To tell neighbour that I have aspergers?

[ItsSuchAnEasyFlight]

I've been going to gym, quite happily on my own for around a year. I noticed 6 months ago that my neighbour was also frequenting the same classes. Along with aspergers I also have BPD and social anxiety so I don't tend to mix very easily. It took us months to acknowledge each other but once we did we became quite friendly. She's a lovely woman, very sociable and gets on with everyone. Anyway to cut long story short we're at the point now where we text each other to arrange to either go to gym together (car share) or meet there. However I am absolutely shit at replying to messages and sticking to arrangements. 8 times out of ten I don't go when I say I'm going and half the time i don't reply to messages. I don't mean it badly, it's just that when I receive a message that doesn't have an obvious reply I don't see the point in replying. DH often points out that I'm being rude but I don't mean to be! Anyway I would hate her to think I don't like her or value her friendship, so do I tell her that I have aspergers so find socialising difficult? Her son has aspergers so she might have already realised but I'm worried I'm just coming across badly. DH says I shouldn't overshare so im not sure what the right thing to do here is!

I don't think your DH gets to have an opinion on that, if you feel it would be helpful for you then do it.

If you feel comfatable then tell her what you wrote here. It'll stop you worrying about it. As she has a child with the same thing I'm sure she'll understand xx

I see no harm in telling her, it shouldn't be a dirty secret or giant revelation. You could just say "sorry I didn't get to the gym when I said, I don't know if it's my asperges but I'm terrible at timings and replying to messages"?

Given that her son has it I would mention it. She might be pleased to be able to talk about it with you - both from her point of view with her son and yours as well. She obviously likes you as she’s told you that about her son. I’d go for it and then she’ll understand more about the not replying etc.

Tell her. As her son has it too, she probably realises you do already and gives you the benefit of her doubt when you don't reply etc. But you might as well be open and honest with friends.

I also have high-functioning ASD.

A while ago, I had a bit of a 'neighbour' issue, when I was getting extremely pissed off and resentful about our essentially delightful neighbours: this will sound ridiculous to most, but I am an extremely private person (added to the ASD stuff), and my retired neighbours opening the door and wanting to chat EVERY BLOODY TIME I came home from work was getting too much, and I was becoming anxious and irritable.

I gathered myself together, prepared myself (with the backing of my OH, who is neurotypical, but understands), and sent a short message one night on WhatsApp to explain why sometimes I appear to be a bit anti-social, and that it's nothing personal.

They were massively accepting and accommodating and it's been great ever since. They'll give me space when I need it (mostly coming home from work), but we can still chat and enjoy social time.

If you are comfortable with 'coming out' and you assume it will be well-received, then go with it. Sometimes NTs genuinely don't understand and need a nudge.

Tell her ... it’s better than sounding rude. She may even find it helpful to talk more about her son with you, knowing you’ll be understanding ( and vice versa)

this will sound ridiculous to most, but I am an extremely private person (added to the ASD stuff), and my retired neighbours opening the door and wanting to chat EVERY BLOODY TIME I came home from work was getting too much, and I was becoming anxious and irritable.

Good lord, surely no one, neurotypical or not, would like their neighbours doing this?! Isn't there a back way you can sneak in?

It doesn’t matter what dh thinks... it’s what’s best for you and this has nothing to do with him.

I'd tell her. I have a few friends with ASD and knowing that really helps me understand their behaviour. Even though my son has ASD I don't always spot it in others.

Tell her. If she has a son with it, she will understand. She might even have already realised!

Tell her, she will be understanding I'm sure. It may even help her too, having an adult to talk to about it so she can understand things from her sons point of view also.

If you are Co for table telling her then go for it.

@TatterdemalionAspie, it was when I found myself going round the back and climbing over a fence to get in my house the back way that I realised it was becoming a problem! I'm allowed to go into my house the front way like everybody else!

@ThistleAmore I would totally be doing that, too!

I think telling her is fine. It’s not like she’ll be ignorant about it with her son.

I'd tell her - you've got more to gain than lose from it.