To see DP's family even if he doesn't want me to?

[lionlamb]

Apologies if this gets long.

As I have no family of my own whatsoever, it seemed only natural for me to move to be with DP in England a few years ago. We're now starting a family of our own, we're both 28.

DP gets on well with his parents but that's about it. He's always made it clear he was never close to his siblings as they were nasty to him growing up, but I'm starting to think that maybe he's the issue.

He has 4 older siblings, 3 of which have all tried really hard to socialise with us and to make me feel welcome in the family but DP is just not interested. They'll invite us over, send him WhatsApp or FB messages asking if we should do something, and he'll just not reply or come up with excuses. We don't have much of a social life as we work flat out, but as we are expecting our first child, I was hoping he'd enjoy being around family a bit more.

I've grown fond of one of his sisters who has a child of her own but DP doesn't like me seeing her. She tried arranging a baby shower for us but he just texted her back 'no thank you, we've everything we need already' and that was that. He never texts or calls his parents either, but leaves all contact to me which I feel is super rude as they've been very helpful and generous.

I obviously don't share the childhood memories he has, but from what I can tell, his siblings are all lovely people and he doesn't seem to appreciate his parents whatsoever. AIBU to demand that we at least try a bit more for the sake of our baby? And do I have the 'right' to be friends with his sisters without his approval?

Why do you think he's the issue?
If he doesn't want to be close with his sister then you should respect that and try to make some of your own friends anyway not rely on his family. Its up to him to manage his family relationships how he wants to.

I have a very strained relationship with my siblings due to an horrendous childhood and any partner of mine who tried to be friends with them whilst ignoring my concerns would not be my partner for much longer.

Perhaps there is more to this.

Perhaps one of them physically or sexually abused him as a child?

I see no harm asking him again to meet up for a coffee but if he says no I'd respect that. I'd probably still talk to my SIL/Bil if I already was very close to them and they hadn't done anything horrific but I'd be honest to DH about it.

Nope! Or rather, yes YABU!

They are his family. You only know them because of him and, if they continue to contact him when he has made it clear he does not want to know, they are showing you very clearly that they do not respect him or his boundaries at all!

Don't leap into the fray on their side, he will resent you, and quite rightly too!

I think that if you've gotten close to them then it's fine. If he doesn't want to be involved with them then he doesn't have to be. Nothing to stop you doing so especially if your going to have a baby! They shouldn't be shut out of their grandchild/niece/nephews life just because he doesn't like them.

I think you should respect your partners decision. You can't know the full history, and although they may seem nice now, it is entirely possible that his childhood was awful with them.

Your DP should come first.

You need to find out what they did.

I know siblings who don't get on who claim the other one was nasty, but the issues are jealousy, perceived preferential treatment by one/both parents, inheritance and other random things which aren't abusive.

YABVU.
Respect his wishes, you know nothing of his childhood experiences!

Are you gonna turn up to his sisters engagement party??

I am NC with my brother, for very good reason. If DP were to socialise with him (he knows the backstory though, and wouldn’t) I would feel very betrayed.

I think you should respect your partner’s wishes. Why don’t you want to? (That reads snarky but it isn’t meant to be, I just can’t find any way of writing it that isn’t blunt, sorry. It is a genuine question though)

If the issue is him, is he stopping you making other friends? That's another kettle of fish entirely and you should worry about that IF it is the case.

However if he doesn't get on with his family for whatever reasons, then it's quite the betrayal if you decide you want to form a link with them separately to him. Form your own network that doesn't hijack his relationships if that's the situation.

Where does OP say she has no friends? She said she doesn't have much of a social life, that doesn't mean she has no friends FFS

I think if he doesn’t want to see them he has to be a bit more specific than they were “nasty”

If it was childhood teasing etc, he needs to ask himself why he’s still so affected by it

I think if he doesn’t want to see them he has to be a bit more specific than they were “nasty” Why would a grown man who has made a decision about who he does and does not socialise with have to justify himself?

Imagine he was seriously abused by them... imagine demanding to know why he won't see them and then forcing him to reveal this, outside his own comfort zone.

Imagine he always felt he was the family scapegoat... imagine having to put yourself back into that position, cos your partner quite fancies a party with your sister

Yes, he may need to himself why he is still affected by whatever it was. But in his own time, in his own way and OP shouldn't force the issue by simply ignoring his wishes. There are far better ways to be a supportive spouse than that!