To make contact one last time to say ‘Leave me alone’?

[CoughLaughFart]

I cut a long-time friend out of my life last year after one too many incidents of unacceptable behaviour. We were close in our uni days, but started to drift apart after a few years of living in different cities. However, he always made this massive thing about us being ‘best friends’ and how I’m ‘like a sister’ to him (he’s gay, so no possible romantic interest in his part).

About a year ago we went on holiday (which I paid for) and he behaved really badly and really upset me. We sort of made things up, but he did his best to make it my fault. He kept pushing me to go away again, but job issues meant I couldn’t (although I’d have had serious doubts anyway). Anyway, a while back I went to my home town specifically to see old colleagues. He went nuts about not being invited (even though he didn’t know any of them), accused me of ‘snubbing’ him time and time again, posted sarcastic digs at me all over Facebook and then sent me a ranty message saying I was treating him like a cunt, he’d always been there for me but now never again, I must need mental help etc.

I decided ‘enough’. Deleted him from Facebook, blocked him on Messenger and my phone - gone. He left me a voicemail three days later (you can still do that even if blocked; the actual call doesn’t come through) acting like it was a minor tiff and asking was I okay. I ignored it. He emailed me because I’d forgotten to block him there - I ignored and blocked. He’s left other voicemails since, all of which I ignored. The problem is now he’s hassling mutual friends to put him in contact and pass on messages. I ignore this too, but still he keeps trying. I feel bad for my friends (most of whom he only knows through me anyway) because now they’re getting stuck with his shit too. My closest friend has offered to speak to him and tell him to stop, but I don’t feel right about putting her in that position as I know he’ll keep on at her about it.

Would it be a good idea to write him a letter stating very plainly to stop attempting to contact me and to stop asking others to pass messages on? My worry is that he’s deluded enough to take any form of contact as a green light to keep trying, but I don’t know what else to do.

I would probably send one final email just so you know you have been clear that no contact is wanted. Not sure that will stop him messaging though.

I'd advise against ANY more contact. If you do you've shown him that lots of hassling = response from you.

Continue ignoring and blocking. No messages via friends either.

No, don't do it.
He already knows you don't want contact. De Becker advises that it takes an obsessed person an average of 18 months from the last contact to move on, unless they find a new person to stalk.
Every time you initiate contact with him, you can expect to have to wait another 18 months for him to get bored of you and move on.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, and get advice from Paladin stalking advisory service.

I’m inclined to agree with Upstart. To cut a long story short, I had a period of profound mental illness about fifteen years ago, and couldn’t move on from an intense friendship that always seemed (to me, to everyone around us) to be on the brink of more. Even though I wasn’t myself sure that I wanted him, the horrible realisation that he’d clearly never had so much as fleeting thought in that direction, sent me into a downward spiral of self-loathing. He then cut me off. Although I didn’t stalk him, I couldn’t accept we were no longer friends, and I behaved very very oddly. My point is - I’m very afraid I think I would have taken any contact as an encouragement. In the event, I got better and met someone fairly quickly. I see the bloke about once a year with a large group of mutual friends, and it’s fine. We don’t have a relationship at all, but we exchange pleasantries and it’s ok. So, sorry - didn’t mean to make that about me. My point is - for your sake, for his: don’t send ‘a last message’. Go NC. I really think it’s best.

If you're sure you don't want anything more to do with him, even if he begs and pleads and takes responsibility for everything he's done so far and is only trying to contact you because he's sorry and your NC has made him see the error of his ways, (which you should already have a feel for if he's contacted mutual friends) , email him, and tell him.

Do NOT contact him directly. That is only adding fuel to his fire. If he doesn't stop leaving messages and harassing your friends, I would have a solicitor send him a cease and desist letter informing him to immediately stop all attempts of communication. If you need to report this to the police, then do it. If this escalates into a stalking situation, you need to protect yourself and seek help. Hopefully, he will give up soon and this behaviour is just him being an immature prick.

Kitty - thank you so much for being so honest. If I’m completely honest with myself, I know that he would take any contact as a green light. Thanks for being unafraid to say how it was.

Tell your friends that you want no contact with him whatsoever, and that if they want to pass that on to him they can feel free to do so.

Pleasure. It was quite cathartic to write it down! I will say that, in my case - and not to minimize - he very definitely could have behaved better, but it really doesn’t sound as though you’ve done anything wrong. Different scenarios, anyway, I know. But yes. NC. At the very most, do as Bibesia has suggested. All the best!