To just wish a deadbeat dad would say he doesn't want contact?

[googlegoggles]

Stuck in a position of trying to resolve contact for DC

I won't go into much detail as I don't want to be identified IRL and there are complicated factors - mental health, addiction and abuse

But I feel like I wish he would just turn around and admit he doesn't actually want contact! Then we could move forward

Instead it's all games and stalling while I'm the one trying to resolve it! I see tiny token steps here or there to prolong it but no actual evidence he really actually wants contact

And I'm not being pushed into the corner the dickhead wants which would make his lies of "it's her fault she's stopping me" true. I'm sick of that narrative - I've done no such thing!

Argh 😤

What’s stopping you just leaving it entirely up to him? Don’t chase him for contact. Stop contacting him. Don’t offer any contact. Don’t call or text or email him. Do nothing and let him come to you. If he is interested he will make it happen. If not he will stop bothering you.

I agree, I would leave it to him to he in touch with you to arrange contact himself. Chances are he won't bother!

Use his ineffectiveness.
In writing ask for his suggestion for a sustainable pattern of contact. Keep a copy. He sounds unlikely to act and you have made an effort.

Put ball in his corner and leave it there. Absolutely do not chase him. It sounds as though if he has to make any actual effort, he won't. Job done!

YANBU OP but they never will because most of them have a victim complex and use the “my ex is a witch” to win over their latest target.

I stopped chasing ExH when DD was 7 weeks old, she’s now 2.5 years old and ive not heard a peep from him.

All you can do is set people straight. Tell them to ask him what he's actually done to see her.

Or send him a text/email telling him what you told us but in a more polite form. "I'm not going to keep chasing you to get you to see x, when you would like contact let me know and we'll work out the arrangements." Write it in such a way that he can't twist it and say you're blocking him. Make it clear that he's the one dragging his feet.

The only thing that's stopping me is I'm not allowing his lies that I've stopped it to affect my relationship with DC

I don't think it's ever going to get sorted but I need DC to know that it absolutely wasn't because of myself and the blame for that lies squarely with deadbeat dad.

I'm coming to the end of the road trying... I just wish he could just do everyone a favour and admit what's blindingly obvious rather than playing this pretence and trying to turn my DC against me

But why would his voice be more influential than yours?

@DeadGood good question. But I refuse to badmouth to my DC, they need to figure it out for themselves. I'm not stooping to his standards

I'm wary of saying too much that might explain it in case I out myself. Maybe I just need to trust they'll see for themselves in time

The thing is, you can either defend yourself, and explain the way things are to your kids, or you can carry on getting frustrated by the situation as it is.

It's clear, from the outside perspective, that you are tying yourself in knots over this. It's not necessary. You don't have to badmouth him, but you are allowed to defend yourself or give the kids a full enough picture that they will have no reason to believe him.