To want my ex to do more

[motherhen83]

Hi ladies, I split with my ex a year ago and he was a brilliant father, always involved in what the 4 children were up to. Now we have split and are divorcing he has them every other weekend as that is it. He doesn’t take any interest in schooling or any other well-being things that go on with our kids. I asked him if he would have them a couple more evenings to give me a break or even an extra day a week as I’m working full time also. He isn’t paying his half of the mortgage and only pays £280 a month for all 4 kid so as you can imagine it’s a struggle to stay afloat. I just don’t know where to go from here, he is a very stubborn and quite a bully and it’s his way or the highway. I just so desperately need help with the children and I’ve told him to man up and put his dislike to me aside but all I get is “I can’t I’m busy working”. I have to work full time too and meet 100% of the childcare costs so if I can do it why can’t he a day or 2 a week? Is this too much to ask of him? Am I being too pushy and unreasonable? I’m at my whits end I really am. I have no family at all so no one to fall back on to I’m completely
On my own

Unfortunately you can't make him have them more than he wants to. My ex doesn't see my 4 kids at all. I don't think £280 is bad my ex only pays £13 a fortnight for 4 kids. Is that £280 the amount worked out by cMs??

Yes it is but he is on a 24,000 a year job. It works out at £18 per child per week. That covers very little, my childcare bill is horrendous. I keep asking him to call the CMA and tell them he is earning more but he won’t and they say unless he calls they can’t do anything until next June when they reassess. The cost of the kids is so high even food alone as you probably know

£13 a fortnight is disgraceful isn’t he working?

Yes like I said we get £13 a fortnight. Not much you can do if that's what the csa says he has to pay. It would be nice if he would help out more but every other weekend is a normal arrangement most nrps have.

xposted no he refuses to work to avoid cms.

This is why the law giving fathers more parental rights should never have changed. Too many want all of the rights and none of the responsibilities.

£280 per month is absolutely shocking for four kids. I thought my ex was a useless twat for paying me £30 per week for one. He never had her for any weekends, overnights, anything. Just left it all to me.

I feel for you OP.

OP, can you see a solicitor about your rights because it doesn't seem fair that he's not covering half of the mortgage but isn't still going to be entitled to half the equity?

Also, are you entitled to any free childcare hours?

Butterlykisses You seem resigned to the fact that that's how it is and women should just have to deal with it as that's the law. We should never resign ourselves to men copping out and doing the minimum for their kids care wise and financially. Why should women shoulder all of the care and financial responsibility, often getting themselves into debt and working themselves into the ground trying to provide and feeling guilty for not being able to give the kids their time or nice things? It's a totally unfair situation and woman should be angry about this.

Thank you! I just spent £75 on school uniform and he refused to pay half. The best bit is he lives rent free at hims mums and only buys food and fuel so he could help a lot more. I struggle to work and keep on top of the housework and I just need some time where the kids aren’t here to get it done every few days. Even if it’s a few hours but it’s a flat no. I’m so embarrassed I can’t even pay school trips I have to use the voluntary contribution excuse it’s awful. He doesn’t buy them clothes, shoes, he didn’t buy my daughter a 5th bday present and told me to put mine from him too it’s a joke. Why do dads get away with it? Courts should be able to enforce they do their fair bit. My kids luckily all see how much I do to keep our lives going however sometimes I just sit with my head in my hands and cry

No my kids are of school age but I shift work so have to have mornings and evenings up to 1930.

I’m over the threshold for legal aid due to the equity in my house so really can’t afford to take him to court. I’ve told the mortgage company he isn’t paying and they said they would back me but it would be self funded

Get maintenance and contact written into the Court Order. I have got in mine that he will pay £500/month until DS1 is financially independent. He'll also pay half of all school costs and half of all extra curricular activities

Of course I don't think that. But there is nothing that can be done is the point. So this is more just venting. Nothing's going to change. I had to fight for over 6 years just for £13. Be realistic, you can't force him to have them nor can you force him to pay more child maintenance.

I didn’t know you could do that? Is that done by a solicitor or the family court? I’d be happy with £500 a month that would massively help

That’s not what I’m asking @butterflykisses maintainance is a different issue I just need help as I’m struggling and don’t have family. You’re right though I can’t force him it’s incredibly frustrating

Motherhen83 - you can get it done as part of the divorce. After a year though he can refer it back to the CMS

Trying i don't mean to be a bearer of bad news but that court order is only applicable for 1 year after which he can go to CMA and if they order he has to pay less you are stuck. (The rest is still applicable unless you decide to go for insanely expensive after school activities, aka i had a client with that wording on the court order so my clients EX found the most expensive hobby she could find to punish my client, thinking the court order would mean he would have to pay half, the judge was not best pleased as it was meant to be "reasonable afterschool activities not something costing 14k a term "she was wealthy so could afford half but he was disabled and could only work part time for 21k a year) so basically she was laughing with glee because to pay 50% of the activities she had choosen would of taken 100% of his wages so the court order was changed that he was only required to pay half on reasonable activites that HE agreed with.

Unless you have undertakings put in that say you won't go via the CMS and will stick to the Court Order..... which is what we have done

Even undertakings can be changed aka if he has an accident and can no longer work. It is just harder to do as if he does not have the income he cannot pay out but this is going off topic.

The figure you have quoted he is paying is on par with the CMS calculator so I would say you have little wriggle room.

YADNBU, what you are asking is more than reasonable - I can't believe he's refusing and is happy with EOW [shocked].

Regarding maintenance unfortunately he doesn't have a pay a penny above CMS calculation, regardless of your childcare/mortgage costs. Ridiculous but that's the legal situation. HOWEVER if you are not yet divorced, you may be entitled to something towards the mortgage until the house is dealt with in the divorce, I would see a lawyer asap about this.

Worriedmum - yes l know DS1 is disabled which is why we have both agreed to undertakings and agreements for on going maintenance to be included in the Order. I also know that Stbxh has had a pay rise since we started the divorce but l prefer the long term security of the Court Order for maintenance as oppose to getting an increase now if l went via CMS.

I’m so embarrassed I can’t even pay school trips I have to use the voluntary contribution excuse

It's not an excuse and it's nothing to be embarrassed about - all schools have these funds and it's exactly for situations like this that they should be used. You sound like a wonderful mum, wish I had more advice except keep you chin up as your obviously doing a brilliant job

Holly thank you that just bought a tear to my eye 😊 it’s not often people say that to single parents. Xx