To be really angry and upset

[Beaubeagle]

My mother and I have been NC for over a year. Long story but she’s very selfish and overbearing. Plus she is the nastiest person I have ever met. We have never had a good relationship. The last straw was when she stood in my home in front of my 3 DC screaming and shouting at me. Her last screams to me (before I threw her out) were that I am ‘a little b and always had been since I was born’. My DC heard this. After that I wanted no part of her in my or my DC’s lives for obvious reasons.

Fast forward to today and I’ve just found out from my eldest (a slip up it would seem) that my EXH (who my mother hated because he ran off with another woman and left my alone with 3 DC and a messy, expensive divorce) has been taking the DC round to visit my mother behind my back!

I’m so angry and hurt right now. I don’t want her in my children’s lives. She’s nasty and spiteful and not a role model anyone would want.

I honestly don’t know what to do. My EXH is not reasonable and would tell me it’s none of my business if I approach him. AIBU to be so upset?

I didn't want your post to go unanswered.... I would be absolutely fuming too. I'm afraid I don't really have any wise words. I assume your children have to see your ex. It must be such a difficult situation.
My daughter is old enough now to decide whether she has contact with her Dad or not.
I know it's no comfort now, but it does get easier and as they get older they will see your ex and your Mother for the people they really are.
What you are going through right now is so hard and you must be hurting so much.
Sending you an unmumsnetty hug x

My username gives a clue to the pain my ex has put my daughter and I through....

That's so backstabbing it's unreal ! Cheeky bastard. Does CFXDH know about the latest with you and DM ? (not that it makes any difference) and do your kids actually want to go around there ? It's made worse presuming your kids have been told to keep schtum ? I think you need to take matters in to your own hands and lay serious boundries..easier said than done but XDH needs to understand how you feel.

God that is awful.

Is there a court order?

Would it be possible to look into getting a restraining order against your mother?

You could try reverse psychology with your text to Ex:

'Wow, played like a fiddle. I've got to hand it to her, she really is an actress! Look, I can't stop you taking our children to see that woman but I want you to know a few things. I stopped her seeing our kids because she was and is and will damage them. She is a nasty piece of work who has slagged off both me their mum, and you, their dad, to them - and she will continue to do so. She hates you. She hates me. She's laughing at us both now, I'd think - you for eating out of her hand and being manipulated into doing her dirty work for her, and me as she'll be enjoying the thought that she's getting to pour her poison into the kids against my wishes. She's just using you to get at me.

I get that you don't want to listen to a word I say or feel as if you're doing my 'bidding.' I get that. Just know that I don't want them seeing her because I don't want that crap being poured into them and if you could think about that I would appreciate it. I feel a lot better with her out of my life and I'm not going to start an argument with you over this as that's exactly what she wants. She wants her grandkids to see their mum unhappy and their parents fighting. I don't, I've never felt better since telling her where to get off. So, I'm just going to continue explaining to them why I think we are better off without her around, and happier, so I guess they might come to you with questions on that too. Don't lie to them please- you should know enough to know that with my mum in the picture it will all blow up soon anyway.'

I'd go through a contact centre from now on. He can go see them there and not take them anywhere. He can't be trusted and has proven that.

I went through something similar. I was nc with my dm for about a year for various reasons. She contacted my exh and arranged for him, our dd, his gf that he left me for and their 2 dcs to go around there on weekends that he had contact. And they all got my dd to keep it to herself. She was about 7 at the time and I was so furious when I found out as you just don't tell a 7 year old to lie or keep things from her mother. I'm back in contact with my dm but I''ll never trust her again.

So your situation, it is your business, it's your child, of course it's your business. It's none of HIS business, this is your DM, not his, he has no right to be taking her to visit your family, especially against your wishes.

Thank you for the support and taking the time to reply. I feel so hurt and upset right now. My mother is toxic but she plays the ‘I’m so I’ll card’ (she isn’t) to get sympathy from anyone who will listen.

My EXH has a court order so I can’t specify where he can take the DC. Sadly it was another act of control for him to get exactly what he wanted, whilst I raise actually the kids.

I sent my EXH a watsapp last night telling him I was upset and didn’t want the DC being taken to see my mother as it completely undermines me. He hasn’t even bothered to reply.