To think you don't throw a party for someone who doesn't want one?

[whichway81]

My very home-loving, quiet DSD turns 21 soon. She doesn't haven't many friends, spends a lot of time online, although has recently made a couple of friends/acquaintances at work, which is lovely to see.

Her dad, my 'D'h, is adamant that he is throwing her a 21st party, because "that's what you do" apparently. He has asked her a few times and she's said she doesn't want a party. She said she'd like to go to dinner with immediate family. He asked again recently and she said she doesn't mind, probably because she's fed up of him asking her! H will be inviting his immediate family, my family and all of HIS friends.

Basically it's an excuse for him to have a party with his friends. It's causing issues between us, not necessarily because of the party, but because I am very upset that he cannot just seem to understand that not everyone is like him, not everyone wants to get drunk and party. That his child is not that kind of kid, and that by throwing this party he could actually make her feel really uncomfortable, as she will have zero friends there. I feel like he's not respecting who she is as a person and can't comprehend that she's not an extension of him.

He's making me feel like I am a kill-joy. Maybe he's right. I am kind of fed up with him generally at the moment. But I do feel like he is being incredibly selfish to throw this party.

YADNBU. Your DD has said what she wants - meal out with immediate family.

Why the hell doesn’t he care what she wants? Thank goodness she has you sticking up for her and listening to her. If he wants to throw a party then he should do so. For himself not using her to justify it.

Ask her if there’s somewhere she really likes or somewhere she’s always wanted to go to and then, with her agreement, plan the small, special, family occasion she will enjoy.

He’s being a pillock. It’s HER birthday. He needs to put her wishes first and stop being selfish.

Does he do this with you? Steamroll over your wishes and do what he wants instead? He sounds really annoying!

Meant to add, your DH is being a selfish bastard, ignoring what your DD wants and 'blaming' you for not agreeing with his booze-up.

Why doesn't he have his own party?
Meal out with immediate family sounds great.

It certainly isn't a party for her is it, especially if all his friends are there. Even if she wanted a party no one wants a 21st birthday party full of their father's friends?

She should ask him when he's having his party and tell him she'll be out on that evening.

He's being incredibly selfish. If she's someone who doesn't like parties or fuss, it's going to be a thoroughly miserable evening for her if it goes ahead.

She's not a child, if she says she wants to go out to dinner with family then that's what she will enjoy.

It's her 21st, it's not about her father and what he wants.

Why does he think anyone would want a party with their dad's friends there?

Parties can draw attention to the fact that a person doesn't have many friends - it's an awful thing to impose that on someone, especially on a day when they're meant to be celebrating.

Tell him to organise a party for himself for his next birthday and to take his daughter out for a meal, ffs!

Tell him he's well on the way to embarrassing them BOTH.

So he throws a big party 'for his DD's 21st' and all his mates come along and... that's it. Some family. DD sitting quietly with, err - you? Her siblings?

Surrounded by her dad's friends all drinking and hooting and doing air guitar to The Darkness?

Way to go, Switched On Dad!

Why is he inviting HIS friends to her party?

And if other family member's friends were to be invited, why is is not also invited your friends, not to mention the friends of his child?

Surely, if there really was going to be a party it should be the people she wants there, not who her dad has invited to entertain himself.

Your dh is being very selfish and putting his own wants and needs before those of his daughter's.

I'd be tempted to ask if she wants to go away for the evening with you for a special treat and leave him to it. Let him have his own non-birthday party for himself.

Please don't. I have a frifnd who does this to me on occasion and i hate it. I have times i like a party and timed i dont want one. Respect her wishes

Hanging out with your dad's mates in your 21st is the worst way to spend it. He IBU, YADNBU

Thanks for your responses.

AnneLovesGilbert - his behaviour has become very erratic over the years, and yes he does try to steam roll me but I don't let him. I feel like I am constantly having to bring him back down to earth and I'm exhausted by it to be honest. Pretty sure I'm going to leave eventually, but have two younger DC's together and worry about them dealing with his behaviour if I'm not around all the time to stop him in his tracks. He's gotten worse over the last 6 months. Sad really. He was a relatively nice guy for many years, but suffered with depression and hasn't been the same since.

HollowTalk - that's exactly what I've said to him. That he will be highlighting the fact that she doesn't have any friends of her own there and god knows what affect that could have on her.