Practice advice on how to end marraige/have ‘that’ conversation

[4getmenots]

First time poster.

We have been married for four years, we have two DCs together - both under pre-school age.

• He is emotionally abusive
• He refuses to work
• He is not interested in our DCs wellbeing, education, entertainment
• He is not interested in my feelings, wellbeing, entertainment
• He does not help out with childcare & house work
• He goes clubbing/drinking every single weekend.
• He makes me feel insecure/have low self asteem
• He does not make any effort towards our marriage

The list goes on but you get my drift...

I am tired of living like this. I want to be happy.

He is away on holiday and will be returning home on Sunday. We had a row over the weekend and he has been giving me the silent treatment (currently on day 4, longest he’s gone is 6weeks).

I guess what I’m really struggling with is building the courage to have that conversation with him, avoiding him trying to beg/talk me out of it. Where do I start? What do I say?

FWIW we currently live in a council property. tenancy is in my name.

TIA

Oh god, that sounds awful.

I would say work out financials and practicalities of you splitting up first and speak to the Council about getting him out.

Then speak to him calmly and precisely and present it as a fait accompli. You've already made up your mind.

You are doing the right thing, he sounds horrific.

I would be firm when you do it and don’t give any excuses he will likely just argue against them.
also refuse counselling no matter how much he asks. (he’s abusive so it’s not appropriate) Ignore the threats around 50/50 custody, breaking up the family and “ruining the kids lives”
Keep a record of dates/times of abuse, phone the police and press charges if he gets angry/shouting things look like they may get out of hand.

More people will have better advice I’d consider moving this to relationships.

He sounds horrific, OP. It's abuse. I'd change the locks before he got back and then call him and tell him you're ending the marriage and not to bother coming back to the house. Take advantage of the fact that you're being given the silent treatment and, if he doesn't answer the phone, leave a voice message or send a text. Tell him enough is enough.

Change the locks first, though.

Oh FFS 'change the locks' is stupid, dangerous advice. It's going to antagonise this prick immediately and, if OP hasn't got everything sorted in terms of the legal position, he might force his way in and do a lot of damage before he can be evicted.

I agree you need to be rid of him, OP but, as the more sensible PP said: get everything sorted as much as possible in terms of finance, bank accounts and the tenancy, then tell him the marriage is over and he needs to leave. If there is any history of him becoming aggressive, smashing things, hitting or shoving you etc, it might be worth having a friend or relative there for when you have the conversation - or have a word with the local police DV unit to inform them that you are splitting up with an abusive partner and may need their assistance (sometimes men like this will leave quietly when asked, then go and get drunk and come back to demand entrance or cause a disturbance).