To think he should've come home?

[sparklefluff]

Evening.

As I am growing ever so more resentful, I wanted to get some opinions on whether IABU or not.

This week I was admitted to hospital and kept in for 3 days with Sepsis, caused by the fact my body decided to grow back tonsils and flooded my body with poison.

I have 2 young children, 10 and 3, and luckily my mum dropped everything to care for them whilst I was admitted, and then blue lighted to a specialist hospital.

I came out yesterday after my sepsis levels had dropped to an acceptable standard, and I was able to administer oral liquid medication. The infection that had closed my windpipe had shrunk and I was asked if I would prefer to be home to rest up (I live 35 miles away from the hospital I was transferred too) and have an immediate outpatients admission option as I was so far away from home and the kids.

My husband is in India. We are self employed but in a contract with a company and have been for a while, and he was over there delivering a project.
There wouldn't have been any logistical reason for him to not come home, he wouldn't have lost his contract, and there wouldn't have been any repercussions.

He didn't. He stayed another 3 days and has just landed.

I cannot eat anything. I cannot keep food down. I am able to drink clear fluids only and have to maintain a specialist diet when I can eat because of the damage to my spleen, pancreas and kidney.

Even water is going straight through me, but I am powering through. Luckily my 10 yr old is a diamond and let me sleep for 4 hours on the sofa and he looked after his little brother.

So, should I be fucking seething that he didn't come home?

I'm not going to leave him, he has never made me feel like this before, but I wonder if it's me who's being unreasonable.

[Knittedfairies]

Tell your friends, your mum and his parents to let him have it; yes, you probably are ‘too sick to listen to it’, but sitting there seething isn’t going to help much. At least you’d have the satisfaction of hearing them tell him exactly what they think of his inaction while you can’t! Hope you feel better soon - and stop this ‘powering through’ stuff; it will delay your recovery because you need rest. And 👏👏👏 for your 10 year old.

[Tara12]

Firstly, I am so sorry you have been so ill and sincerely wish for a swift return to your good health. I do think your husband should have come straight back, was any reason given for this delay?
TBH I would be suspicious, angry and seething. But please get better before you say anything.

[kateandme]

id get your in laws to reep the shit sac on him tbh.this shouldn't be ur job when your so weak and recovering.allthough if you do feel able then do so.stop powering through and getting on.scream at him "im scared fucking shitless I almost died what is wrong with you" let him see it let him see the raw fear of almost dying.because dammit he needs to see it.
but lets get passed that.its taking all your energy to be so raging.and its making all things worse.you wont recover well feeling like this hun.so if hes been a shit and you can tell himthen lets just bring back the focus all the way back to you.the important person here if you.so just take those breaths right back down.try some really calming deep breaths.(sounds daft I no I no but go with it) in for 4 out for 4.really try and get your stress back down.your heart rate and blood pressure need to be resting right now to allow your body to heal.it need to be going to those vital mending cells not at pumping blood so rapidly due to your anger and upsetness.
do everything you can to keep relaxed and calm.what can you do this evening.any good catchups you got.have you got a favourite meal or something or delivery close by.could you and your son sit and watch a daft movie together.
a calming time is needing for you right now hun.
call on who you can for help.but for you its rest time.
im so sorry you've been through something so scary.and that will only be heightening your anger right now because in times of such fear all you would want is ur hubbie to catch you.support you.
so for now think of the right now.what can happen to help ease tonight.take lots of care

[maras2]

Sorry that you're so poorly.Please get well soon.But ..........
24 hours ago he was being extolled as the second coming on the thread about what things your DH does that makes you love them so much.
Your description of him is a cross between Don Juan and a canonised saint.
What happened?

[Iflyaway]

he is the perfect husband.

Sadly not.

Your 10-year-old sounds more mature.

[sparklefluff]

Nothing's happened. I jumped onto that thread to make myself feel better for all the nice things he does whilst in this instance he totally fucked up.

I don't have anyone to talk to about it, it's going round and round in my head and I needed to conclude it with some rational thinking from other people because I could in fact just be an arsehole and my expectations unrealistic.

[sparklefluff]

I also needed to remember why I do love him, as I feel very hurt.

[Ginger1982]

When are you due to see him?

[Claireshh]

Deal with this another time. A simple ‘You should have come straight home’ will suffice now. I’m sure the rest of the family will read the riot act to him. Get well soon xxx

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

I think it's completely crap of him, both on behalf of you and your children.

If it's any comparison a boyfriend flew back from LA early after I'd had a v dodgy smear test (not admitted to hospital to anything!).

[sparklefluff]

He landed in Heathrow about an hour ago and text to say he was on his way just now, so another good 3/4 hours yet.

[sparklefluff]

One thing I keep thinking, is would he have come home if it was one of the kids?
If it's a solid yes, is my worth less? Or is that unreasonable to even compare.

Oh, I don't know anymore.

[kateandme]

your not be ur but your scared and poorly hun so its making everything seem horrid and every emotion heightened.when we are frightened and ill and so ill as you were all we want is for those we love and need most to be able to be there right in that very moment.so for him not to be ,that hurts.
when scared and poorly we need holing tight and just to be able to be totally vunerable on someone else.so you really needed him.so it bloody well feels shit he wasn't able to do that for you.
but don't dwell on it.do overthink it.let him know and see his responses from there.youll either accept them or you wont but you don't no what he will say.
but you do need to chat to him too.if hes fucked up he can only no it if you tell him and he might be horrified and want to change his ways immeidetly.
just because he made an idiotic cock up her doesn't mean hes a bad husband either so can still be all the things you've mentioned before.

[CaledonianQueen]

So many hugs OP, your DH should have come home instantly! I was rushed into hospital at the end of last year with Septicemia caused by a severe kidney infection! I have never felt so ill in my life! My body felt itself dying and I am so thankful for the Doctors, nurses and multiple antibiotics that brought me back from that!

My husband was terrified and was in seeing me twice a day, bringing both of our children (which is no easy feat as our ds is autistic and was really struggling with me not being at home) in after school!

I honestly don't know if I would have coped without that support! Your husband owes you a massive apology and I hope he is ready to take over whilst your body recovers (as unfortunately, it will take some time before you are well enough to return to everyday tasks/ working)!

[Chilver]

'Would he hqve come home if it was one of the kids'

It WAS one, no both, of the kids - both if the kids no doubt scared because their mother was at deaths door and in hospital!!! He should have come home immediately.

However, when i nearly died from cancer a few years back, my DH couldnt deal with it sobshut himself off emotionally. Threw himself into work and it took a good 2 years post treatment ending before i really feel he came out of the terror that i was going to die. So, no excuse, but some people cant handle these things so 'hide'.

[Chilver]

P.s hope you start recovering soon. Look after yourself, dont 'power through' alone.

[Mrsmadevans]

Only you know the background to this OP. In plain language have you a history of crying wolf therefore your DH thought you were ok ? Sorry to be so blunt. I hope you are feeling much better very quickly

[kateandme]

don't try to compare parental love to wife and hub love.how would you be if he did that to you over choices you might make over kids v him.its too different a thing.our hearts react totally different when being a parent or a wife

[Crunchymum]

I'm clutching at straws but would have time difference / frequency of flights made a difference to how long he has taken to come home?

It's a shit situation..... as a one off it's not unforgivable but it's pretty serious???

[greenlanes]

I would see how he does without prompting over the next couple of days. If he steps up fully and is there totally running the household, caring for you, dealing with the kids etc. Then I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he doesnt then I would be then very annoyed.

Years ago pre internet, email etc, I was working abroad in the US when my dad was knocked over by a car and in a very serious coma. He was also abroad. From my mum calling me to me being on a flight home was 4 days. It took time to process, get work organised as I didnt know when, if ever I would be back, get the flights booked, work out whether my dad would die or be fit enough to travel. My flight then cost more than it does today for the US. My mum was pretty much on her own for that time, but she knew that I was coming as fast as I could. It has never been an issue in my family that I wasnt there the next day. Perhaps things are slightly easier now to arrange travel wise.

Hope you begin to recover. Sending and

[Bluetrews25]

Hope you feel lots better soon, sparklefluff
Let him see how unwell you still are - make sure you stay in nightwear and do not do a thing around the house.
His behaviour after getting home will be a good guide to how you want to proceed, especially if you let the family give him a good talking to.
Blusteringly defensive or apologetic and contrite? Either way, you will know.

[sparklefluff]

I'm never sick, so crying wolf is not me at all.

I'm more of a, cut your arm half off and still drive yourself to the hospital, type of person.

I really appreciate all of the replies, thank you so much.
I wish I could stop feeling so nauseous and my stomach would quite down, I assume that's all of the antibiotics I'm taking.

By the time he gets home, I will be fast asleep anyway I hope.

[sparklefluff]

Social media exacerbates the situation, as my friends were telling me how mad they were they he was insta Storying his food and street food excursion.

Twat move DH.

[Penfold007]

@DameFanny I had my tonsils out when I was 11 years old. 20 years later I was in hospital very poorly with sepsis. Doctor asked/told my DH that they needed to remove my tonsils, they'd grown back,

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Why did he stay so many days? What reason has he given?