AIBU to beg for help with toddler tantrums

[readysetcake]

I posted similar the other day but didn’t get many responses. I’m desperate and can feel myself descending into a PND state.

DD is 2.8 DS is 2 weeks. DD has turned into a nightmare. Her tantrums are off the scale. Every single thing is met with a no. She has truly epic melt downs and is very aggressive (with everyone- she hit her key worker at nursery today) and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I know she’s upset with the change in dynamic and I know im doing it all wrong. I’m not being consistent, I end up shouting as I’m so frustrated and tired. 4 hours sleep a day is not conducive with calm parenting.

I know we aren’t even three weeks in yet, but it honestly feels like a life time. I’m struggling with guilt over giving up breastfeeding (again) as it hurts so much and I just can’t cope with the pain, exhaustion and my toddler. I’m feeling like a very shitty mother right now and know my children deserve much better. Yet they are lumbered with me. So what do I do with DD. Point blank ignore the tantrums? try and engage with her? Do time outs? I worry I am setting her up for psychological damage or she’s on track to grow up to be a horrible person and it’s all my fault.

First of all stop giving yourself such a hard time. Your dd is likely just struggling to adjust which is no reflection in you, it's a reflection on the fact that she's two and her wee world is changed.

My DS did exactly the same thing and also came down with a bout of tonsillitis when baby was two weeks old. Had epic melt downs including banging his face off the floor, screaming at night and refused to let any other adult help him......at all. It was exhausting.

I remember one night standing at the kitchen sink with baby screaming for a feed and my DS screaming for whatever reason he felt warranted it and feeling like I could cry. I just decided that wouldn't help and started singing always look on the bright side of life. Singing turned into dancing, DS laughing and us all feeling a little bit happier. I know it sounds really daft but it honestly helped to stop me descending into "I can't cope"

It was a really tough couple of weeks but in reality that's all it was. I wouldn't time out the tantrums just now, even if you normally would. She just needs time to adjust. I would distract her out of them. When she kicks off say nothing, take out a toy/jigsaw etc and just start doing it yourself. Ignore he tantrum and wait for her to come to you.

It honestly will get better

Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried to inject a bit of humour into things but she has none of it. It seems to send her into more of a frenzy! I know it will pass and I’ll look back on it as a blink of an eye. I just need to get better at staying calm. So hard when she’s screaming and hitting me

Hey I feel for you I really do. My ds1 is 2.2 and ds2 is now 6 months and I think we're just about coming out of it now. The first 4 weeks after ds2 arrived were just hideous, tantrum after tantrum, hiting, biting, not going to bed, screaming for me in the night.

It felt like it would never end and I had ruined his little life by having another baby but I have to say he's come around now, he kisses and hugs him, shares toys and laughs when he laughs.

It's honestly just a phase, she needs to adjust and you haven't done anything wrong.

I agree with @User467 try to ignore the tantrums and just get on with things, sing a song to your baby or get out one of Dds toys and play with that, she will soon get fed up and want to come and join in.

Hang in there mama, it gets better I promise!xxxx

I could have written your post a few years back. Start with stop being hard on yourself 're BF - not all of us can and your baby will be just fine on formula. Try to drop your standards and go easy on yourself. Let her watch tv and eat chicken nuggets for a few weeks. And if going easy on yourself doesn't help then go see your GP for some support. Sending love x

You are not a shit mother. Toddler and baby is HARD!!!!

My advice is to ignore the tantrums as much as possible. Obviously if it’s safe to do so. I got to the stage with my DD where I’d have to put her in her room and shut the door. She’d go ballistic but after a couple of times her behaviour improved dramatically. Felt awful doing it mind you. But she needed to know that her behaviour was unacceptable and wouldn’t be entertained. I’m not sure I’d have had the energy for such a battle with a newborn too though. But giving her attention doesn’t help when she’s tantrumming.

My other tactic for slightly lesser tantrums was to act completely non plussed by the tantrum and continue with a faux fresh and breezy tone to my voice. Carry on with whatever I was doing. Hard to do also but less stressful for all involved and she would eventually give up. Easy breezy tone of voice always helped and just chat away like nothing crazy is happening.

One tip to help her calm down is to get her to blow the angry away. I do long slow breaths out and she copies. Slows the breathing down and makes her feel like she’s a little bit in control of her feelings.

Good luck OP tantrums are fucking awful.

Similar situation here too

Ignore and distract?
We had an occupational therapist come to see us for unrelated reasons who suggested we implement however nursery discipline children so it’s consistent. They use the super nanny time out technique and it’s made a real difference.

Not that I should be giving advice on this but try to stay calm. Us getting angry seems to prolong the tantrum. But easier said then done when sleep deprived and at the end of your tether.

We have also drastically reduced screen time. Possibly a bit easier here as DD is older at 3.5 and can entertain herself more.

My dd2 nearly 3 has epic tantrums, if I try to intervene she gets worse. The sound of my voice, any attempt to touch her or even eye contact means she'll scream until she's sick or hit me, which like you frustrates me.

I now get down to her level tell her why she can't do/have whatever, then just stop and wait, in silence. I just smile at the eye rollers and tutters and speak to anyone who asks or tries to help.

She calms down quicker by herself without being sick or hitting out. After I crouch down again and ask if she's OK and tell her that there is no need for that and she won't get her own way by screaming and we go about our business.

It's so so hard :( their tantrums are insane for ones so small!

The thing I found worked best with mine (though every child is different, so who knows what will work with my next one!) was to ask her if her anger/ crossness was too big right now? I'd just say "is your crossness feeling really big? Shall we hug it away?" (Which I know sounds really lame!) and then I'd just hug her tightly. Whether she wanted it or not...! Just held her until she calmed down. Tended to work quicker than anything else, it kept me calm, and I hope it made her feel a bit listened to (because I couldn't cope with the feeling of walking away when she was so angry - though sometimes that was probably what was needed. She just looked so small when I left her my heart would break! In spite of my frustration!).

It is so tough though. Go easy on yourself. You're doing a lot right now!

Firstly - you are doing great. I promise. And it will get better. As PP said - lower your expectations. Try to get out every day even if just into the garden to wear out the toddler. Some tips for tantrums...

1. Ignore where possible. Say loudly "I can only speak to children who don't scream" and then walk away/around.
2. Give two choices eg. Red top or green top
3. Acknowledge the problem "oh I know, you want to watch TV" . This is from the book "how to talk on so your kids will listen and listen so they'll talk". It genuinely works.

Thank you so much for all your tips. It’s reassuring to know that my
Child isn't the only one to throw these sort of tantrums. It feels that way when all my friends have little angles in comparison.

I’ll try really hard with calmly explaining why she can’t have/do something and then ignoring (if safe) and follow up with hugs and explaining we don’t scream and shout etc. Thanks again all.

I too found the book How to talk so kids will listen extremely helpful, but it was with a six month old and a two year old by then. At two weeks I don't know if I would have found time or energy to read a parenting book!

Lots of useful tips above. I would only add that this is really NOT going to go on for long. She will adjust. And also get other people to hold the baby as much as possible so that you can spend time with her when you aren't holding the baby. When you put her to bed, however bad the day, give her a list of all the things you think are brilliant about her, I used to find this helpful to remind myself why I loved them when my toddler was giving me a hard time, and they love hearing it.

You’ll be grand OP. Give her tantrumming behaviour as little attention as possible. Show her that the tantrum does not affect the outcome.

Dd 1 was one of those little angels, I was not prepared for dd2!

It feels like forever but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now!

NewSense I love your approach. Hugging away the anger is so lovely. I found my dc was really angry and upset when dc2 arrived. We started to get into a downward spiral of him being naughty and me getting cross. It was horrible. But once I changed tactic and decided to ignore all naughty behaviour as far as possible and just praise the good (with lots of cuddles) it was fine again. I think he was just testing us to make sure we still loved him now he had a sibling.

I would set aside some time to spend just with DD. She is used to not sharing you, and now this interloper, this baby, has arrived and has all your attention. If visitors have been round visiting this too could just make her feel like she is not as important anymore. So whilst acknowledging her tantrum "I can see you're very angry, I can hear you shouting at me, I will come back and talk to you when you stop", I would then walk away and praise her when she is doing the right thing.

If baby's dad is on the scene, I would make a show of "Daddy, please take DS so I can spend some lovely time playing with DD" so she gets to know she still has important time with you.

FWIW there are 20mths between my DD and DS, so I can completely empathise. It's hard, but it does get easier as time goes on. And don't beat yourself up over breastfeeding, you tried your best, and I can guarantee when they are teenagers you/other mums/the world at large, won't give a stuff how you fed them!! (And I say that as a mum who breastfed so I'm not anti it at all).

Just to mention I had 4 weeks from hell when dd2 came along, so if its the same for you you're half way there!

There's a version of the book mentioned- how to talk so little kids will listen but key points include - reflecting and describing how theyre feeling - you're really frustrated cos you want me to play cars with you but I'm busy. That's disappointing... - can help diffuse when they feel listened to.

I found when the hitting became too much, scooping up the baby with a "you're being too rough we're going somewhere safe" had the same impact as timeout but reinforced the classic walking away if someone hurts you not retaliating.

Make a big thing of being pleased when baby sleeping that's it's big boy play time. Try to play before chores.

Figure out a stretchy sling if you haven't already- was my life saver.