To ask for advice in a very sad situation

[Allfednonedead]

I have recently heard that my cousin has terminal cancer. He has three DC, his wife is one of my dearest friends and I am godmother to his DD.
However, I now live in a different country, so can't be there physically for them.
Can anyone think of things I can do for them remotely over the coming difficult months? At the moment, I am emailing him chatty emails every day, and emailing his DW less often but still more than usual. She has said she finds talking on the phone difficult.

I don't have much to say but ur cousin is in my prayer and as is his family.

That's so sad. I think being a 'penpal' is fabulous. People can order their thoughts much better through writing and at times it can be much more comforting and easier to do. There's a reason diaries were invented.

It's hard being far away, on top of the support you're already providing you could send the odd little care package with a small gift for each of them? Just a little 'thinking of you' gift each. Most kids, up until quite old, love getting things through the post.

Offer to do an online shop maybe? X

Could the children come and stay with you for a few days?

Fucking awful. Had a similar situation with a friend’s child being the poorly one. It was really hard to feel like I was supporting them from afar. Can you visit them at all? I think that’s what they appreciated the most. Keep in touch, stay connected, make sure they know your door is always open. It’s hard from afar because they actually need a lot of practical day to day help at the moment.

Other than that I’d say don’t forget the children. Pop a card in the post for them once a week or something. They will appreciate it as will their parents.

Send them some frozen meals via Cook?

I don’t know much about right now. But I do know afterwards for his wife long term support will be important. I know a lot of bereaved people say they get a lot of support in the immediate aftermath, but then people seem to melt away, and when they are ready to talk nobody is there.

Maybe an online order from Cook so she doesn't need to worry about meals
www.cookfood.net/

I very much agree with PP that long term post bereavement support is really important.

Could you do a sponsored event to raise money for them to go on one last family holiday?

I just don't know what I'd do if I was in this position other than wallow and make the most of the time I had to be perfectly honest so I'm not sure what there is you can do besides financial help or flowers?

Just keep in touch regularly. This can make a massive difference so they know you are there and listening.

Offer a holiday afterwards x

Send postcards to them? Nobody sends much through the post these days, yet it’s lovely to receive something colourful and cheery

Can you plan a visit?

I think anything that lets them know you are thinking of them is good. I think things that arrive in the post are lovely...postcards, letters, small gifts...

Do you have room to invite them to stay?

A terminal cancer diagnosis is utterly, utterly awful but he might have periods of time where he feels up to having an ‘easy’ holiday.

You’re all in my thoughts x

I'm so sorry, that's awful.

Maybe invite the kids to stay with you for a holiday if that's appropriate?

I would also order nice treats to be delivered online - brownies or something like that. Just now and then it might be a nice pick me up.

Keep in touch and ask what he and his wife are finding hard/would like support with.

It also depends on what terminally ill means. Some people have just a weeks/months to live but other might have a couple of years (even if it’s terminal). Obvioulsy the situation is very different and the support they need is different.

From afar it's difficult.
Send cards, a silly postcard for a family member?
Acknowledge that it's hard to know what to do.
Send a voucher for m&s, or a supermarket so they can order or buy a frivolous dinner or snack?. Amazon vouchers for movies?

Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions.

I know you’re right about being prepared for long term support afterwards, but in a sense that’s the easy bit. I know how to do that. It’s the next few months that I don’t know what to do.
But yes, visiting, little bits and bobs in the post, regular emails.
I’m not sure about having the DC to stay - their home is so much more lovely than ours, plus travelling alone to another country when you’re already struggling doesn’t seem like a great idea. The DC are 14, 12 and 9.

I would buy them all some gifts on amazon prime and possibly an online food shop. Aside from that, see if you can visit once or twice or offer them to visit you.

I am so so sorry .Will you be seeing him before he dies?
Go and visit them.
Send books and gifts through Amazon.
Write to him.
It depends on the length of time estimated for him.
My sister died recently and is was aprox 18 months after being told her cancer was terminal. She travelled extensively until the last.
Has he a prognosis?
Is there an estimate on how long he has left?
Nearer the end of his life they will need more/different support.

If they are in the UK have you checked that McMillan are supporting them?
Do you have the finances to pay for a once a week cleaner?

Is her husband terminal in that he’s expected to pass away soon or terminal as in incurable? I do think that there is a difference. My husband has incurable cancer and will most likely not love for ages but he’s still on active treatment to control the cancer and it may (hopefully) work for some time. Although I couldn’t really speak to people for a good few weeks after we found out the most important thing for us was to carry on as normal. In fact, because his treatment wasn’t chemo and therefore wasn’t immediately visible we didn’t really tell many people.

I would have hated anyone to do any shopping or food gifts for us (or any gifts at all) and I have said thanks but no thanks to anyone who has offered to take the children away etc (unless of course it’s people who they would go away with normally). The most important thing for us is to get on with it.

Once he gets truly terminal and becomes properly ill that may well change although I suspect my focus will be on maintaining the equilibrium at home as far as possible.

The best things my friends have done is to ask me how things are, let me rant where necessary and to carry on making our normal arrangements for going out etc and making sure that although they acknowledge the illness it’s not the sole focus of our interactions.

Hope that helps a bit but as I say, incurable where there’s still a good quality of life and terminal as in end of active treatment are both quite different and I can only comment on the former

I went through a very difficult time with cancer myself recently. Things that helped were little gifts. Not necessarily expensive but just to know people were thinking of me. I stopped socialising and going out so I wasn't meeting people.

Also, txts & emails. Like your cousins wife I couldn't talk on the phone as I was pretty much constantly in tears and it set me off, email & txt was my way to communicate.

If you/they are religious prayers helped.

I hope you're ok now what x

I always thought this website was a good idea

www.notanotherbunchofflowers.com/

Someone I know her Husband has terminal Cancer, not old, they have twins sort of 8/9ish but what I see works for them is time together so days out, holidays etc but financially they are well supported by his work amongst others. I also know of others that really struggle with the financials things like parking costs, healthy foods etc. transport where one doesn't drive.

I think it would be good if you could make time to visit for a longish period - not stay with them obv but give her some time to off load.