To have pulled DS up on this?

[PartyRingsandPrincesses]

DS is 7 and has HFA/ASD.

After school we were at his friends house (I’m also friends with his friends mother).

The mother had put on some food for the DC - 3 altogether.

One of the food items was my DS favourite food - there were 10 small pieces to share and DS took 6 of the pieces leaving only 4 for the other two children to share .

I said to DS , you’ve taken nearly all the pieces and not left many for anyone else!

The mum said not to worry she will top up but I felt a bit

One of the other children wanted the last piece of something else but asked if any of the other children wanted it first .

My DS said yes and took the piece without even trying to negotiate or offering to the other child.

By the end I could see DS was getting more agitated (he finds people and sharing hard to cope with)

In the car on the way home he burst in to tears and said I’d embarrassed him.

I feel awful and I apologised and said I was trying to explain he shouldn’t take everything before others get a chance but next time I’ll tell him in private .

He was upset because he didn’t know .

I do find at parties etc he does take lots of different things and doesn’t always eat it all - I’m constantly reminding him to eat what’s on his plate first .

On the flip side , I do think he needs to be told , and I think he was so upset because he was just worn out and overwhelmed.

Does anyone else feel like this type of behaviour can be seen as grabby and selfish or is it just what DC do?

I know his ASD affects his understanding.

WIBU to have said something ?

I think you're right. If he understands enough to feel embarrassed, I can't believe he doesn't understand enough to stop doing it. Perhaps you did embarrass him, but he will think before taking 6/10 pieces off a sharing plate next time!

I think it’s one of those situations where you needed to say something to help guide him at the time.

Can you maybe find a social story or similar about sharing/taking turns and work through that? Maybe have some similar set ups with food at home so he can have it modelled and practice?

You did the right thing. Better mum embarrassed him at 7 than him embarrass himself as an adult or teenager and get called out on it by some nasty person.

I think with things like this you need to try to find a positive way to correct these things. Lots of children even without ASD do this and for your DS it's naturally going to be harder. However he seems aware enough to worry and be concerned about getting things wrong socially and his self esteem is probably fragile because of it. I can understand how having the flaws he's most sensitive about publicly pointed out (even though I'm sure you weren't mean about it) would be particularly hurtful for him.

I think when you notice this kind of thing it's best if you can to bring it up in advance and give him a really specific formula for how many he can take. Perhaps find a more positive way to remind him when he forgets. Maybe something like "you're a really kind boy so when we're out and there's food to share don't forget to count out your share and eat those first". etc.

I like the idea of doing a practice at home - I’ll suggest it to him

Is he a rule follower?
Could you give him a rule to divide any food by the number of people and not take more until everyone else has taken?

My son would struggle with such a situation. He would take the question as a literal one and he would fail to understand the social niceties attached to it. He still would.

he was upset because he didn't know
And now he does.

If he understands enough to feel embarrassed, I can't believe he doesn't understand enough to stop doing it.
Clearly, you know nothing about ASD. Worrying, given your profession.

I like the divide idea too - he likes to count and do sums so that would be right up his street

I feel terrible as he is so sad and I imagine he does have low self esteem.

We had a big sharing meal a few times a week, take aways where there were loads of different dishes to sample also helped with social graces.

as someone has said, better he is embarrassed now than later in life! if he has felt embarrassment about it then it definitely won't become a habit! The divide food by number of people rule is a good one. My dad has ASD and still doesn't care about/follow this rule though, no matter how often we tell him! and he won't pick up on the fact people are just being polite by not saying anything

It really doesn’t work like that, Lofty

I think this is very much related to he asd. My best friends son has autism and is similar. We ordered takeaway and due to my friends dietary requirements she had something separate, while me and her ds had a large one to share. She explained that it was big enough for both of us, and that there was plenty, but it was like he couldn't cope with the idea of sharing and was grabbing as much as he could and eating it as quickly as he could. I tried to reassure him that I only wanted a small amount anyway, but he nearly made himself sick by eating far more than he would have normally. He seemed very anxious, worried that he wouldn't have enough. I do think sharing food is very difficult for him. I wonder if your ds found it difficult in the same way.

He will probably respond to what is “fair”. I would agree that telling him to work out the maths of sharing before he grabs is best, so if there are 6 pizza slices and 3 children everyone should get 2 each

It absolutely is relayed to the ASD, but no matter, lets carry on applauding what sport it is to embarrass disabled children.

YANBU, HFA/ASD does not grant you immunity from discipline and lesson learning but it's about managing the situation as you see fit. It's a shame he was upset and embarrassed. Perhaps he needs some guidance before he starts to help himself to food rather than after. We'd all be embarrassed at having to put food back etc.

I agree with stormwhale btw, he was probably afraid he wouldnt get enough himself so grabbing out.

Ds always used to panic a bit over shared meals but he knows now either-
-take one of everything and go back for more if there’s anything left (buffet)
-divide everything up by the people if its a small group eating together

I would try and reframe this with a positive as a pp has said.

“You’re such a kind boy, shall we show our friends how kind you are by sharing the food out more equally?”

“You’re so good at sums- can you tell me how many pieces of cheese there are for each person to share it equally?”

“Do you remember when we were at the restaurant and we all shared the pizza between us- wasn’t that a fun day? let’s remember to share equally like that today”

Etc etc etc

Poor kid must feel so conflicted, and so down on himself- remember he’s 7. And his social skills are those of a child much younger. Model kindness and consideration in your dealing with him, and he’ll reflect it in his own behaviour.

Again, my main experience with autism is through my friend, so I am sorry if anything I am saying is incorrect, but I think it was also related to him feeling confused about the rules of the situation. Usually he would have his own smaller version of the food we had, so that is all for him. This was different, and although there was plenty, it was really difficult for him to grasp that one was for two people and the normal rules didn't apply. My gut feeling would be that in your situation, giving him clear rules about etiquette when sharing food would be helpful.

immortalmarble I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ok to embarrass him .

I said in my OP that I don’t think me saying something was actually the main problem - I think the whole situation just overwhelmed him .

Don’t worry op these are just the issues we have to navigate as they grow up. This was a learning experience for ds, if he was embarrassed then I think he will perhaps remember to share better next time food is laid out.
I don’t think you were unreasonable at all.

PartyRings, I think that unfortunately, your thread has not only attracted people who clearly know nothing about autism but moreover, people who are delighting relaying the old lines - we all know them and love them.

Here’s some news for you, everybody. You can’t punish the disability out of a person. You can’t embarrass it out of them. You may make them hate themselves a little bit more (oh what, you ask wide-eyed, they hate themselves? Yes, sometimes they do) but you won’t fundamentally change them.

And there is a certain delight in the fact that now a disabled child has been reduced to tears of shame and fear - “he won’t do that again, will he?” and frankly I am disappointed and feel like crying myself.

Some of us deal with this stuff in real life as well and the target of the sneering is a much loved child.

I will ask some of you this. Would you smirk and say ‘well he won’t do that again’ if a child who was visually impaired was trying to get something they could not see?

I feel terrible as he is so sad and I imagine he does have low self esteem.

I hope my comment didn't give the impression it was your fault at all. You sound wonderfully supportive, it will be really helpful for DS to have you guiding him socially. I guess the difficult thing is to make the guiding not come across as criticism.

My DC doesn't have ASD (at least not diagnosed but does have some traits). He responds really well when we have one or two things we're working on at any time (e.g. one of them was giving other people a chance to talk too). Every time he remembers he gets a sticker on his chart. If he forgets I just say "hey remember we're working on XYZ at the moment" and he doesn't mind that too much. Once he's in the habit of remembering we say he's completed the level and he gets a special treat.

stormwhale I agree and think you’ve got the situation spot on .

I do remind him at parties to just take bits and eat what’s on his plate first but he forgets .

Oh bless him. He sounds very sweet. It must be really hard for him when he doesn’t understand all the rules. Role playing does sound like a really good idea.