Am I mean to my son?

[ItsSuchAnEasyFlight]

Backstory - I have BPD, aspergers traits and social anxiety. I NEED time alone in the house. However I do work mon-Thursday.

Last year DS1 was at college and DS2 was at school so I'd come home at lunch and have an hour to myself. Fridays it was just me in the house. It worked.

Now, DS1 is at uni but barely ever there and DS2 is doing nothing, he's stuck in the house until 3pmish and then goes out for the evening. I NEVER get the house to myself anymore. When I come in at lunch DS1 immediately flies down the stairs and sits in the living room with me. If I don't engage in conversation he starts winding the dog up. If the dog starts, DS2 comes down stairs to "join in the fun" before you know it my peaceful dinner hour is chaos and I get so stressed out I may as well have stayed at work.

I've tried encouraging DS1 to spend his time off uni actually doing something but it's like talking to a brick wall. DS2 is an overall nightmare and that's a whole other thread.

I've found myself being quite short with DS1 lately. For example I'll come in at lunch and sit down and will hear him pounding down the stairs to join me so I've said to him on occasion "just give me 10 minutes, I've literally just walked through the door". Then I feel guilty but I'm not coping. It's 24/7. I just want to be left alone.

AIBU to think at 19 he shouldn't be so clingy? I feel guilty but I NEED time alone.

They’re both old enough to understand you need time to yourself for your MH. Just tell them, don’t avoid them or snap at them.

Have they not got part time jobs? Nothing wring with saying you need ten minutes when you get in from work to unwind.

But what are you going to do if everyone here says that you ARE mean/unreasonable?

Don't you have a bedroom? Does your alone time have to be in the family rooms?

I would find somewhere else to go. A quiet library or similar.

Yes, agree. Use your bedroom (or garden if you prefer) as a space to be alone and teach them not to bother you when your in them.

Get them to walk the dog at lunchtime.

Have you told them what you need and why, OP?

It’s lovely that he wants to be with you! I think I’d take myself off to a cafe or park for my quiet lunch though..

There was a similar thread to this - from memory OP got slated

Enjoy it while you can, when they are off you'll miss them coming in to see you when you get through the door. Maybe have lunch together and a chat when you come in then say you want 10 mins later? Can you put a comfy armchair in your bedroom so that you can go in there with your book?

The way I see it is that family rooms are for family so asking them not to be in there is a bit unfair. Would your dad ask for you to leave so he could have alone time in a shared area or would he go to his room? Now that they're older I don't think you can keep them out of a shared family area. I think it would be good if you could find somewhere else to go to have quiet time.

I totally understand your need though and it's not mean to need time to yourself. Try being honest with them though and see if you can come up with a solution together.

Ds, not dad... Silly autocorrect

I think that it's odd for a 19yr old to wind a dog up because his mum doesn't want to chat!

Of course you need time alone. It’s natural for some and I do appreciate others don’t necessarily understand. I’m the same and need a lot more than an hour. Even my dd, who is 9 and can be pretty full on understands this.

I think you need to be careful that you don't end up rejecting them unkindly, because on the whole it's good that they like to spend time with you. I think maybe making the effort in the first 5 minutes home to say hello, then going up to your bedroom or running yourself a bath and giving yourself time alone. I don't think you can really expect to have the house to yourself while your adult sons are still home.

If you're mean then I'm worse.. I ask my 10yo to leave me in peace occasionally, usually after a long week when I just need an hour to reset. Don't know if it's the ASD or because I'm a single parent, but I really need that time on my own sometimes.

Never having the house to myself would actually drive me a little bit crazy

I don't think they are doing anything wrong really. I think it would be fair for you to go to your bedroom and let the dc know they aren't to disturb you.

It IS a lovely luxury to have the whole house to yourself. I can see why you are missing that.

There's nothing wrong with your sons wanting to be with you, in fact it is lovely that they are so attached to you. They don't suddenly stop needing their mum when they reach a magic age.

However, it sounds like they DO get to spend plenty of time with you. And you definitely need your alone time!! Be very specific about when you want it. You don't want to be negotiating about it constantly or expecting them to "get it". Just tell them, for example, that when you are in your bedroom with the door closed you aren't to be disturbed. Or that you want sole use of the living room from noon to 1pm.

You might find it easier to look for a sanctuary away from the house so you won't have to hear their background noise. This time of year, maybe somewhere outdoors? Park, cemetery? Then for bad weather somewhere like a church or a quiet cafe or the library. Even in my very busy town there are a few quiet cafes - ask around locally.

It may be that your sons are behaving as they do because they sense that you are pushing them away, so they act more needy, so you are all in a vicious circle. If you can carve out the alone time you need, you then will start engaging with your sons in a more warm and enthusiastic way when you are with them, because your needs are being met and you have the energy for them. They will respond by becoming less clingy and annoying than they now are.

I need alone time too for sanity. When my kids were still young I used to grab any 'alone' moments I could to recharge.

I have been known to stay in the car for with a book and eat my lunch rather than go back to the house when it was full of family.

Then you feel ok when you do go back after work. Take it where you can get it without upsetting anyone.

DS2 needs to get a job or back into education, what are his plans/goals? You can't throw him out of shared space. If he is doing nothing and has no reason to have a routine he's probably bored and a bit lonely so jumps at human contact when you get home. It sounds like you get alone time in the evenings? If he's out and other DS is at Uni so I would imagine also has a social life. Why did DS1 stay home for uni would he not prefer to move out with friends?

I think it's definitely best you talk to them as adults when you're not stressed and let them know you need a little time to yourself and negotiate when that time will be etc.