To not do dd's hair any more?

[Dancergirl]

Dd is 11 and just coming to the end of Year 6.

She has sensory issues and possible ASD, we are getting her assessed at the moment.

She has trouble doing her own hair so I do it for her every morning before school. She is VERY fussy about it, she usually just has a pony tail but is obsessed with any 'bumps' in her hair. Her hair is quite curly and it's hard to get it to lie flat. Most morning we end up with a row about it.

I have threatened many times not to do it for her any more but then I think with her difficulties that would be mean.

She uses a very soft hair brush which probably doesn't help with getting the hair to lie flat. But any other brush is painful for her.

Would she tolerate having it cut short for a bit? Then she might find it easier to brush? Or is it the sort of hair where that would make it curlier and therefore less flat?

There's no way she'd consider a shorter hair cut. She's always moaning that it's not long enough!

My 13 nearly 14 year old is obsessed with having no bumps in her hair. Not helpful I know but it could go on for years yet! I don’t do her hair now but she uses water on a toothbrush to smooth it

Would she let you do it/is there time to put it up damp or with a leave in conditioner then hairspray? Should be easier to get to lie flat.

I wouldn't stop helping her just yet to be honest - if nothing else she might just become later and later in her quest for perfection.

I have curly hair and tend to comb it when it's wet then put in up in a bun. That way the roots tend to dry straight. Could that be an option to make it less 'bumpy'?

Has she tried a tangle teaser? They're absolutely brilliant, don't hurt at all and you can brush the hair when it's already in a ponytail to make it flat, like a comb. Not what you asked sorry

My daughter is the same. Need to allow loads of time in the mornings to avoid stressful shouting and tantrums. she is 8.

I second tangle teasers. My DD is has ASC and is mixed white / black with mid length curly hair. To get it super smooth I use tangle teaser with a light serum and finish off with a soft brush. When her teen cousins use this method they can get it mirror smooth.

but we only do super smooth occasionally. I also work hard on her loving her curls and trying new styles.

Depending on how her suspected ASD presents itself I would think at 11 she is old enough to make a decision about her own hair. Just lay out the options e.g. Option 1) You do it yourself when you start high school - but you know it takes a long time so you need to get up earlier and use the summer holidays to practice, Option 2) An easier to manage haircut that you do yourself, Option 3) I will carry on do it, but you accept it might not be perfect and any more arguments and the deal is off.
My mum made decisions about my hair/clothes that I have always resented. I realise now it was to make her life easier/lack of money but she should have discussed it with me so I had input into the decision which was ultimately about me.

Curly hair won't lie super smooth, so I'd work on getting her to accept that.

I have curls and never brush when my hair is dry.
You could style it in the mornings by spraying it and wide tooth combing?

My dd has unbelievably curly hair. What about using a detangling spray, run your fingers through it then comb it out and put it in a pony while it's still damp? Don't know if that's any help lol!

At 11 she should do it herself, she must have been away on residential trips by now.

However that's with the assumption that as you don't have a diagnosis yet that if she does have ASD she is high functioning.

I agree with jungle

Dry wax spray and a tangle teezer (after the soft brush with detangler) is how I get DDs (also autistic) hair to sit with no bumps in a ponytail.

Could she wear a wide hair band that would cover the bit she stresses about? Would she then be less bothered about it being 100% flat?

Like these m.ebay.co.uk/itm/Stretchy-Alice-Band-Kylie-Gym-Sports-School-Hair-Headband-Girls-Ladies-UK-/282830398852?nav=SEARCH

jungle has some good tips.

I made a deal with my 11yo where I would do her hair every other day, or every few days - and definitely not at the weekend. It's not that I don't like it or anything, but I feel that at this age she should be taking over trying out styles and fixing it herself. She invariably just throws it up in a bunch on her days and expects me to do cute plaits and things on my days, though.

In your situation, I would start encouraging her to work on it herself at the weekends and make it clear that you are finished with arguing every morning - if she doesn't like it, she needs to learn to do it herself to her satisfaction. Developing this skill will likely take a while, though. I wouldn't stop helping her just yet.

Tangle teasers are great although my DD has it for tangles rather than curls! But the bristles don't hurt. We deal with the tangles now by plaiting before bed and then brushing out into a ponytail in the morning. The result is waves in DDS straight hair, but it means there are no knots to deal with while rushing in the morning. I wonder if a night time plait would have a sort of opposite effect on curly hair and help keep the roots straight overnight? Then a quick tangle free brush out in the morning and into the ponytail?

My dd has thick wavy/curly hair, is in yr5 and exactly the same. She has some mild sensory issues and can’t stand certain textures, labels etc. For a long time she has been obsessed with perfect hair. I sympathise.

I find the best time to do dds hair in a pony tail is when it’s wet. It is a bit awkward but it lies flatter. I don’t use a tangle teaser. We have the white plastic bristled denman brushes. Dd washes her hair every other day and we have just started using the new l’oreal elvive extraordinary oil for dry hair, both shampoo and conditioner. She / I comb the conditioner through with a wide toothed comb. I used to use the miracle moist 3 oil leave in serum but since dd has started regular showers I find it unnessary. It is good though.

The trick for dd is the correct products, combing in the shower and regular brushing and washing. She also brushes her hair before bed and sleeps in a pony tail or plait so that it’s not too tangly the next day. Gone are the days thank goodness when I had to grapple dd to the shower to wash her hair and where I used to brush the top with a soft brush and left the birds nest below until the next hair wash.

My dd has started to do her hair more. She can manage a low pony tail and bunches as long as I do the parting. Perhaps you and your dd could sit down together and you could teach her. However, no I wouldn’t stop doing your dds hair. I understand it’s hard and I expect like me, you get all manner of back chat. It’s a phase like any other phase and she will eventually grow out of it I expect.

I have curly hair. If I want to blow dry it smooth in the mornings I wash it (or just condition it) and run a wide toothed comb through then rinse off the conditioner. Leave hair in a turban while I do teeth/face cream etc then put serum in and use another wide toothed comb to scrape it all back, put it up in a big clip. Then when it's a bit drier I comb it out again then blow dry it. You could try suggesting something like this, also silk pillowcases for her would help keep the hair overnight. I wouldn't stop doing her hair, it's nice if she likes you to do it, but maybe try to get over the arguments otherwise it's not nice for either of you!

Little lesson in the things in life that can't be perfectly controlled.

yy we have Mediterranean/Celtic wild curls. DD 6 has been told constantly (by all the old ladies in the village and random people in supermarkets etc) how pretty she is and especially how beautiful are her abundant curls. We have been reluctant to cut them, so she has a mass of wild curls down to her bottom. However, she doesn't like having her hair combed through.

I don't brush and only comb through when her hair is wet, with some detangler or coconut oil and usually tie back in a bunch. Often I tie it like the picture, but in one big bunch and retie once or twice a day. Fortunately she is not yet bothered about it being flat and has got the message thankfully that her curls are great.

Thank you, some really good tips. We do have a tangle teaser, dd won't even entertain the idea! I might try again with it though.