AIBU to think it might not be just a 'phase'

[Funkyslippers]

My 2 DDs (14 and 9) simply cannot get along. They are lovely girls when apart but rub each other up the wrong way. DD1 is v emotional and shouts and screams if DD2 winds her up or worse, which she does frequently. DD2 doesn't seem to understand the effect her behaviour towards DD1 has and enjoys the (negative) attention from her. Today DD1 came back from camp and within 2 mins they were shouting at each other and now they're not talking, because DD2 rearranged a few things in DD1's bedroom as a joke but DD1 did not see the funny side as she had to put it all back. I spoke to DD2 about not touching DD1's things but she didn't seem to care.

OH seems to think this is normal behaviour between siblings of these ages but I don't think all siblings are like this. Any advice gratefully received.

My DSis & I have a similar age gap (I'm older) & if she'd gone into my room at that age, let alone touched my things, I'd have been livid. In those days I more or less ignored her.

We didn't really start getting on until I left for university. Nowadays, though, we're really close, text a lot & like going to stay with each other. I don't think our DM thought that would ever happen!

So don't give up hope...

At the ages they are, the age gap is probably the most significant it will ever be. 9 is still a little kid at Primary school, but too big to be a cute little pet sibling. 14 is gearing up for young adulthood and GCSEs, but not old enough to make allowances for the annoying younger sibling!

I love my brother to bits and he's one of my favourite people in the whole world. But at that age (we have the same age gap) we bickered a lot. I thought he was spoiled and got away with too much (in hindsight, not true, but it felt true at the time!). He thought i was bossy and mean to him (I'll cop to this one, i probably was). It was just a function of us being in very different life-stages. We're now very close and love spending time together. Don't give up hope!

Maybe it would help if DD1 saw that DD2 was getting consequences for rearranging her things?

It isn't normal, and you know its DD2 thats stirring things up. You need to ban her from going into DD1's bedroom, touching her things or aggravating her, with severe consequences.

I had two separate friends, both with sisters (one older, other friend younger) they screamed/ pinch d/ cri d/ squealed/ beat the shit out of each other between the ages of 8 and 16. Now all in their 30’s they are the best of friends. It is a phase. Just a fucking long one

You and OH are both right - not all siblings are like this, but it’s normal in the sense that some are.

DD2 was in the wrong in the example you give. If DD2 is deliberately winding her sister up, you might need to come down on her bit harder.

Sounds like my sister and me. We're 33 and 29 now and just don't really get along. Nothing in common and find each other annoying. Sad but not really much that can be done about it.

Thanks for your replies. It's actually been going on for about 4 years. DD2 will purposely wind DD1 up no matter what the consequences are. DD1 however seems to enjoy telling DD2 off, often on issues where I'm already disciplining her and therefore no further input is needed. DD2 is copying DD1 because she shouts and screams so as you can imagine our house is quite noisy and I get very stressed about it all.

Same gap between my dsis and I. When we were younger we couldn't breathe the same air. Ever! We murdered each other, played tricks, told lies to get the other into trouble. We physically scrapped so many times to the point where my parents couldn't leave us home alone. This went on until I was about 17 (I'm the older sister)
Then one day we grew the fuck jo and realised how much we needed each other, how much we loved each other and how good we were as a team. Inseparable and indestructible ever since. Have faith!

My dds have similar age gap, they are 20 and 6. The never EVER get on. To the extent I have to split them up constantly. Drives me to distraction and can’t be nice for them either. I’m at my wits end tbh.

My ds1(13) and ds3 (8) hate each other so much eldest lives with my mother most of the week. It’s a hideous situation but the battleground our home becomes when they are together means I understand the eldest staying at Nanna’s.

I’m desperately hoping it calms down as they get older. Ds2 (9) gets on with everyone bless him!

10 not 20

Me and my sister have the same age gap and we were horrendous to each other until I was about 18 (I’m the older one) and now we are really close, we speak every day and she was my maid of honour. (Now 21 and 26)

How would you feel about DD1 having a lock for her bedroom door?

I do think it's worth sorting out. I think DD2 really should be never ever allowed in DD1s bedroom. It's an invasion of privacy and it means DD2 can wind up DD1 as much as she likes and DD1's meant yo just put up with it. My DB was younger and used to wind me up no end as a kid and there were never any consequences. My parents always just said we had to "learn to get along" (which basically meant I had to put up with him winding me up for literally hours on end). It did affect our relationship for a long time to be honest.

My sister is 6 years older. We can't stand each other, She has always tried to parent me. We haven't spoken since 1999.

My best friend had a sister 5 years younger than her, but it was worse as they had to share a room! They had tape down the middle of the room that each sister was not allowed to cross!

One sister drew all over the other sisters face whilst she was asleep in marker pen . The other sister cut massive chunks out of her sisters hair when she was asleep !

They are now all grown up and have been the best of friends since the younger sister was 16.

Tinty

OK, we were never that bad - but we only had to share a room together on holidays, thank fuck, & that was fraught enough! If we hadn't been able to shut my bedroom doors on each other most of the time, I think things would have been far worse.

But then when she came to stay last month & shared my room, we talked for hours in the dark, and it was lovely.

Completely normal. Me and my brother were the same. Now we are great friends. I like his wife more than him though 😁

Sounds normal.

My sister and I have the same age gap, she quite literally loathed me as I was the cute blonde younger sister who seemed to get all the attention. Equally I did wind her up and break a few of her things. She used to come up to me at random times and slap me.

Now in our 20’s we have the strongest bond imaginable and she’s my sons second mum. I couldn’t live without her. It will pass

Same with our two younger brothers. They sound like an exorcism is taking place when they’re fighting, but when the younger one had a meltdown at a helicopter flying overhead one day the older one sat rocking and stroking him until he calmed down. They do love each other you’d just never know it!

My elder sister and I are close in age (less than 2 years) and were fairly close growing up but we argued and fought loads. What helped that was her moving out at 17. We're v close now as adults.

There are 8 years between me and my younger sister. As a teen I hated her with a passion because she used to constantly steal my things and I felt like I couldn't have anything, be it clothes, bath stuff or money. I bought a safe just so I could lock it all away! It only improved when I moved out at 24 but even now, we don't really get on. I haven't seen her for months despite living less than 5 miles apart.

It will improve op but possibly not until one leaves home!

I have two kids of approximately the same age and they get along well.
Some things you can try:

• having them do nice things for each other. For example, I ask my kids do buy birthday gifts for each other; even if it’s cheap plastic stuff they enjoyed it.
• having them do some restitution if they bother each other. In your case dd2 wronged her sister, so she should rearrange the stuff she moved under dd1’s supervision.
• keeping things fair, but not equal. My oldest has more privileges, but also more responsibilities.

Intervene. Younger one is pressing buttons. Older one isn't coping & trying to enforce discipline.

Had this dynamic, still struggle with sister now...

Do you come down hard enough on DD2?

When I was a teen my younger sister and I had a difficult relationship. She wasn't quite as bad, but my mother always made excuses for her and sometimes would refuse to punish her at all.

As such I felt very angry and would often try to push some kind of remorse from my younger sister, but she would deny all wrongdoing and my mother would back her up.

I'm not saying you're deliberately pretending DD2 isn't an issue, but if DD1 feels that her younger sister doesn't face any real consequences, her reactions might be her way of taking things into her own hands? Especially as you mentioned she often does it after you've told DD2 off.