To have spoken to my ex about getting married

[Jellysandwiches]

I am recently single but was in a serious relationship for 3 and a half years. We lived together and talked about everything.

The reason for the breakup was just the spark not being there any more but when everything was goin right, we did talk about weddings and our future together. If I saw an engagement ring or wedding venue I liked, I would have always pointed it out to him - not expecting anything imminent but just as a matter of fact conversation and as a man he’d just nod along but never get particularly excited, nor defensive.

Anyway, I’ve since had conversations with friends who asked if we had spoken about marriage when we were together and who were mortified when I’d said yes and that it would have been brought up in casual conversation regularly.

I thought it was pretty normal to talk about these things with a long term partner - am I wrong?

I guess they think it makes you look a bit desperate to be constantly pointing out rings and venues if he wasn't interested.

We had 'the chat' about marriage and agreed it was what we wanted. But we never purposely discussed venues or anything until we were engaged. It was we both want the same things, end of chat about it so to speak.

Why were they mortified? On your behalf?!

Seems odd. I mean, I'm sure you are better qualified to gauge whether your conversations with your own partner were appropriate or not at the time.

Make sure you get some serious coaching from them on How To Act Around A Gentleman With Intentions before you start another relationship.

Lesson 1:

Coy Laughter
Dropping the Handkerchief
'Why, Me?'

etc. etc.

I think pointing out rings and venues when you haven't decided to marry is a bit over the top.
Expressing a general liking for something (eg I really enjoy smaller weddings) is different. Specific wants is a bit desperate - sorry OP

I agree pointing out rings smacks of desperation.

Desperation?! How ridiculous. I think it’s much more ‘mortifying’ and ‘desperate’ not to be able to talk openly with the person you’re most intimate with.

Perhaps a bit age dependant? If you are mid 30's ideas and thoughts of weddings will have come up naturally especially as your friends marry etc in your early 20's not so much.
I think after a couple of years it's at the put up or break up stage so throwing comments about weddings about isn't that odd.

It’s women who DON’T talk about this stuff who find themselves surprised when a guy doesn’t want to get married

It’s all over the boards here. You should be able to talk about this stuff with partners

Mortified? Weird reaction

Nah. I talk about this stuff all the time with my dp, we know it’s probably at least a decade away, but it’s what you do when you’re with someone you’re committed to, surely?

This mortification is from people who think we are in a rom com. Normal friends talk about things. ‘Oh, I liked princess Diana’s ring, I’d love a ring with a sapphire’. That’s normal. So if your partner is not a friend you’ve got problems.

I have never understood how two people in an intimate relationship are not supposed to talk about marriage and people are left hanging for years, usually the woman, wondering when they're going to get proposed to. There's no way I would accept that level of uncertainty and lack of control over my own life. DH and I had an open discussion about marriage once we had decided we were serious and spoke about what we'd like to do for a wedding, timing etc. in the same way we'd talk about any of our plans for the future - how else can you know if you're on the same page? I find this coyness over marriage very puzzling

Can I ask if any of these mortified friends are actually married?

Totally normal.