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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to still have feeling for my teenage ex?

7 replies

Ambs81 · 05/06/2018 12:29

Despite being happily married, and with my DH for past 11 years with a DD, I am really struggling as my teenage ex (we were together from 16-18) has recently been brought into my life (not directly), as its really shaken me.
He now lives in another city, and we've never had direct contact, not for at least 10 year anyway, but due to a mutual friend getting married - he's recently gone on a stag do with my DH and its really affected me.
Despite being very young, we had a very toxic relationship - lots of fighting, arguing, falling out.
He would constantly leave me, then a week or so later rekindle things, this went on for years - even 2 years after we broke up.
Aside from all the fighting I felt a very strong attraction, and love for him - he was my first love, definetley, and it took me years to get over him - now I wonder if I really have at all.
The thought of my DH being around him made me feel sick with worry, I don't know why. I feel like I want to know what he was thinking, whether it bothered him on any level, or not.
I also know I will see him at the upcoming wedding. This again makes me feel sick with worry and I think I would struggle to see him with his girlfriend, who is of course likely to be there.
I don't know if this is normal or abnormal to still feel something towards him, funnily whenever I have seen him face to face I dont think I feel anything 'unusual' but perhaps at a distance the feelings I had for him, and the impact he had on my life choices, seem greater.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 05/06/2018 12:35

I felt/thought like this... similar circumstances actually even down to age. When our paths did cross i unexpectedly thought TFFT, i grabbed my dh and felt like the luckiest girl alive. There's a reason it didn't work out... the absence has just played tricks with your brain.

InkSnail · 05/06/2018 12:38

It sounds like you're being reminded of feelings you used to have, rather than any indication of the present and the life you have now. The arguing, on-off nature of the relationship would have intensified the adrenaline back then, so it's not surprising if the memories are quite intense as well. See the thoughts as recollections which may pop into your head but aren't relevant to you now.

Ambs81 · 05/06/2018 15:01

@Pippa12
Thanks, that makes me feel better...I know we were a really bad match but the illogical side of my brain seems to still harbor a lot of emotion towards him!
I think it happening at that age makes it worse, as such a formative time of your life - he has tainted that whole period...
And decision I made re; uni, travelling, moving to a new city were all heavily influenced by him.

OP posts:
Ambs81 · 05/06/2018 15:03

thanks @inksnail
Yes I feel like all the emotions, positive and negative, are coming back to haunt me!
But i just need to categorise them as recollections not active feelings!

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 05/06/2018 15:07

OP read about the Trauma Bond.

BanginChoons · 05/06/2018 15:08

The trauma bond theory. It might help you make sense of these feelings.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.uk.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8

bottleofredplease · 05/06/2018 20:59

A few years ago I had to go away with an old ex for a wedding. I was much more into him at the time than he was me.
Like PP, 15 years on despite holding on to those feeling s for so long I thought he was a bit of a twat actually. Couldn't see what had been so attractive about him!

You might just be fine Smile

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