To ask for some advice about my anxious child?

[GoodAfternoonSeattle]

She’s three and a half. She’s quite timid and nervous over some things, but not about others.

She hates loud noises. Terrified of them. The hoover. Hand dryers. Alarms. She gets very nervous and asks to leave the place we are.

She won’t go to sleep alone. DH or I have to lie next to her until she sleeps. Which is not a problem if she decides she’s going to sleep at half seven after her story but once or twice a week she will not go to sleep and will carry on till 9-10pm (but won’t let you leave). This is a disaster as we can’t get anything done.

She has recently become extremely clingy and needy with me. She will not play alone for a minute she needs me doing everything with her. Again this is fine to an extent but I have a (very) mobile baby who doesn’t get enough attention as it is. Sometimes I need her to amuse herself. But I feel so mean saying no to her.

For background she is in nursery three days per week and loves it. No issues there.

I have a suspicion that the sudden clinginess is linked to the baby becoming mobile (she is rather camacaze with it so needs to be watched at all times). The baby is too young to really play with DD1 (although they are fond of each other) and watching both of them by myself is very hard just now. I’m not really sure what to do for the best. We go out for walks a lot...

Also whenever I give her the mildest of telling offs she will get very upset and say “don’t be angry with me”. I mean I have never so much as raised my voice to her!

From what you've said, I don't actually think she sounds that anxious, not abnormally so anyway, especially given that there is a newish baby on the scene.
Lots of small children don't like handdryers etc. Lots want someone there while they go to sleep. I'm sure it's a bit annoying but I hardly think her not sleeping till 9-10 is a 'disaster'!
Sounds to me like you just need to carry on giving lots of love and reassurance.

It’s a disaster because I have to work a lot in the evenings and if I’m not working I have housework to do.

It’s hard keeping all the plates spinning

I have one exactly like this. So so frustrating. My older one has such a different temperament. I feel like I barely get a break from him and it’s suffocating, he prefers me to DH too so I don’t even get a break when we’re both at home. No advice but I sympathize!

“The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron might be helpful. Some people just experience things (like volume, tone, brightness) differently. It can be a strength if handled right.

Thank you.

It’s other things like she now refuses to feed herself if I’m there (she’s more than capable she just refuses) and wants to be carried everywhere.

If she refuses to feed herself then she can go hungry. It sounds like perhaps she has got a bit too used to being overly pandered too

t’s other things like she now refuses to feed herself if I’m there (she’s more than capable she just refuses) and wants to be carried everywhere.

Mine went through this phase when the new baby arrived. Did she feed herself before and now is regressing? What worked for my dd was to talk to her when she was refusing and say things playfully like “but I thought you were a big girl are you pretending to be a baby. That’s too bad becausr babies don’t get to go to swimming because they are too little. Big girls like you get to do fun things like bikes. Babies also don’t get to eat dessert because they’re too little”. Again, very very playful tone , don’t make it seem like if she doesn’t eat she can’t do a fun thing, but it’s more reminding her of all the fun things she can do now that she is a “big girl”. Also, make her the special baby helper. Maybe get a badge for her but she can help hand you nappies, help you sing to the baby, etc. Praise her for being such w big helper. I don’t think the clingy ness is abnormal but it does sound like classic attention regression.

It’s really difficult and it’s easy to forget how exhausting it can be when you reach the point where you feel as if you are trying to anticipate the next thing that might upset your child.

I had this with my son as he developed huge anxiety alongside his ASD and sensory issues.
The only thing that helped - and I’m not sure it will help you but it helped us - was trying not to deny his anxiety but not agreeing with it, if you see what I mean.

To give an example if something upset him in the way the hand drier upset your daughter I wouldn’t comfort him or whizz him away but I would acknowledge his fright. The advice I had had was that if we relentlessly comfort then it reinforces his fear - picking him up and saying ‘there there’ confirmed to him that the thing was scary
We just started acknowledging his fear but not agreeing with it. I would say ‘that frightened you. That noise frightened you but it’s just a big noise. Let’s go and do ... now’
It wasn’t swift but it gradually worked . As he got older we were able to talk to him about things that helped and that, combined with our endlessly reassurance that he was fine and he could cope, worked.

We also tried to make sure that he had exposure to the things that frightened him when they were not frightening. So an unplugged hair dryer lying around, then showing it to him and talking about how he worked and then me blowing my hair around while he was on the bed watching and knowing I was going to switch it on.

Praising every sign of coping with anything helped too. Praise for small achievements and reinforcing to him that I was proud of him for each small step to make getting bigger and more ‘grown up’ helped too.

I think it’s really easy to get sucked in and let everything be about the anxiety and then, for our children, it can become both a comfort blanket and a means of focussing our love and attention on them. Refocusing the positive attention to signs of resilience helped

Re the bedtime perhaps it is time to get tougher? She's a big girl etc. You could do gradual retreat, so one week of sitting by her bed for 10 mins quietly, one week of sitting by the door, one week of sitting just outside until it becomes the norm and she learns she is able to fall asleep on her own?

Sometimes the phrase 'don't make a rod for your own back' is very apt.

Don't start feeding her or carrying her, not once. If she refuses to feed herself she'll be hungry until her next meal - she's old enough to understand that. Sadly, big girls that won't walk nicely also have to wear baby reins (worked on mine anyway).

The hand dryer thing and wanting your attention is completely normal imo, especially considering you have the baby.

I think you’re probably right but I feel mean