AIBU to wonder what’s effing wrong with men?

[SuspiciouslyMinded]

Not all of them obviously, but it’s a pattern I see too often: in my own life and in the lives of my friends, and my family... the fecking mid-life crisis. Men in their 40s leaving their wives and maybe 2 or maybe 3 kids, or more, because ‘they deserve something more from life’. Breaking up families because of total selfishness and lack of responsibility. Have you ever come across a woman who has done that to her family? I’d be interested to know if you did.

With guys, it happens over and over again. What’s wrong? Are they wired this way? Not cut out for long-term monogamy and family responsibilities? If so, perhaps we should only get married for 10-15 years and forget about the whole ‘till death do us part’ nonsense. It would save a lot of heartache due to broken promises and unrealistic expectations.

And please don’t give me the platitudes about ‘having to work on a relationship to make it successful’. I get it. But I also get it that both partners have to want to make it work. In many cases, men - especially family men - just can’t be arsed!

Before you jump at me as it to be expected - I know I’m generalising. There are wonderful men, happy decades-long relationships, kids growing up in unbroken families. Well done to all of you who are in this situation.

But the pattern of guys leaving their families is becoming so common that it’s becoming ridiculous. Maybe marriage itself is a flawed concept if fewer and fewer people can stick to it?

Grrrrrr. Rant with me or make or tell me I’m wrong. Either will make me feel better.

“She always refused to sleep with him...”

I refused to sleep with my xh because he was s lazy feckless little shit

“She was a very difficult woman to live with...”

Yes I used to nag him to pull his weight and didn’t want him to carry on like he was single and carefree after we had kids

On the flip side I know lots of women in relationships with abusive men who won’t leave even though they have been asked to. I think we all wish they would to be honest!

All we need is “she was crazy” to complete the list of sayings from men about why their previous relationship failed.

I do think men appear to find it easier to walk out on their families particularly when OW are involved. Although I do think a lot of them realise the grass isn’t greener but it’s too late (perhaps wishful thinking).

Whenever a MNetter posts about being in a stale marriage, not wanting sex with her DP anymore, no affection etc they are often advised that they 'deserve more', 'deserve happiness' 'life is too short..you should adored'.

I think marriage does need to be reevaluated. We are living longer, have far more choices and expectations. It's a bit bonkers to make the marital promises when you cannot know how someone will (or won't) grow, change and develop over the years. Perhaps a renewable contract is the more realistic option. Men do bugger off, women less so, but I think there are huge levels of unhappiness and frustration in marriages on both sides.

Totally agree with you OP.

Unexpected pregnancy last year with my first baby, my OH was over the moon, telling me not to worry and he'll look after us. Fast forward to March and our baby is 3 weeks old. We had a stupid argument down to me being tired and he left. Tx me telling me he was getting his life back and I wasn't the person he thought I was.
We were like that for about 7 weeks then both had a chat how we wanted it to work. I put everything that has been said down to stress of a new baby...
We've just split up again as his priorities are all wrong.
Think a lot of 'men' are staying at home longer nowadays so taking a lot longer to grow up. Being ruined by their mum.
Men I know who moved out young seem to be the ones who have stook around for their families.

Don't get me started on this subject.

I'm a daughter of a mother who did this...

And experienced a DP in his 40s who did this

From the guy side of things....I think the Internet has made it's too easy these days for guys to get shags without commitment. Why have all the headaches when you can get the good stuff and a variety without having to work at it. Is that selfish.,.or common sense....who wants to make their life harder.

Still think my ex is an absolute knob cornflake though.

My Dad raised me and was utterly fab.

From a woman's side of things...women are terrible with the grass is always greener...not quite being satisfied.....think it's part of our DNA to notice the details and want to make things better....ideal when raising kids.

My mum is and will always be a complete cow

A couple of generations ago....,we were all preoccupied with other things. Now we have gadgets upon gadgets we've streamlined our living. More time to think

Elephant** i had the same speech too. Knob jockeys!

I think a lot of people - regardless of gender - get married and have children to prove something to themselves and/or to others, or because they've run out of other goals. The second reason isn't necessarily so bad, but it is if it's your main reason.

When they've done that and it doesn't make them feel better, then instead of realising that actually, there is no one big "This is it! I have arrived!" moment in life, only a succession of smaller goals and achievements, they think "Oh, this must have been the wrong thing".

They try playing the game again in the hopes of winning it this time, instead of realising that the game is a lie, if you see what I mean.

I think this is the result of them being too outwardly-focussed.

And it's something British culture as it is now encourages; constantly pushing people to find fulfillment through life experiences, and telling them that having [expensive] experiences will spontaneously change them and make them better people.

When a big part - possibly the biggest - of personal fulfillment and development comes from within, from reflecting on things, from forgetting about what you've been pressured to want and making your own priorities. From as early on in life as possible, so that you screw fewer people over by kidding them you want the same things they do.

Wow SuspiciouslyMinded you have hit the nail on the head for me. Im so sorry you're getting some weird replies. My STBXH did exactly what you said. I've had months and months to mull over why he behaved as he did. I can't find any other answer than he deliberately hid how entitled and selfish he truly was. He made no effort to 'prevent' his unhappiness by talking to me. Trying to shape the relationship to avoid his feelings of being less important than he used to be, recognising what we had as a lovely family beat what he revealed he wants which is effectively a single life (and money). He pretended he wanted couples counselling, but by that stage he'd been having a long-term affair. He's skipped off into a new life barely seeing the children. His life is filled with lies and deceit. It's opened my eyes. I will never trust someone to that extent again and I will certainly never want a needy, smelly (sorry but he was) and ultimately selfish man in my life again. I'm planning on being a crazy cat lady when the kids grow up! Thanks for posting a thought-provoking thread.

OP, I agree. I've always wondered if it was partly to do with more women being SAHP and so having a maybe a different / more dependency related bond with the children, or maybe just being the main care giver means they are more acutely aware of the children's needs? Maybe a lack of the same in the WOHP means they can fool themselves into thinking the rest of the family will cope without them, and use that to downplay the obvious destruction to the family their affair/leaving has.

I also think that a lot of men (NOT all!) have their children because their DW wanted them at that time / at all and they fell into the " that's what adults do" trap. Not saying they don't want kids or love them, but most couples I know with kids the DW was a stronger decider of timing than the DH. So maybe that is used by men to rationalise leaving as they got "forced" into parenthood?

And there is the true double standard of it being much more acceptable for men to leave, which surely has some effect.

I find it really interesting, in a sad way, how much is nature and how much is nurture? Clearly it's not biological as it's not all men, but statistically it seems a strong trend? Or is that just my perception maybe?

Men are always going to be drawn to younger women. It is biology and not exactly a new thing. But Modern culture makes it easier to have affairs etc due to tinder etc.
Women are also less likely to just accept it as they might have done in the past - so more likely to instigate divorce. A lot of men would have happily stayed married if they could carry on having their cake and eating it.
The misogynistic government makes it easy for men to escape their responsibilities. Ie if they start a new family their minimum maintenance automatically drops!!! Only takes into account earned money not money in the bank. Only those on PAYE actually have to pay the full amount which is pitiful as it is. Self employed, contracters etc can easily get out of it.

A lot of interesting insight here. One theme I've noticed is families breaking up as the kids hit late primary school age, when the kids are less dependent and the parents have more time to look around them and wonder if they "deserve" more.

One man I know can't understand why his wife left him as he hasn't changed at all since they got married and had children. The wife left him after years of resentment about the fact that he hadn't changed in the way he needed to when the kids came along. He expected her to do the bulk of the childcare and domestic stuff, yet complained about her only working part time so they relied more on his income...

I know this is not the norm but in my family it has been the women having the mid life crisis. My younger brothers wife decided after 4 kids that she needed more personal space so she found a house, went 50/50 with childcare and remained close to my brother, to the point where they share birthday plans and this year are all holidaying together, but at the time of her moving out, was totally devastating for my brother and the kids. A cousin decided she was unhappy with her sex life and started shagging the builder...she also had 4 children.....15 years on, she and DH still share the same house but barely speak to each other and live seperate lives. Another couple in the family, she ummed and aahed about whether they could save the marriage and kept going on expensive holidays to try and save the marriage but eventually asked him to move out. He remarried within a year and she was very unhappy about that and made a big facebook thing about it. Obviously I have oversimplified all the above, but in all 3 scenarios, the husbands absolutely adored their wives and in the first 2 instances were totally blindsided by their actions and had no idea it was coming.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3272753-Divorce-family-breakdown-is-hugely-detrimental-for-the-children

Lots of women here saying they wanted more so left a relationship..

My mum was the one who left when I was in my young teens. It was awful and shitty what she did at the time though we did reconnect later on and she was sincerely sorry for the pain she caused me and my Dad. She was absolutely vilified and had to completely replace every friend she had essentially as none of them wanted to know her. Although I do appreciate she did not handle the situation well at all (there was cheating) I certainly don't think a man's friends would react in such an extreme manner.

My Dad brought me up from then on and I always lived with him until the day I moved out. He's a wonderful wonderful man and I wouldn't be who I was without him.

Enter
It was nurture here. My mum left me as a baby. Her mum left her at primary age in a children's home and her mum left her in children's homes as a single mum who needed to work to pay towards fees.

My exDPknobjockey

@MonochromeDog I am really sorry to hear what your mum did to you. Xx

It is a fact that it seems easier for men to walk away from family.

I am quite pro divorce and if a marriage really has 'died' it is better to move on. But marriage or no marriage it does take two people to make a baby and after divorce both parents are still 100% parents.

Sadly some parents are just not good for kids so sometimes one parent ends up shouldering everything alone.

If people can see their marriage is in trouble there are things they can do, counselling or maybe a course like 'The marriage course', a secular course run by some churches.

But I think once the fires start dying out a lot of people do want out and that is part of our current mind set in the west, Me, me, me what me!

When a marriage is not just dying but is toxic, corrosive, abusive then absolutely the partner being abused needs to think of themselves (and any kids) and get out. But I don't think this is the situation the OP means.