!

MrsMozart · 09/06/2018 21:08

Has he actually said why he didn't come straight home?

I hope you recover as quickly and well as possible lass.

Neolara · 09/06/2018 21:11

It sounds like your DH is heading for a bollocking from a wide variety of your friends and family. Which he definitely deserves.

I wouldn't say anything yet yourself. Focus all your strength and energy on getting better.

Cheby · 09/06/2018 21:15

I’m so sorry OP. I don’t think I could get past this, I think it would be the end if my DH treated me like this.

CatherineUC · 09/06/2018 21:26

I also wonder if he didn't quite get how ill you were. I had sepsis a couple of years ago and had no idea how close to death I was until I heard about it later! Especially as it was missed by one hospital twice! (So it was a good job I was blue lighted to a different one the third time)!!

CatherineUC · 09/06/2018 21:26

Ah, sorry. Missed your previous post!

LighthouseSouth · 09/06/2018 21:33

Oh dear
I'm angry just reading this.

Wishing you a speedy recovery

TheRoadLessRocky · 09/06/2018 21:33

I think the most unforgivable thing is that he listened to his little boy sobbing that his mum might die and still drag his heels. I'd feel very betrayed by his behaviour towards me but accept the possibility that he stuck his head in the sad. But when you're a parent you have to snap out of that, he should have pulled himself together enough to be there for his children.

It would take a lot for me to get past this. When you are able to talk you need to address this as you will never feel the same towards him again unless you try to work through it somehow.

EyeRolls · 09/06/2018 21:34

I'm afraid I would find this pretty unforgivable. I hope you get an opportunity to have your say when you are feeling better.

Cindie943811A · 09/06/2018 21:49

Why is it usually males that act like this?
My exH refused to visit me in hospital when I was admitted to have a tumour removed — thought to be cancerous but thankfully turned out after test taking 3 days to be benign. Worst scenario was I’d lose my jaw bone. His reason? He didn’t like hospitals. I don’t much like them either if it comes that.
That hurt doesn’t go away.
Hope you feel a lot better soon OP. Meanwhile try not to think about it until you are a lot stronger.

sparklefluff · 09/06/2018 22:02

He has no reason.

He started to say something about "work" and I cut him off.

I told him to get out of my bedroom and not to come back in again, and that I didn't want to see or hear from him.

Throat is now very sore. But, I had to do something, so back to muteness for me.

OP posts:

Starlighter · 09/06/2018 22:09

Oh OP, I’m so sorry, I hope you feel better very soon.

Regarding your DH... well there are lots of things I think I could forgive, even things that would end some relationships, but I have a real issue with people not caring when you need them most. The people that are supposed to have your back, people you rely on.

That total lack of concern would hurt me deeply and it’s not something I could forgive. I know that sounds drastic but he showed such a disgusting lack of concern for you and for your children... what if the worst had happened and you were all alone and your children didn’t have their father to comfort them? While he’s blabbering on about pictures of food?! It’s beyond selfish behaviour, it’s shocking.

Armchairanarchist · 09/06/2018 22:13

I've had sepsis twice, both times ending up on life support in icu for weeks. My husband barely engages with how close it came. He's absolutely devoted (23 years and never put a step wrong) but in denial that he could have lost me. He just can't engage and I think a lot of men are the same. Please take it easy.

BasilFaulty · 09/06/2018 22:16

Oh OP that's awful. I had sepsis two months ago and it was terrifying. I'd be so hurt and so angry were it my DH.

lifebegins50 · 09/06/2018 22:19

@Storminateapot I hope you are now surrounded by love and care.

Gazelda · 09/06/2018 22:31

I can understand your fury. Let him know that he is to take charge of the DC for the next few days while you continue to recover from the comfort of your bed.

You don't want him fussing over you, but just to calmly entertain the children and ensure they are reassured about your improving health. Make sure they are in their usual routine as far as possible.

Let him know that you are not yet up for a discussion about how his behaviour has affected your relationship, but that he should be in no doubt of how badly he has let you down when you needed him the very most.

Blatherskite · 09/06/2018 22:44

DH once left me sobbing on the bed one morning as he headed off early for a meeting he could have missed leaving me to get a 6 and 3 year old to school and pre school while I had flu and pleuricy. At the time, had I not been so ill, I'd have packed his bags and told him to go. It took me a very long time to get over it.

I'm not sure I could forgive him in your shoes.

Cheby · 10/06/2018 13:33

How are you feeling today OP?

sparklefluff · 10/06/2018 19:59

Broken.

He hasn't made any attempts to speak to me after me telling him to leave me alone.

He obviously feels the literal approach is best. Maybe I am being unreasonable to suggest he should be trying harder.

Physically I am fairly broken today. The relentless nausea, the pain, the headaches, and the dread at taking the medicine that makes me want to vomit, is overwhelming.

OP posts:

LuciaLuciaLucia · 10/06/2018 20:19

Hope you feel better soon OP. Sending some and strength.

MrsMozart · 10/06/2018 20:27

Oh sweetie. Sending you a gentle hug.

Lemonyknickers · 10/06/2018 20:38

Oh this is so horrible for you. I truly hope he gives his head a wobble and gets his shit together and helps you. Have many many

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timeisnotaline · 10/06/2018 21:14

Op :(. You just have to concentrate on getting better. Could you text someone and ask them to tear him into strips? ‘Work’- the mind boggles

penguingirl · 10/06/2018 21:14

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read all this, it sounds utterly horrible. After reading through I'm in the camp of thinking maybe he is burying his head in the sand. Mainly because up to now you've had a loving and strong marriage. At this point he knows he did wrong and probably doesn't know what he should say or do. If you think that this may be true, it seems like it would be a good idea to ask him exactly what he has been thinking between that initial phone call and now. Although at the same time your condition dictates you being able rest and not have to have a difficult conversation so I can see that you making the first move towards opening up some kind of dialogue could be risky. Right now you're thinking the worst though so maybe it would help. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, I wish you a speedy recovery and best of luck with getting through the issues with your husband with your love for each other intact.

RandomMess · 10/06/2018 21:26

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