To think my friend is unusual

[EeyoresEars]

Sorry, useless with my phone and posted too soon on my other thread. This is what I meant to ask. Asked MN to delete the other one.

Arranged to meet up with a friend who lives on the same estate as me. We see each other at children’s centre stuff quite often but don’t normally meet up 1 to 1.

We arranged to meet one afternoon so I texted her that morning to say would 2pm be alright. She texted back to say her DS (who’s 3.5) naps from 1 until about 3.45 so she could either meet me at the entrance to the estate at 4pm or at the park or library etc at 4.30 if I was going to be out already.

I texted back to say that’s a bit too late for us as my DC normally have tea about 5.30 so we aim to be home for about 4.45 to get tea on. She didn’t reply but then when I saw her this morning at a children’s centre session she said she was really shocked that I “don’t go out after 4pm” and that it must be “really restricting” to have a strict schedule like that.

AIBU to think it’s unusual for a 3.5 year old to nap that late in the afternoon? She often says he’s difficult at bedtime, which I’m not surprised about if he’s napping until nearly 4pm! Or am I unusual for aiming to be back home around 4.45 to do tea for young DC? I guess I thought people just do what works for them but as she seems to think there’s something wrong with my routine I wondered if I’m actually unusual.

I think both of you are slightly unusual. If it was me, I'd whack something in the slow cooker or make in advance and microwave then you can meet at 4 and stay out till 5.30 (or a little later even if you push dinner on a little), then prep DCs food quick. Or do them a hot lunch and snacky dinner that is quick to prepare.

She's weird though for saying your schedule is "very restrictive" when hers is just as restrictive if not more so!! Could you meet up one morning instead?

I wouldn't say Unusual, I'd say hypocritical. She's making pointed comments about your routine being restricting when she can't leave the house between 1 and 3.45?

You both need to concentrate on morning meet ups going forwards.

It depends on your child. I let mine find their own routines.

At about 3yo:
dd1 napped in the afternoon going down between 1 and 2pm and getting up around 4-5pm. She had tea at around 6pm when dh got home and went to bed at 8:30pm.
Dd2 gave up naps at about 18 months. We had tea closer to 5:30/6pm as dh was working later and he'd be home about 7pm to do baths and bedtime stories at 8pm, because now dd1 was at school so needed to be up earlier so had to get to bed earlier.
Ds slept in the morning. We'd drop the girls at school/preschool, and I'd get back just after 9am and he'd go down for 1-2 hours then. He'd be falling asleep by 7pm unless he had something exciting to keep him awake, so depending on what was happening he'd either eat at about 5pm on his own if he was very tired, or about 6-6:30 with the girls and me.

12 hours is a blanket statement for how much sleep a kid needs

Of course it is. Mine both definitely need that much though! They’re grumpy if they don’t get 12 hours. It suits us better as a family if they have those 12 hours at night rather than, say, 10 hours at night and a 2 hour nap.

We eat at 6ish so I aim to get in by 5, and my eldest DS did used to nap in the afternoon so I suppose I’ve been on both ends.

Nothing is unusual, just different.

They are only 4 and 2 though. I realise they’ll need less sleep as they get older.

I never understand why people eat so late! lol. As kids, I always gave mine dinner around 5:30/6 and we all ate together. Even now that I'm just cooking for me I usually eat around 6:30, 7 at a push! I can't imagine eating at 8:30/9, that seems incredibly "late" to me. But then I can often be in bed by 10 so for me it would be eating very close to bed time.

Same as us! Even pre-kids we never ate later than 7:30.

Luckily we're normally both in from work at 5:30 so we always all eat together at 6pm. And if one of us is going to be late then the other eats with the kids and saves dinner for the second parent.

She is the weird one, for accusing you of having a restrictive routine when hers is just as bad.

I don't think either of you are unusual and fwiw I was "you" in his scenario when mine were toddlers. I had a friend who stuck rigidly to nap routines and I liked to stick to food routines. It made it hard to meet up!

She's a bit cheeky saying your routine is restricting though! So is hers in a way?! My friend always used to have to be home by 1 so her LO would nap as he wouldn't do so in the buggy and she didn't like him falling asleep in the car. Routines are restrictive by their nature. I would let mine nap out and about because they would and they didn't need much sleep but some kids do. Mine always got hangry so keeping to meal times was important to me.

My 3.5 doesn't nap but if she does (even an hour!) we're up until Midnight

Anyhoo.... I think you both sound quite restrictive - so ironically you are probably quite well suited as friends.

My DS stopped having naps by 2 years old but this meant he slept 7pm-6.30am which I liked better. He's about to turn 5 and sleeps 7.30pm-6.30am now.

We always eat early. I work 10-2 so I pick him up from school and make tea when I get home, it's always ready for about 4.30. I don't get a lunch break as I only do 4 hours so we are both ready to eat when we get in!

Everyone has a different routine.

@VogueVVague, I don't know how old your children are but yes, my children require at least 11 hours according to this link.

OP, I don't think either of you are unusual, just different from each other although letting a child of that age nap until later afternoon is bonkers unless you live in Spain and aren't putting them to bed until 10

Oh and we don't eat with the children during the week as DH doesn't get in until 8 so I wait and eat with him.

NHS thinks 3 year olds need 11.5-12 hours a night with perhaps a short nap.
www.nhs.uk/live-well/sleep-and-tiredness/how-much-sleep-do-kids-need/

Honestly it's cultural. Kids in France eat with their parents in the evening from very early on. They have a goûté just after school at 4.30ish.

My exh was horrified when I suggested 6.30 supper . He refused to eat before 7pm and that was really pushing my luck.

Kids nap in early primary here (3-5/6yo) so it seems to work fine them having a later bed time 8ish.

I think it just struck me as a bit odd that she’d say my routine is restrictive but think that having to be home most of the afternoon for an almost 3 hour nap isn’t.

We eat at 5.30 as without naps my oldest is exhausted by 7 so we eat early to allow some playtime after tea and enough time for bedtime routine before 7.

It also seemed a bit weird to me that she’s complained before about her DS being up until really late but she doesn’t seem to see a connection between his long nap and his late bedtime. I guess it sounds like her routine perhaps isn’t working that well for them, but each to their own.

She’s weird. She has a time she doesn’t leave the house but criticises you for the same thing. You could be equally shocked she doesn’t leave the house for nearly 3 hours in the middle of the day.

You could both be a bit more flexible.

At 3.5 she could wake him up from his nap and equally you could give your dc a decent snack and feed later, or take a sandwich with you.

Once you both have more than one dc you'll be a bit more flexible!

Such fabulous friends

fabulous friends Do you actually like each other? You must see the funny side of both being "Really shocked" at each other's routines!

I often wonder how children in the continent manage with eating/sleeping given they often stay up until very late and eat with the adults. I cannot imagine my kids, when toddlers, would be able to keep their eyes open until 10pm or even later, even with an afternoon sleep! Likewise they'd be eating the furniture if they had to wait until 9pm+ for dinner. I wonder this as I have Spanish friends who do this - they are all up, fed and out of the house by 8am and I just think, how?

Mind you, they think I'm odd for putting my kids to bed at 7.30 and ask how on earth they fall asleep then. I'd love to know how the adults do it too tbh - there can't be some genetic difference which means Spaniards need several hours less sleep each night than British people. Maybe they have better coffee

My youngest is almost 6 now, but I suppose I don't tend to be out of the house after 6pm most days, unless they are at their dad's. It is restrictive, but having overtired kids running round manically is not worth it imo. I don't have the energy to do stuff in the evenings now anyway!

You’re both being massively restrictive.. and a bit competitive about whose child should take precedence.
I also think 5.30 is early to eat!

@ilostitintheearlynineties

Can’t speak for her, but I would say I like her. I was kind of surprised at how she spoke to me as it seemed out of character with how she usually is. We’re not super close friends, we usually see each other at the children’s centre a couple of times a week and walk home together, so not exactly best friends or anything but I’d have said we got along pretty well until this incident.

Her kid has a long nap, your kids has to be home early for tea. Morning meets sound better for you.

Also just to say I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her putting her child’s sleep first, I was just surprised that she was so critical of me for doing something that seems similar.