..to ask for your tips on how to love someone with avoidant attachment?

[namechangecharlie]

Just that really. I know many people's advice would be to leave, run, find someone with secure attachment. But I love someone with avoidant attachment (have done for many years and it's something I've accepted) and I'd love your tips on effective communication/argument settling/what to do when they retreat/success stories. I don't have children with him and I'm interested to know how those with avoidant attachment are with their children too, since it's something I may be seeing in the future. I am very aware that attachment style is very hard to change and I don't want to change him! Would just love some general tips or chit chat about how life is with your avoidant partner/friend/ex/whatever.

I don't think much context is needed but I work in child pastoral care so attachment style is something I am really interested in, I'm always open to learn more about how to deal with each style, especially in relationships. I'd identify myself as secure with hints of anxious.

Thanks in advance! x

You can't really do anything other than avoid being too demanding or pushy, this doesn't mean but bring clear about your wants and needs in the relationship, but if he recognises his attachment style and how it impacts you, he can choose to consciously make an effort to lessen the impact to you. I worked for a long time with victims and perpetrators of DV in psychotherapeutic and CBT type work, we used to do a lot assertive attachment. Do you recognise your own style?

*not being clear

Also I'm assuming you're sure he's avoidant and not dismissive or preoccupied. Some of the behaviours overlap.

Thanks @FASH84. I'd identify myself as secure if I had to, but I definitely acknowledge elements of an anxious insecure attachment in me. I know I'm not avoidant in the slightest but I can see my DP is massively, possibly on the fearful (is that preoccupied?) avoidant side. As in, he's scared to lose me and will openly say that when push comes to shove, but his first instinct when it comes to opening up, conflict, hardship, emotions is to shut down and zip up! Often pulls away and leaves me hanging, thinks crying is weakness, I think that is his parents doing.

Any tips on how better to make him feel comfortable to open up more or just make his feelings better known to me/to himself?

Open communication is always key, anxious and avoidant can be a difficult combo even if you are mainly secure, as every time he pushes away, you will wonder what you've done. You will seek to reconnect which may make him push away more, leaving you feeling worse. Does he have a fairly negative self image? Ie things don't work out for me because I don't really deserve it type thinking?

This is a really simple chart that we used to use with examples, when working with young people, fearful is also known as avoidant

. So if he feels negatively about himself in a relationship and negatively about you in the relationship (not necessarily simultaneously) he is fearful avoidant, of he feels positively about you (I don't deserve you etc) and negatively about himself is preoccupied (this includes the anxious style you described), he will also likely over analyse the relationship, dwell on things etc. If you have a row and his attitude is it must be me, he's preoccupied, if it's it must be her, it's dismissive, of it rails back and forth between blaming him and you or he just tries to avoid all discussion or conflict it's avoidant. Secure would be 'all relationships have problems, neither of us is perfect but I believe we can talk and work on this together'

@FASH84 thank you. I can recognise my anxiousness coming into play sometimes but I've worked really hard on allowing him his space and keeping my negative emotions in check when I feel worried/what have I done type thoughts.

I think his self image is pretty average, he's made comments in the past that are negative about himself, but in general he's okay. One that stood out for me though was "I should just die" when he failed a training module. Nothing of the sort since then though. If he did have negative self image and but he'd internalised it and doesn't speak about it to me, what does that mean?

One of the example we used was you get a text from partner, just says, we need to talk. Nothing more nothing less, analyse how you'd respond to that (or how he would/or wouldn't at all) and that will help you to be clear about styles.

Oh wow, that chart is really useful, thank you for that

Based on that comment alone, it's hard to assess.

Well since reading the chart and the comment you posted with it, I'd definitely say he's preoccupied, not dismissive. But something that confuses me is he's said a few times "you're better looking than me" "people like you more" but he's really reluctant to give compliments.. so it's like I know he does think I'm attractive (or more so than he thinks he is himself), but doesn't like to tell me that directly? Is that down to the 'fear of losing me' thing? Sorry for all the questions you just sound really clued up about it.

That fits preoccupied to a T. The kind of thinking arround you say leaving or cheating (just an example) would be why wouldn't she, she's better looking than me, I don't have much going for myself, I couldn't even pass that training module etc.. This type of partner can be quite needy, and need a lot of reassurance that you want to be with them etc and in some cases can lead to isolation, you might think oh he wants to attend all his time with me because he lives me so much, or I won't go out with friends because I know he likes it when we're together, but he'd never tell you not to go. You can end up pandering to this type, which it sounds a bit like you're doing by trying to work out what YOU can do to accommodate his style. Just make sure you don't lose yourself and your needs in what's best for him, he may also put you on a bit of a pedestal etc.

Sorry for typos, predictive text!

Everything you're saying is so insightful, thank you! What confuses me is where the avoidant part comes into play? Like the refusing to talk about emotions, shutting down or trying to ignore when I bring up something about 'us' etc, and when I do finally get to the bottom of why he pulled away he'll say something like he's scared about things not working out. I'm not complaining as I love him loads and I'm quite used to this behaviour and I know it was my choice to be with someone who does these things. Just wondering why it occurs alongside that preoccupied attachment style!