Really annoyed. Ex husband and our teenage son

[mycatisfatter]

I've been split up from my ex since DS was a baby. He's 14 years old now. He's always lived with me and for many years my ex husband has been very unreliable in terms of contact. I've lost count of the times where he cancelled contact for spurious reasons. He went from seeing DS once a week to once a fortnight because "he needed a social life".

Of course DS is older now and doesn't require a baby sitter any longer so contact has become more regular but with less overnights.

My son's behaviour has deteriorated a lot since starting at secondary school and I've had three years of phone calls and meetings with school over this behaviour. Obviously this has caused my relationship with DS to become quite strained as this has been extremely stressful. It has now been suggested by CAMHS that he has autism and this is why he's struggling with school and getting angry but it's very early days with this.

A month ago I get a text out of the blue from my ex saying that my DS was going to stay with him. DS has not mentioned this and while I was at work he moved out.

I've seen him for half an hour since he left and he says he's not coming back until I get rid of my husband. He can't tell me why he doesn't like my husband but just says he was happier when we lived on our own. I've been with my husband for five years.

I got a text from DS telling me that he's coming home for ten days next week as his father is going on holiday. I don't know why but this has annoyed me. I feel like I've brought him up for 14 years, most of it on my own, and he's basically moved out and ignored me for a month and now wants to come back for ten days and then move out again. His dad hasn't even mentioned the holiday yet.

AIBU to feel upset.

You son is 14 and obviously going through something very difficult.

Personally I’d want to understand what the problem with your husband is.

I do understand you being annoyed but I think there are bigger fish to fry here. You’re in danger of being estranged from your son - what was so bad that he left to live with a father he doesn’t see much? Has his behaviour at school and generally improved since he’s been with his father?

No, if anything it's got worse. I don't understand what is going on and when I talk to my son it's like talking to a brick wall. He can't tell me what the problems are, he just keeps saying he wants to live with me on our own again.

It could be as simple as ex just saying to ds he's not your real dad, he doesn't love you like I do etc. He is busy being disney dad but not to the extent he'll take ds on holiday.

As you say you have bad the tough job of being bad guy, disciplinarian etc so DS is relishing the attention. While ds is there ask to step up contact while staying at his dad's. I suspect DS or his dad will get bored soon and ds will be back.

Use the ten days with your son to try and get to the bottom of what's going on for him. Your ex hasn't been involved or motivated so for him to suddenly agree for DS to essentially live there, he must've said something for ex to really sit up and take notice. What is your current partner like generally with you and with DS?

Difficult. I can see why you feel like that (although you are coming across as a bit of a sulky teenager yourself).

I think that if you value any kind of relationship going forwards with your son, you should use the time he stays with you to find out more about what's going on.

Why does he not like your husband?

Why has it taken 5 years/him moving out for anyone to notice/be aware of this?

Is it a teenage strop or something more serious?

How does he feel about living with his DF? (He might not like it and be looking for an excuse to move back.)

How is his behaviour at school since the change of living arrangements?

Does he feel able to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with you about what's going on? Or will he worry about upsetting you/get defensive.

You might want to arrange some family counselling.

I've tried everything over the last three years to get help for my son (it's a long story but he's been involved with CAMHS, social services, the GP, private counselling) Nothing is working and DS is very closed off and will not engage or talk to anyone. His dad says that he won't talk to him either.

I've lost count of the times that I've tried to get to the bottom of what is bothering him.

I probably sound like a teenager because I am seriously at the end of my tether in terms of stress and worry.

My husband and DS get on ok on the surface. Well enough for my DS to ask him for money every week without any issues. It seems that my son wants me and him living on our own again. There is no problem with my husband it's just my son preferred it when it was just us.

Sorry OP, I did not mean to offend. You've obviously been trying to get to the bottom of this for a while.

The trouble is, your Son's request to live 'just the two of you' again just isn't practical. Are you not allowed a life? Are you not allowed to be happy?

What have previous counsellors said about him?

I have two sons, one who finds it easier to unburden himself, the other just cannot (or sometimes will not) put into words what is causing him to be however he is being. In the past I have tried everything but have had to come to terms with the fact that all I can do is hug, kiss, cuddle him (however much he pushes me away!!) and tell him I love him. Sometimes he does open up, sometimes now.

I think that, as parents, we often get out of the habit of hugging our sons - especially when they are bigger than us! Its hard work sometimes but maybe he's just looking for reassurance that you do love him as much as you ever did and you wont ever put your husband first

Agree with PP that it may be his dad is drip feeding poison somehow.

If he’s going to be off school when he comes home try to take a couple of days off (or maybe just have dinner with him alone and no DH) and talk to him about what’s going on - why was it better when your DH wasn’t there? Was there anything you used to do just the two of you before your DH came along? I know you’ve tried so many things already but he’s opening up a bit in that he’s saying things were better when you were alone so there must be a reason - even if it’s just poison your ex is saying to him you can try and tease that out.

I suppose I'm really struggling with my relationship with DS and I can't seem to really connect with him. When I saw him last week for coffee he was fiddling with his phone and not making eye contact and wouldn't answer any questions about what the issues are. I said that if he won't talk then no one can help, because he's just completely shutting down.

He hasn't opened up to his dad either by all accounts.