to install parental locks &keyloggers?

[piterdevries]

Hello all, never thought I'd be making such a thread.

My eldest DS is 18, just readying himself for his first job and is pulling himself together after a difficult time at school.

Recently, I have seen a sea change in his attitude. Very little things at first. I disregarded it until I logged onto the family computer and saw the internet history. Site like 4chan and reddit, which I don't like but can tolerate, but the subreddits visited were troubling. Even worse, I kept sleuthing and saw he has repeatedly visited a site called incels.me. this site is full of bitter men, blaming everything on women and men they call 'chads' who are supposed to be good looking guys who get lots of sex.

Its only a site and I understand that everyone needs somewhere to vent but its soooo toxic, loads of talk on all. The surgery's they need to get women and how they are 2/10s etc.

Now my DS has some of that in his head. He has described himself a couple of times as a supreme gentleman, which is a term used on there. He has also said me and DH have given him bad genes (?) Which has resulted in him having a 'retruded maxilla'

I know strictly he is an adult, can look at what he wants but I am concerned that these ideas will reinforce themselves in him if he keeps viewing such sites and I want to nip it in the bud. He is at a critical age and these attitudes could dog his adulthood if he takes them to heart.

I am literally in front of the computer now researching blockers

TBH in this situation I would block whatever I could; those subreddits are little hives of would-be rapists and creepy guys who believe they are entitled to women's attention.

Could you also get your husband to have a frank discussion with him about misogyny, acceptable attitudes etc. -- and maybe consider whether he needs therapy of some kind? (The reason I say get your husband to talk to him is because I assume from his online activities that he doesn't respect women and so wouldn't listen or care if it came from you, but perhaps coming from another man it might sink in...)

This is horrible, truly. So sorry for you OP.

On second thoughts, I might rethink the blockers if he knows you've blocked stuff I think his resentment and extremist views would only worsen. But I do think keyloggers would be useful, and other ways to at least keep track of what he's reading and maybe more importantly -- what he's putting out there online.

Incels are terrifying. Look up the recent shooting in Toronto. Block it all and get him some help.

Parental control on a 18 yo? It won’t work.
My 13 yo would know how to get around them if he wanted. And your computer is not the only one in the world. I assume he has a phone, goes to friends’ houses, has (or can get) a job and buy a cheap tablet and how do you control that?
I would just talk to him and tell him I’m worried and what’s going on around the world with “incels” doing all kinds of horrible stuff to pleople. I would share my own experience as feeling inadequate (or whatever experience you had as a teenager), or talk about people I know who had a hard time as teens but made it through it and are now happy.

You can't use parental

You can't use parental locks on an 18 year old.

You need to inform his father and any adult males you know, who he respects, what he's looking at and encourage them to talk to him about why the ideas those groups follow are stupid and damaging.

Also talk to him yourself if you think he will listen.

Like others, I'm not sure a parental lock or keylogger at this age is going to help. I might consider having 'internet issues' for a bit but even that would depend on a lot of factors and not sure. Just cutting things off is only going to a small part of dealing with this.

I agree with getting any positive men in his life to talk and spend time with him. I think with the issues your describing - difficulties in school - I would focus on what he wants to add to his life. Those groups pull in the lonely and struggling, he may need help in building a better support network and other things to be doing with his time than blaming others for things not being as he wished.

I would question what he means by supreme gentleman and point out where he does and does not fit this image of himself, and what he might need to do if he really wanted to be a gentleman. I typically wouldn't recommend Jordon Peterson because he does talk a lot of shite and he does have a rather rabid fandom, but he does appeal to struggling young men and his videos aimed at them particularly on how he cleaned up his issues in his twenties might be helpful here in discussing his own responsibility in getting what he wants in life.

On a less serious note, though I would seriously say this, if any child of mine at that age went on about the bad genes I passed on like that, I'd probably be sarky and point out that while my genes may be shite, not even going to argue with that, but they have enabled people in our family to make families for thousands of years and if a bunch of ugly rednecks with little to their names (a good portion of my genes), more than a few of who died in really stupid accidents likely involving drink, could figure out how to attract partners and friends, a smart kid like them should be able to with enough effort and practice. Child is literally the result of millions of years of people getting together, a small part of his face is not really the main part of the problem.

I think it's fair that you are worried because 'incel culture' is horrific.

I don't think key loggers and parental locks are going to work. All you will be doing is stopping him from accessing those sites on devices you have control over. You won't be changing his mind or challenging his ideas. And you may breed resentment, which is ambrosia to self-professed incels.

You need to address this by talking to him. You have to get through to him that he isn't owed sex or affection or relationships regardless of how much of a gentleman he is and, equally as importantly, that he isn't a worthless or hopeless person because he doesn't have the looks he wants to have.

Lots of the men on these boards are desperately lonely and self-loathing and insecure and they respond to this by lashing out and projecting hatred onto others who they perceive as more successful. He needs help to find a healthy path out of these feelings.

There are lots of online resources that will help you address this issue with him. I wish you luck - it's such an important thing to overcome.

I think you or your DH are better off raising the issue with him somehow, though I know that's easier said that done. If you go deeper with the snooping you'll have to let him know sooner or later, then it seriously damages the trust between you and your DS and he makes the issue your snooping not web browsing.

Web filtering accomplishes little, he's an adult, he has or can get his own phone with his own mobile data. I think the only use for filtering is to basically say he's not accessing those websites on your internet. With "incels" only having been prominent recently I'm not sure web filters would block the sites very well anyway.

Definitely think long and hard before going down the keylogger route, that's extremely intrusive. Do you want to snoop into his private emails and other conversations? Impersonate him in those conversations? Close or otherwise trash his accounts? Those are the kind of things you'd use a keylogger to do. Do you want to end up with your son accusing you if actually someone else does any of that?