To cut my friend off

[unicornspike]

Sorry this turned into a rant so is long...
I have had a friend who I’ve known well before we had dc.
We are pretty close and talk daily until recently.
Anyway we had our dc close together and they are now 6 yo and when they were born

Great. Except when the dc were babies she constantly was competing with me even though I could not give a monkeys, so say I got something new for dc she would have exactly the same thing the next day. If I bought a bike she’d turn up next day with bigger better version etc.
As the dc have gotten older it’s moved onto things like if I put my dc in for tennis literally the next day she’ll sign her dc up for tennis and ring me to tell me.

Anyway, I try to ignore this but I’ve now stopped telling her about what activities my dc does as it was getting tiresome never just having my dc just do whatever I wanted them to do without her turning up saying her dc is now doing exactly the same, for some reason she also has to go to different clubs even though we live near each other which I find strange when she’s always telling my dc her dc is their best friend. Apparently.

So she hears from another mum my dc is doing football at school. She calls me up saying ‘oh I hear your dc is doing football you never mentioned that, how comes you never told me how long have they been doing that for then I’ve thought about mine doing football’, you guessed it, they’re doing it now but at a different club.

Anyway I also coach a sport. As a friend I offered to teach her dc for free thinking it would be nice to have mine and her dc do an activity together, she said oh yes sure. This is the only activity she hasn’t seemed to try to compete with my dc doing and bearing in mind I offered for free it did seem strange.
I offered more than once whenever she mentioned the sport and she said sure dc can come when she can fit it in, her bf then told her he wanted to split up with her. She rang me saying her dc will now miss out on all the activities as bf paid for them all can she now come for free to my activity. I said yes sure.
Her dc comes to my lesson and tells me she already has a teacher in this sport and turns out my friend was paying another competitor of mine and not saying anything to me. I have no idea why. I’ve always tried to be a good friend but she’s so competitive the only thing I could think of was she wanted her dc to do better than mine or something as the other coach is in same area as me.
Plus she’s always told me she can’t wait for me to teach her dc?! So basically she only asked me to to teach her dc when she had no money and was ringing me everyday insisting I fit her dc in asap thereafter.

Anyway now she’s back with partner she’s no longer in need of my lessons and it hasn’t been brought up since. I’ve just left it.

Another thing that’s annoyed me is every year without fail she texts me a picture of some extravagant birthday present for dc saying thinking about buying this for your dc £100 bag what you think ? Every year I’m like that’s too much don’t worry and then she sends me expensive items she wants for her dc. I buy them then receive super shit presents after apparently all stores ‘ran out of £100 bag’ fine if this was a normal situation but I feel she sets me up into getting her dc nice presents especially as she requests them soon after her suggestions for my dc.

This year I just got the same for her dc as I would for other dc and ignored her requests. She did the same trick as usual but this year instead of saying no it’s too much to £100 present I said sure get it. Instead she got a notepad and Tshirt for my dc as she said she’s not going to be near a store that does this years bullshit present until summer so she’ll get it then. Sure.

Anyway sorry for rant. I am deeply hurt as I think with the dc being so close in age we could have a great friendship and the dc could be friends but I think the above just spoils it and finding out she’d sent her dc to another coach when I had offered for free, whilst absolutely fine in normal circumstances but it’s the way she’s gone about it pretending she wants her dc to come to me and kept up with the oh yes can’t wait for you to have my dc in your lessons shit that’s got me then trying to get her dc in to my lessons ASAP when she’s run out of money having gone elsewhere anyway without saying anything. I feel stupid as if I’ve let this go on for too long now and it’s time to let it go.
Aibu to let this friendship go. I suppose I do want to let it go but I feel guilty. She calls and then I feel bad because she’s lost a lot of other friends recently as well and always telling me I’m her ‘bestie’ even though I wouldn’t consider it myself. I can’t help but think there’s a reason other women have dropped her as well.

Life's too short for this shit. Either sit her down and tell her to wind her neck in or take the more diplomatic route of gradually reducing contact. One things for sure, your friendship can't continue like this.

I am exhausted by your thread never mind living it!! Detach yourself from her and her drama!! Her poor dc's must be exhausted also!!

Sorry the thread was a bit exhausting, think I was letting off steam
Yes her dc most likely is exhausted. My friend has definitely dropped activities she’s originally entered her dc into to make sure they do the same activity my dc is doing, but at a different club. It seems so strange.

My dh even joked that seeing as I’m apparently the expected level of competition I should tell her one day we’re taking dc to climb Mount Everest or something to see how far she’ll take this!

My dh even joked that seeing as I’m apparently the expected level of competition I should tell her one day we’re taking dc to climb Mount Everest or something to see how far she’ll take this!
I like his style! I would either take a big step back (turn, and run) or have some fun with her along DH's lines. Weren't you buying a new tv just for DC's bedroom? Hasn't he just taken up fishing, windsurfing and kayaking with all the equipment? ..... The trick is to keep everything believable & then when she says she's just got back with a new kayak you can say 'oh, DC changed his mind about that and is going with fencing and archery etc. You should see the lovely bow we've ordered - top of the range. He's so excited' You'll have a whale of a time

The way I would handle this is don't share every detail of your life with her...if she doesn't know something, she can't copy it...

Maybe in some twisted level she either admires you and wants to be like you, or she is secretly jealous of you and wants your life...but I can get that it would get a bit much after awhile...

Next time she copies you and boasts about whatever it is smile sweetly and say you know it's great that's why you ALREADY own it/your kids ALREADY do that activity, etc...and then change the subject

I think I would be likely to make up a fake scenario and say to her...you will never guess what happened...X from work/book club/ my Hairdressers/my beauty salon etc keeps copying me, I buy something and then within days she has it too...isn't that creepy?...and see what her reaction is...

I think you’re right. Maybe I need to take a step back here. I have stopped sharing every detail of my life but then she finds out from other people (live in everyone knows everyone area) which is just as annoying as she then calls me immediately to let me know that her dc will also be doing whatever activity as she heard mine was doing it.

Maybe I will have to mention the children’s polo club we’re thinking of not joining. I suppose I could sit back and enjoy this...

I do find it tiresome though. I like sharing my dc achievements without feeling like the next day someone is going to try to outdo them. The weirdest thing is, as long as her dc is better than just mine it’s ok so say my dc came 3rd in something and hers 2nd that’s ok so it’s not even like she is competing with everyone else to come 1st. Then at least it would be fairly normal competitive mumness.
I find it strange because I always feel I’m being used to set the ‘standard’

You could always try handing her a list and saying 'now I know you like to copy whatever I do so I've written down our latest habits, hobbies and achievements so it makes it easier for you to follow. Would you prefer a list weekly or fortnightly?'

She sounds annoying and exhausting. I would slowly remove yourself from communication, just fading out - answer direct questions only. If she mentions presents just suggest no gifts this year. If she asks to meet, you're busy / your kid is busy / there's no space in your class. If she asks why or challenges you then you need an answer. I think "we're just very busy these days and it's hard to keep up with all our friends" can be enough.

Nikephorus i almost choked laughing on my coffee reading your suggestion, it's brilliant....op please do that and then tell us her reaction

She's nuts - avoid

As I was reading post I was thinking of all the bullshit activities id be telling her dd does and then saw how others thought the same. You must do this and tell is. How about telling her you are entering into a parent and child triathlon.

Tell us

@ElderflowerWaterIsDelish @Nikephorus I haven’t got the guts. Wish I did but honestly I think she’d thank me. She’s quite controlling and I’m quite intimidated by her. She is friends with the schools head and always saying how she’s told him about my dd but feels like she’s trying to intimidate me into staying friends with her ‘or else’.
I’ve heard her saying negative things about me when I was younger to people that don’t me and told her it’s not on but then I stay friends with her. I actually think there’s something wrong with her but my dh has pointed out I’m not going to fix it so just cut off.
She keeps calling me. I do feel bad. But I’ve got to the point where I’m so tired of telling her anything and she’s signed up for it the next day. I just remembered a time I said I really want to go to this new restaurant (a very specific theme restaurant something that I would like) do you want to come with me and she said yes then the next week she sent me loads of pictures of her there with her dp saying it’s the best.
Trying to think of all the shitty things she’s done as my passive nature isn’t liking ignoring her!

Next time she does it, could you ask her why her children are doing things your children have chosen rather than choosing things they’d enjoy for themselves? It’s so weird.

Is she definitely copying you to try and compete or could it be she is trying to have more things in common with you? I am wondering if she is thinking if your kids are doing the same things then that means you have more things to talk about and therefore a better friendship.

Regardless, it sounds tiring as hell.

@Okadas I want to believe the latter but why wouldn’t she then just put the dc in the same clubs as mine? It is tiresome hence me considering I just can’t be bothered to deal with it. If she put dc in same classes I’d say she wanted us to be closer friends and fair enough even if I didn’t want that. The separate clubs and the fact she went to someone else for a sport I’ve coached for many years makes me think otherwise.

@ChasedByBees I think we’re still at a stage the dc can be fobbed off into believing they did actually want to do tennis/football etc
However your point makes me think she can’t keep this up forever as the dc will probably refuse to keep changing activities eventually.

I would have been tempted just to have a bit of fun with her BUT the one thing that I would take to heart is the fact she used a competitor coach for her DC instead of coming to you for free. I would never do this to a good friend, I would even insist on paying them if it was their actual job. She doesn't want to be close friends with you, she wants a friend she can compete against and that is not a real friendship. Start distancing yourself.

Let it go.

I have a school mum friend who is similar especially with the presents.

I actually do miss her company as she is great fun but I know she is actually unhinged and I’ll end smacking her one!

It sounds exhausting.

I think you need to weigh up what you get from this friendship - do you still enjoy your time with her? Do you have a laugh? Thoughtful conversation?

Or does she just cause you stress and negativity? Is she having a negative impact on your life, and no longer fun or interesting to be with? Are you remembering your friendship as it was with her, not as it is, and out of loyalty to that just sticking it out?

If you’re mainly in the second category I think it’s time to pull the plug. Friends do fade from our lives and it’s sad, but it sounds like she’s causing you stress - and friends shouldn’t do that.

You've got yourself a frenemy there. Back away slowly.

She is friends with the schools head and always saying how she’s told him about my dd but feels like she’s trying to intimidate me into staying friends with her ‘or else’.

Or else what? She's going to bitch about you? Not be friends with you? She is telling you she talks about you and your DC behind your back. This plus the activities copying and the CF gift thing isn't really the kind of thing a real friend does.

Thanks @MrsPeacockDidIt that’s what hurt the most, it is my job and I get the good results for the dc so for me that’s what started me thinking I shouldn’t really be friends with someone willing to do that and behind my back. I wouldn’t even have minded so much if she had given an excuse as to why she needed dc to go to a competitor.
Another thing is seeing as we have many mutual school mum friends I wonder what she’d been saying to them as it why her dc isn’t in my club as I’d been open about looking forward to having her dc. I feel a bit stupid and naive not realising earlier tbh.

She does sound like a bit of a piece of work.

If your DC are now around 6, I would expect that over the next few years they'll start dropping some things in favour of keeping others up more seriously, so in a sense all of this will resolve itself over time.

The thing about the coach (paying your competitor) is nasty. And the presents make her sound like she's out for all she can get.

I think you need to decide how much you value her in other ways, how much your DC get on (although with all these activities, I can't think they've got much spare time to spend together in any case) and then make a choice from that.
At least you're wise to her now. Keep what you can as quiet as you can, and no more being ripped off for gifts!

I can’t think of a single thing that is worth keeping this ‘friendship’ for.

Do you know for certain that she is friends with the school head, or is this her version of reality? Could he be possibly thinking ‘oh no it’s that nightmare woman again!’ To himself? In fact, have any of your mutual friends said anything about her to you, knowing that she isn’t averse to badmouthing you to others?

FWIW I think there is something deeply flawed about her personality, and I’m not surprised her BF left her. The wonder is he went back, frankly.

I think from 6yo DC choose their own friends and which parties they want to go to, and who they want to invite to theirs. If they are all in different activities (and may change to new ones and drop others) it may be easier to avoid this woman.

Unfortunately yes and the head has even told her (she told me this) the activities my dc was signed up for which no one else would have known as was before term started which just added to my nightmare. It really made me wonder if I cut her off any other implications this might have and I think that’s why I’m still here wondering how to deal with this.

she does say things about me but in a way that makes it sound like she ‘didn’t mean it like that’ like the time she told some school mums a story of me being very drunk as a teenager and embarrassing myself, I didn’t know the mums she was telling and when I walked into the room she said, oh I was just telling my friends (people she’d known about two weeks) about that night 10+ years ago. I kept thinking why. I even said to her straight after that wasn’t kind but she just brushed it off saying she just thought it was funny( she knows I don’t think it’s funny)

I’m glad I posted this. I think I just needed to know I’m not being unreasonable in thinking this isn’t a friendship. I suppose I’ve been a mug and I want to walk away from this now but I suppose I don’t know how to, especially given her relationship with the head who’s already proven themselves unprofessional discussing my dc with her, (they are friends outside of school not just know each other from school)