To think he should've come home?

[sparklefluff]

Evening.

As I am growing ever so more resentful, I wanted to get some opinions on whether IABU or not.

This week I was admitted to hospital and kept in for 3 days with Sepsis, caused by the fact my body decided to grow back tonsils and flooded my body with poison.

I have 2 young children, 10 and 3, and luckily my mum dropped everything to care for them whilst I was admitted, and then blue lighted to a specialist hospital.

I came out yesterday after my sepsis levels had dropped to an acceptable standard, and I was able to administer oral liquid medication. The infection that had closed my windpipe had shrunk and I was asked if I would prefer to be home to rest up (I live 35 miles away from the hospital I was transferred too) and have an immediate outpatients admission option as I was so far away from home and the kids.

My husband is in India. We are self employed but in a contract with a company and have been for a while, and he was over there delivering a project.
There wouldn't have been any logistical reason for him to not come home, he wouldn't have lost his contract, and there wouldn't have been any repercussions.

He didn't. He stayed another 3 days and has just landed.

I cannot eat anything. I cannot keep food down. I am able to drink clear fluids only and have to maintain a specialist diet when I can eat because of the damage to my spleen, pancreas and kidney.

Even water is going straight through me, but I am powering through. Luckily my 10 yr old is a diamond and let me sleep for 4 hours on the sofa and he looked after his little brother.

So, should I be fucking seething that he didn't come home?

I'm not going to leave him, he has never made me feel like this before, but I wonder if it's me who's being unreasonable.

[Echobelly]

There are some men who are very scared of dealing with a sick loved one, not that it's really any excuse? Is he the sort of person who likes to be able to control situations and sort them out, and he may have (probably subconsciously) tried to avoid a situation with you being ill because he would feel helpless? It might be worth asking if he felt a bit like that and telling him, if so, he needs to get over it as he's not much use to your family in a crisis if he tries to avoid it.

My mum fell very ill (chronically but not life-threateningly) when I was in my late teens and my dad was working abroad and she's often said she is glad he was away during most of the worst of it because he just wouldn't have been able to cope with not being able to make her feel better.

[jigglepiggle]

I would tell him how you feel when you get home. If I had received a call from a doctor to say someone in my family had collapsed in the hospital I would’ve been on the next flight home. Does he not realise how serious sepsis is? Hope you feel better soon.

[Username863478]

I don’t think he knew how ill you were

[currentcosleeper]

Did he fully understand you could die? Do you think maybe it was shock and fear that kept him there?

[sparklefluff]

He knew.

My 10yr old found me the morning I drove myself to a&e. I think I was delirious with fever and collapsed or fallen.
He had sobbed to him that he thought I was going to die.

[sparklefluff]

He's had leukaemia. He is well aware of how sick people can be and what sepsis is.

[HolyShmoly]

Is it possible that he just made the wrong decision when he found out? Changed his flight booking to come home early, but might have thought it was better to stay on a few extra days in order to tie up loose ends. People's priorities sometimes get messed up under stress.

I think you need to talk to him about it before you can know what was going on in his head.

[Nanny0gg]

I don’t think he knew how ill you were

The hospital phoned him. I bet his parents and inlaws may have too. And who doesn't know how serious sepsis is?

And he was instagramming street food??

[Hamandcheesebaguette]

Wow.

I don't have any helpful advice but that is really really really shitty behaviour. He should been on the first flight back, regardless of cost or even if there was going to be repercussions in regards to the project in my opinion.

I had to have a small procedure to remove CIN3 cells. Wasn't pleasant but certainly not life threatening or serious. I went alone, convinced that I could manage myself and would get the bus home. Actually, I didn't feel well afterwards, felt emotionally very weird, and shaky. I called DP crying and he left his job in the middle of the day to come and pick me up, tucked me up in bed, got me some treats from the shop, made sure I was okay and then went back to work. He'll, if I was at deaths door and he didn't do everything in his power to get to me... regardless of how perfect and wonderful he was, I'm not sure I could ever get past that. And instagramming his FOOD WHILST YOU ARE IN HOSPITAL... DYING. Honestly... I don't even think that would be it for me. I would never get over that.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you

[BettyBaggins]

Hope he redeems himself and it was denial rather than lack of care!

[YankeeDad]

You have two children. They need you. Nothing else matters right now

Try to relax and take care of yourself. Listen to music that relaxes you. Try to sleep. Get enough fluids. Take your medications. Any issues with your DH can get sorted later.

[sparklefluff]

I'm really not sure how I am going to get past it.

I knew if I opened up the conversation I would regret it internally.

[Singlenotsingle]

At least he's home now. He can care for the DC while you recover. He probably didn't fully understand how ill you were.

[DameFanny]

Well, not being able to talk for a while gives you some space to see how he intends to make things better - and I do hope he turns up grovelling

[HolyShmoly]

If you don't have the conversation it'll fester and you definitely won't get past it.

[Bambamber]

Do you feel well enough to write down exactly how you feel? I would perhaps write down how you feel now if you feel up to it, give it a few days until your head is a little clearer and then you can decide if you want him to know exactly what has been going through your mind

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He was on instagram. Fucking idiot. Did your friends pull him to bits for doing that?

It sounds as if he totally wasn’t processing how ill you were and are. Doctors do have to be very careful about what they say to relatives. Did you hear the conversation properly and if so were you lucid enough to understand what was said to him?

Now isn’t the time for you to have it out with hIm. Doesn’t stop anyone else from doing so and I’d let it be known that you’re fine with people saying stuff on your behalf if that will make you feel better.

I had no idea tonsils could grow back. Glad you’re out of danger now.

[sparklefluff]

None of my friends have had a conversation with him yet, they have only today told me how they feel.

Writing it all down is a really good idea, thank you.

[ilovegin112]

Maybe he couldn’t change his flight for 3 days I don’t know, I think your friends should stop the shit stirring though, take the dh to one side and have ago yes don’t go bad mouthing to someone who’s been seriously ill,

Also my Dm has just recovered from breast cancer, she can’t handle other people being seriously ill at the moment and she was a nurse for 50 odd years

[Bibesia]

It sounds like his family and your friends are going to make their views very clear to him, which may save you the trouble. I suspect he will realise that he has some very serious making up to do.

[Tambien]

YANBU but I wouod wit a bit more if you can to have a cat wth him.
Please take the time to look after YOURSELF FIRST, get on the mend. You really don't want to open such a can of worms when you are still so unwell.
However, now he is (or nearly is) back home, oils you fo to your parents to recover? So they will look after you whilst he is looking after the dcs?
Your health has to come first atm.
Then it will be time to talk.

[HollowTalk]

I know your friends are upset about what's happened now but have they said they were worried about him being a twat before this happened?

[sparklefluff]

Never @HollowTalk

Up until this, he's really a good guy.

Staying at mums isn't an option sadly, she only has a one bed cottage and it's miles away.

[Storminateapot]

I had cancer a few years ago and beyond being there at initial diagnosis my DH was 'too busy with work' to attend any further appointments with me for the subsequent 9 months of chemo, radiotherapy etc. He could have easily got time off, just wouldn't ask. We had very young children at the time and he basically behaved as if I just had a bad cold that I was making a total meal of and left me to it. I also had to drive myself to hospital in the middle of the night with neutropenia because he wouldn't take me.

When I felt stronger I tackled him over it and told him how hurt and let down I felt by his literally careless attitude. It nearly ended our marriage if I'm honest. I couldn't believe my partner and friend would abandon me like that in my direst need.

He has since said that he couldn't cope with the idea of losing me so behaved as if it wasn't even a possibility to avoid facing it. Total head in the sand approach.

Sadly I have since been re-diagnosed and this time I'm not going to recover. The first thing I said to him was that he either had to support me this time or we finished right away because I couldn't cope with the same behaviour as before. In fairness to him he has stepped up this time.

I understand why he behaved as he did but it took me a long time to forgive it.

[sparklefluff]

@Storminateapot I am so very very sorry.