To think he should've come home?

[sparklefluff]

Evening.

As I am growing ever so more resentful, I wanted to get some opinions on whether IABU or not.

This week I was admitted to hospital and kept in for 3 days with Sepsis, caused by the fact my body decided to grow back tonsils and flooded my body with poison.

I have 2 young children, 10 and 3, and luckily my mum dropped everything to care for them whilst I was admitted, and then blue lighted to a specialist hospital.

I came out yesterday after my sepsis levels had dropped to an acceptable standard, and I was able to administer oral liquid medication. The infection that had closed my windpipe had shrunk and I was asked if I would prefer to be home to rest up (I live 35 miles away from the hospital I was transferred too) and have an immediate outpatients admission option as I was so far away from home and the kids.

My husband is in India. We are self employed but in a contract with a company and have been for a while, and he was over there delivering a project.
There wouldn't have been any logistical reason for him to not come home, he wouldn't have lost his contract, and there wouldn't have been any repercussions.

He didn't. He stayed another 3 days and has just landed.

I cannot eat anything. I cannot keep food down. I am able to drink clear fluids only and have to maintain a specialist diet when I can eat because of the damage to my spleen, pancreas and kidney.

Even water is going straight through me, but I am powering through. Luckily my 10 yr old is a diamond and let me sleep for 4 hours on the sofa and he looked after his little brother.

So, should I be fucking seething that he didn't come home?

I'm not going to leave him, he has never made me feel like this before, but I wonder if it's me who's being unreasonable.

[Figgygal]

You are completely right to be furious with him to be questioning the nature of your relationship but you are very ill and I think you need to prioritise getting better resting trying to not think about it until you feel well enough to have further conversations with him. I doubt there is a reason for him staying other than as you said just not realising how ill you were

At least he is being contrite

[LeahJack]

Sorry, wrong thread

[LeahJack]

If doctors advise to wean it is based on the data they have available which believe shows an unacceptable level of risk to the baby based on their patients’ medical history, assessment of the child’s health and independent judgement.

Which is probably a better call to trust than a pharmacist from a biased source who hasn’t even seen the feeder or their baby and hasn’t got a clue about their medical history.

[JennyOnAPlate]

I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive my dh if he did this. I have a ten year old too and would be so very angry.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Here's something I would bet my mortgage on. I bet he will have no trouble forgiving himself. And it won't take him long to either.

Selfish arse.

[MrsMozart]

Concentrate on getting better lass.

Once you're well again then that'll be the time to consider anything further.

[sparklefluff]

It has crossed my mind as to whether something or someone was keeping him in India.

It's not something I would've ever thought of prior to now though.

[summerinrome]

I have been in this position, it is a great leveller.

At no other time are you clearly able to say just how much (or how little) those around you care.

This is not the moment to focus on your emotional pain. You need to redirect your energy into your recovery, but I do feel you really must have a very long talk with him when you are better to understand exactly why he didn't come immediately home. You will need to tell him you now no longer feel loved, secure and like you can count on him.

It will be up to him to try and make this up to you. He needs to never pull this shit about again, to even consider keeping the marriage together.

Last chance, but I would mean final chance, and he would need to know that and be on board.

I would be concerned as to what was keeping in India Op. I can't think why your dh would do this.

[Bibesia]

To be honest, he sounds like my DH who lacks imagination which has the benefit for him that he doesn't catastrophise. Sometimes that can be quite good as it keeps everyone's feet firmly on the ground and stops a degree of panic. But at other times he goes too far the other way and can't see when actually a bit of acknowledgment of a potentially dangerous or distressing situation is what is needed.

[LeahJack]

If he is generally the perfect husband as you say, perhaps he went into denial? It’s something mega serious so that is possible.

[trojanpony]

WTAF?!
I’m sorry but you could have been dying and he is was insta Storying his food and street food excursion.
Saying “yeah now I get it, I fucked up really badly” doesn’t fix that by a long chalk.

I’m so sorry for you OP it sounds like you have/ had a good relationship. So maybe there is a way through it but what a difficult situation for you.

For now try and recover and don’t make any quick decisions I would also keep him on notice and

[timeisnotaline]

So if you’d died In hospital it would be fine because there are doctors there? And his kids wouldn’t need him?
But I guess it sounds like he gets it. Hopefully. It will take you a while to get over this though, especially stuff like the instagramming street food while you were so ill.

[sparklefluff]

Thanks for all the replies.

I've slept a lot the last few today, and today I finally feel human.

A few conversations have been had with me and DH. I think from what I can infer, he just felt that I was in the hospital and being cared for and there was nothing he could "do" and that my mum had assured him she had the children.

I explained how to me that wasn't right, and that doesn't mean myself and the children didn't need or want him, and he fully admits he is fully to blame and has totally fucked up, and doesn't expect to be forgiven anytime soon, and he will never forgive himself for how badly he let me down.

So, that's where we are at.

[AkhalTek]

Not so long ago I had a very similar and just as dangerous illness. Ended up on a drip for 3 days. So I know how you are feeling right now. Exhausted, weak, barely able to function and your sofa is your best friend. It took two weeks until I was able to do anything for more than ten minutes and looking after a 4 year old would have been awful at that time.

I think you need to sit your husband down and calmly explain to him how badly he let you down. There may be a reason if he couldn’t get an earlier flight or some issue so talking is going to be the best option but knowing first hand how you’ll be feeling right now I’m going to say yanbu seething.

[AveABanana]

How are you feeling today @sparklefluff?

[BettyBaggins]

Hows it going op? An ex finished with me when I found a lump in my fanjo. He had an ex who had had cervical cancer. I just had a cyst. I never told him I just had the cyst because I was so pissed off he would throw 'us' away if it had been worse. I really miss him sometimes. The twat.

[Tambien]

Take care of yourself. This is the one and most important thing to do atm.

[Cheby]

Oh OP I’m so sorry. What an absolute bastard. I really hope you turn a corner with the illness soon. To be dealing with this dickhead and being so unwell at the same time is just desperately unfair.

[TheHobbitMum]

OP that is awful to read, you expect your DH/DW to be there when you need them and while you are at your lowest/sickest. It would take me a long time to forgive such heartlessness, especially not being there for the DC when they were frightened they'd lose you

[RandomMess]

[penguingirl]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read all this, it sounds utterly horrible. After reading through I'm in the camp of thinking maybe he is burying his head in the sand. Mainly because up to now you've had a loving and strong marriage. At this point he knows he did wrong and probably doesn't know what he should say or do. If you think that this may be true, it seems like it would be a good idea to ask him exactly what he has been thinking between that initial phone call and now. Although at the same time your condition dictates you being able rest and not have to have a difficult conversation so I can see that you making the first move towards opening up some kind of dialogue could be risky. Right now you're thinking the worst though so maybe it would help. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this, I wish you a speedy recovery and best of luck with getting through the issues with your husband with your love for each other intact.

[timeisnotaline]

Op :(. You just have to concentrate on getting better. Could you text someone and ask them to tear him into strips? ‘Work’- the mind boggles

[Lemonyknickers]

Oh this is so horrible for you. I truly hope he gives his head a wobble and gets his shit together and helps you. Have many many

[MrsMozart]

Oh sweetie. Sending you a gentle hug.

[LuciaLuciaLucia]

Hope you feel better soon OP. Sending some and strength.