Calling a 3yo a bully

[causeimunderyourspell]

My eldest dd who is nearly 3.5 just said nanny calls her bully when she takes things off her little sister. This has pissed me off a bit as a 3yo doesn't even have the capacity to bully in my opinion, and also they are both as bad as each other for arguing over toys. There's just less than a year between them so naturally they want the exact same of everything! Anyway I can't decide whether I'm being unreasonable for being annoyed about it or am I overreacting?! I'm tempted to speak to her and tell her I don't appreciate her basically name calling a 3yo which is bullying in itself surely??

I think a 3 year old (at least if they haven't just turned 3) does have that capacity actually. If they know the item isn't theirs, if they use their larger size to force the other one to relinquish something, then that is unkind behaviour. Whether you would go as far as to it call it bullying is a subjective issue, but I wouldn't call it "bullying" to point out that a child's behaviour is unacceptable.

No I wouldn't call it bullying to point out that she's doing wrong, but to keep calling her bully is.

She doesn't have any strength advantage over her sister, in fact it's the other way round so I find it odd that she's even saying it.

I agree with calling her out when she takes toys from her sister. She does need to learn that it’s not ok to use the fact that she’s bigger to take things. However, I don’t agree with labelling small children and wouldn’t be happy about her being called a bully. I’m unsure who ‘nanny’ is in your scenario but could you ask whoever it is to adjust their language (very easy if it’s your paid nanny, less so if it’s your mother or MIL) to say things like ‘that’s not nice’, ‘it makes your sister sad when you take her toy’, ‘we need to share’ etc. instead.

@TroubledLichen yeah totally agree with you, I'm glad she is stopping it when it happens but I just don't get the point in calling her that when she has no idea what that even means, it's not exactly productive or effective. No more so that calling a child a dick or something! I think it's just pointless and a bit spiteful! Annoyingly it's my MIL

The point of saying it is to teach them what it means. You're saying, "See what you are doing now? You're bullying your sister. That's called bullying. Stop it, please."

If we don't do that, they get to, what, 6 or 7 before we use that word for that behaviour? 10?

I don't think it's appropriate to label a 3yo as "a bully" but they can display bullying behaviour for sure.

A 3 yo can bully.
There's a kid at my DC's school. He was a bully at 3, a bully at 4, a bully at 5 and is now a bully at 6.
Parents have left the school because of him. Parents have complained to the teachers, school and headmistress but nothing gets done. Eventually they leave the school (in the last 4 years over 10 parents have left). We are leaving the end of this year.
His parents ignore the problem and when another parent complained about their little prince the Dad came and squared up to the mother that dared to complain.
It's batshit. I can't wait until we leave.

Yeah I agree that using the word bully unnecessarily stigmatises developmentally normal behaviour. Of course it’s necessary to correct a 3 y/o who snatches, explain that it’s wrong etc. Name-calling a toddler is not on though - especially by a childcare professional. If your child is remembering it then it’s clearly having an effect - I’d have a word with the nanny.

3 year olds can be bullies, I dont think its neccesarily their fault at that age but they definately end up bullying other children. There will be victims to their actions and those children will feel like they are being bullied, that shouldnt be minimised because the perpetrator is only 3.
Honestly I dont think I would mind if my child was being taught what they are doing is bullying, hopefully they will learn to stop sooner that way.

This whole new use of the word Bully has got out of hand. Workplace people who are just rude obnoxious people are now bullies. The important thing here is that we should never label children with any name. Bully, naughty etc. It is the behaviour we need to focus on and the child needs to learn it is the behaviour that is the wrong thing, not the child. A 3-year-old can have no concept of this name, and neither should she. She does need to learn what behaviour is unacceptable. A trained nanny should know this very well. Do not label children

How come the children are alone with your MiL?

But being rude and obnoxious at work can very much be bullying. It's often an appropriate use of the word.

OOPS I thought you meant her Nan, not a nanny.

If anyone called my DCs that I'd be furious. Name calling is unacceptable to me, a child does not need to be labelled before there is intent. Calling them names like that actually negatively effects their behaviour as they believe they are a bully and will often act accordingly

I don't think a young child should be labelled a bully. Her snatching shouldn't go unchecked, but calling her a bully teaches her nothing

Snatching isn't bullying!

It's behaviour that requires correction but that isn't bullying.

Talk to the nanny.

Just to clarify, she's actually in no way a bully whatsoever. She honestly wouldn't say boo to a goose, neither of them would. They are snatchy and rough at times with each other though.

It's my MIL not a hired nanny who is saying it. She talks non stop rubbish but I don't expect her to be calling my 3yo a bully!!

Well, if she is reprimanding your DD you have every right to ask her stop, assuming this isn't childcare, in which case it's her opinion and I think you have to suck it up.

I would say that yes a 3.5 year old can be a bully.

At 3.5 a child should know not to snatch toys off another child. I dont think its wrong to point out to the child that they are being a bully when they do this. Its telling them that this is not good behaviour and people will not like you if you do that.

If she is still doing it after being told a couple of times, then you need to start addressing that behaviour because it won't go away on its own and if she is doing it when she starts nursery then other people will be calling her a bully.

What exactly does the nanny say though? If she says something like 'stop being a bully dd' I can't see whats wrong with that. if shes shouting 'you are such a horrible little bully dd' then obvioulsy that is not acceptable.

Is your mil calling your 3 year old a bully when she takes toys from your 2 year old, and telling your 3 year old to let the 2 year old take toys because she's too young to know better and big sisters should share?

Because if she is, she needs to stop. Pretty sure that enduring thread of hypocrisy in the way we were treated and the way it led to her constant free pass to goad and torment me as we got a bit older was why I hated my close in age younger sister with a fairly vicious passion throughout my childhood, only later mellowing to disinterest...

I've been very careful to ensure younger siblings have been held to account for taking/ breaking older siblings things even if only for show when too young to understand, to prevent the resentment between siblings which grows when the eldest is always told to be kind and let the younger treat them like a doormat, and the younger treated as if butter wouldn't melt because they're too young to understand - that dynamic starts at 3 and 2, but somehow at 13 and 12, and 18 and 17, it's still in place...