To think I will never move on...

[mummyyessy]

After 13 years together (2 of them married) and a 1 year old son (Now 5), my ex and I split up. I instigated it; I was deeply deeply unhappy in the relationship after DS was born. My ex (still not divorced 4 years after splitting) was terribly selfish and unhelpful after Ds birth - it was clear that he had no intention of changing his lifestyle meanwhile mine was up-ended. I also suffered badly from sleep deprivation. I don't think I had PND but I do think I lost the plot a bit, and he did nothing to help me.

After several months, it all went wrong, we reached what I felt was an impasse and I asked him to move out. Eventually he did (only after I almost did first). He refused counselling.

A year after we split I met someone else, and found happiness (not love) when I really needed it. My ex at this point agreed to counselling. I went but my heat wasn't in it. We stopped going. I resumed relationship with the new guy but ended it after 18 months which was the right decision. I've been single since & have no plans to date. Mainly due to the fact that I don't want my son to see lots of dates, but also I just don't ever feel I can love to the depths that I did with ex again. Everything else seems shallow.

My ex has had relationships since. Thankfully I'm not really aware of them. The idea of him getting serious with someone or having more kids kills me.

I don't think I want to be back with ex. He's terribly rude & generally awful to me. I think he just hates me and blames the whole split on me. I know this isn't true but do think I was partly in the wrong / not in my usual mind because of the sleep deprivation thing I mentioned...I think deep down we probably love each other still, but too much has happened now.

So the AIBU is really AIBU to carry on wallowing, how do I move on. This is 4 years ago!!! I've known people meet & marry their partners in this 4 years but I feel like I cannot move on. I'm otherwise happy but this really affects me daily.

Any advice welcome but please be kind, I feel low about this.

I never thought I would ever move on from an ex, he was from being a teenager, we both married, I had children yet for 17 years we connected and the inevitable always happened. I think sometimes you just have to resist and see there is more out there I am now in an amazing place with a wonderful person who adores me and my kids. I never thought it would be possible. But it is so easy to get stuck in that cycle.

Moving on means drawing a line, and not re-living it all the time. It doesn't necessarily mean finding someone else. It is perfectly possible to live happily alone. Then, when you're not even looking, it's more likely to happen.

Thanks both.

To clarify, I'm not desperate to find someone else. I just can't bring myself to divorce my ex, can't seem to draw that line: keep imagining that one day we might end up back together.

I think mainly because it was such a cruel, unfortunate set of circumstances that led to the split. And I feel huge guilt - ridiculously - for not coping v well with newborn phase.

I know I'm being hard on myself & my ex was utterly awful, but I still feel guilt.

I think I want to now draw that line but just cant seem to do it.

keep imagining that one day we might end up back together

Drawing the line is a decision. You can't decide to stop feeling something but you can decide to move on. You will fall out of love in time once you mentally draw the line, divorce him and accept that the relationship is in the past. Moving on doesn't just "happen" to people (look at mrs havisham) they have to decide to do it.

I remember the day I decided deserved to be treated better than my ex treated me. I remember telling him it was over and then getting a train home and crying on the train with everyone staring at me. The thing was I had cried so many times before but in the hope that he would change or things would change and we would be happy together. These final tears were tears of sadness because I knew it was over. I never cried again over him and now am so much happier than I ever would have been with him. I just needed to make that mental leap to accepting it was over.

@Fruitcorner123 thanks.

Yes, I just think I may need help mentally getting to the point of drawing the line.

Not sure what sort of help would be useful but I can't seem to do it on my ownZ

think mainly because it was such a cruel, unfortunate set of circumstances that led to the split. And I feel huge guilt - ridiculously - for not coping v well with newborn phase.

It doesn't sound like just unfortunate circumstances it sounds like after all those years together you needed him more than ever and he massively let you and your baby down. You don't need to divorce him before you move on, you can divorce him when you are ready. Take the decison today that you will never get back together with him because you are better than that. Accept he will never be able to undo the hurt he caused and just remember that you ended your relationship because you knew you deserved better. He can't go back and undo his horrendous behaviour and it sounds like he hasn't even tried to apologise but blames you.