To wonder is it rude to take so long to reply?

[treeinthedistance]

OK, so this is probably quite a boring issue but I really just want some opinions.

I have a friendship with a lady which dates back a very long way - i.e. we've been mates since infant school. She is a very nice lady but can be quite scatty etc and has never been the best at keeping in contact, I always seem to be the one who has to make arrangements for us to meet, etc. She often takes a few days to reply to messages etc but it has never bothered me massively as she has always come back.

I've lately been having a health issue, and recently she messaged me on Facebook to ask how I was and was there any news, etc which I really appreciated. I replied to her questions and asked her how was she? and suggested we could perhaps meet up soon as haven't been out for a while (but didn't suggest anything specific.)

This was a little over two weeks ago and she still hasn't replied. The message was marked as read on the day I sent it, and I've seen her online almost every day since, so I'm fairly sure she is around and OK, i.e. not in hospital etc which might explain the lack of reply.

AIBU to find this a tiny bit hurtful and rude? I certainly don't expect people to come back to me instantly, we all have lives. But I can't help thinking that it takes two minutes to type a message back to a friend and if she really wanted to talk to me she could have managed to do so given more than two weeks. And I don't understand why she would initiate contact with her original message and then totally ignore further communication. What was she expecting?

I know I am probably just being needy and weird. But I would never ever take this long to respond to someone I cared for and valued and I feel a bit fed up that I always seem to be putting more energy in to this friendship.

What do you think?

I had this the other way round. Someone who has terminal cancer and I messaged to ask how they were. They read it, but no reply. I do feel a bit hurt but maybe they just can't cope with fielding questions.

She's probably done that thing of thinking in her head about her reply, then thinking she's actually replied but hasn't! Then will be mortified when she goes back to see why YOU haven't replied to realise she only thought it not did it.
Not that I ever do that.
Oh no.
Never ever.

I've done that rednails! Or actually typed it and forgot to send it. OP just send her another message to say you'd like to meet up.

Now you've given me hope that she isn't just ignoring me... I didn't know people did that Rednails I'm amazed if she hasn't realised though after 2 weeks!

I have done it lots OP (because o am a distracted half wit!) Maybe she thought you'd follow up when you were well enough. Don't let it fester if it's a friend you like. Miscommunication is so easy on SM and you probably feel vulnerable because you've been unwell.

Thanks wearelocal... you may be right about that.

It probably doesn't help that I've always struggled to make, and keep, friends. I have very few really good friends so it just seems a bit hurtful when the friend I DO have doesn't seem that interested in keeping in contact with me. I start to wonder if I'm somehow putting people off!

Trees, a few good friends is great. Sometimes we all feel like the one making the effort in a friendship. Please give your friend a shout and arrange a meet up. I'm sure you'll feel much better if you do. Will you let us know how it goes?

I would bet she meant to reply later and then just forgot, or thought she'd already done it. I do that and feel awful when I realise.

I often think "must look at calendar and reply to that" but then forget. I also often have Facebook open in a browser and leave chat windows open, so it marks things as read, but really I haven't seen them, and then I close the tab without looking, and miss it completely.

OK, I will drop her another line and see what happens. I find social interaction really hard sometimes, never quite sure whether I'm reading the other person correctly or just overreacting.
I will indeed update if/when I hear back. Thank you for the nice calming words

JoanFrenulum, it has never occurred to me that you could do that! I thought if FB had marked it as seen that the person must have read it.

I hope I'm just getting my knickers in a twist for no reason. My head's not been in a great place recently.

Yes just message her again. I know what I’m like, if I don’t do it pretty much immediately it doesn’t get done.... and I frequently type out the reply and forget to hit send and then am wondering why they haven’t replied......

I think it’s easy to tie ourselves in knots about something so simple. There’s so many reasons people don’t reply. They might have lots going on you don’t know about. Life is busy. I think once you start overthinking it you’re done for. The immediacy of social media means everyone now seems to think everyone else if rude/doesn’t care if they dont reply immediately, but really, why should we put ourselves under that pressure?

What happened OP??

I have a whole list of people I need to contact and the problem is, yes it would take a minute or two to reply to one person, but then there's still others I haven't contacted. Then when I do reply to them, they'll reply back to me, which puts them right back on my list of people to contact again! It's a never ending circle! Plus I've been feeling distinctly anti social lately, for various reasons, so have been somewhat avoiding entering into conversations (with MN I can just post and leave!).

My point is, I still think the world of those friends and it definitely isn't personal. I'm aware I need to make more effort. But your friend not responding to you, is not a reflection on you as a person.

I do this a lot and it's the fault that I"m most ashamed of. I think about my friends A LOT but never seem to get round to writing that long chatty email because so much other crap gets in the way. When it comes to meeting up, the delay in response is usually because I don't have some key piece of info like, will my DH be home to do tea, or did we agree to go to the ILs that weekend, and I hang back from committing until I've found it out. Then too much time passes and it looks rude and I feel awkward about responding!

I think rather than leaving a huge open-ended gap of possible dates/times, it's sometimes much easier to make a specific suggestion - "I'm going to be in X on the 15th; do you want to meet up?" - or even leave it until the last minute - "I've just discovered I've got an hour free this afternoon! Fancy a coffee?" .

But I can't help thinking that it takes two minutes to type a message back to a friend and if she really wanted to talk to me she could have managed to do so given more than two weeks

Sometimes I don't reply because although it will only take 2 minutes, I'll then get involved in a conversation that will take much longer than 2 minutes, and I just haven't got time for that.

And then I forget to reply at all.

It's not personal. People just have stuff going on in their lives.

treeinthedostance any luck with your friend?

treeinthedistance previous spelling fail. Have you been in touch with your friend? (I'm a bit invested now )