Whose being unreasonable is or his ex?

[crazyexornot]

I've been with my DP for a year and have a new born baby (happened very quick and out he blue certainly not planned). My DP has 3 other children with his Ex who he sees twice a week.

We have had several problems with the ex, telling his children lies so they don't want to see him, threading myself and at the time my unborn child, being violent towards my ex in front of the children.

His ex has just taken the 3 children on holiday to Turkey all inclusive- didn't tell DP when they were going/when they were coming back yet asked him for extra money for the girls so they could spend it on their holiday- my partner refused as he only had £100 left in his account for he next week to cover car insurance and phone bill and things. ( he had just given her the money he gives her every month early so she had more for he holiday)

Before they went we booked a holiday ourselves, we only needed to book flights as we are staying in a family house abroad. I paid for the flights as we are going to see my parents. He is going for a week and I'm going for longer. We didn't tell his ex as well why should we tell her everything we are doing? He is seeing his DC the day before he goes and will be seeing them the day he gets back and having them over night. So he is only missing one visit during the week when he collects them from School and has them for 2 hours.

We were going to tell his ex when she got back from holiday ( yesterday apparently) however somehow she has found out and has sent an abusive message this morning regarding the holiday saying we are disgusting and my DP doesn't deserve to be a dad.

We are planning on taking the girls away during the summer holidays we are waiting for his rota so we can sort something.

So are we being unreasonable going on holiday?

I don't think YABU to go on holiday but given it necessitated a change of arrangements re contact you should have checked with her in advance. You're just assuming she's free to look after the DC then while you're not around and that's not very fair.

You don't have to tell her every little thing you do, but you do have to tell her when you have plans which will directly affect her - and you have to tell her before you make those plans in order to ensure that she can accommodate the favour you are asking of her.

@MyOtherUsernameisaPun

I understand that, however his ex doesn't work and collects her other child from school the day my DP collects his DC. And doesn't it work the other way round as well? My partner had booked time off in the school holidays last week so he could spend time with his children yet to find out a couple of days before that they were going on holiday and he knew nothing about it. One of his DC let it slip that she was excited to go to Turkey. The ex the reluctantly said they were going but didn't say when they were going or coming back

You can't just assume that because she doesn't work she's available all the time to pick up the slack when your DP isn't available. You have to respect her time and actually check her availability instead of assuming you can impose on it any time you like.

I agree that she should be telling your DP in advance that she's going on holiday (although it is slightly different because while she is changing contact arrangements she's not expecting your DP to have the kids when she normally has them). But two wrongs don't make a right - your DP is only responsible for his own behaviour and it's up to him to make sure he is behaving as he should.

His ex sounds like a total pain and I'm sympathetic that you have to deal with someone who seems difficult and unpleasant. But even though she is both of those things, I think your DP still has a responsibility to his kids to do the right thing, and the right thing was telling her before you made your plans.

Yes his ex is an arse

I totally understand wanting to tit for tat, are his parents around to pick up the dc? He needs to try and be the grown up