Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband admitting to fancing other people!

16 replies

Mishmash4 · 04/06/2018 13:27

Ok so, name change here!
Watching a film last night, old married couple were shown, and conversation was started about how it's only our grandparents that we have know with really long marriages, normal chatter about relationships, and DH dropes into conversation that he has crushes on a few other people but it's normal. Wasn't a serious conversation and he obviously thought nothing of what he had said. I asked if he meant celeb type crush, witch I think everyone has, and he said yes, but just in general too, like people he works for and things. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and conversation trailed of.
It has left me feeling quite upset though. Maybe it's because other than some celeb or sportsman, iv never had an actual crush on anyone iv met since we have been together. Maybe its because these are people he knows and sees on a regular basis.
Or because my self esteem is quite low after 4 kids and a big weight gain, (that I have now lost 3 stone of), I'm nearly there with the weight loss, but feel pretty crap still.
We have been married 5 years, together 10 years. There has never been any jelously or paranoia. Iv never even thought about this before he told me.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset about this, or is this completly normal, and just because iv never had a crush doesn't mean it isn't.
I don't want to raise this with my husband if this is just me being silly. It wouldn't change anything any way, as it has been said now.
So feel free to give me a kick up the bum if IABU.
If not, how do I get past this so that it doesn't eat away at me

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 04/06/2018 13:31

I think its totally normal to fancy other people.

I'd be leaving DH if I wasn't allowed fantasies without him taking it personally

TheStoic · 04/06/2018 13:33

You’re not unreasonable at all to feel upset, but crushes are quite normal.

It’s hard to tell if it’s just about open and honest communication (good), or thoughtlessness and not caring about your feelings (bad). Only you can tell what his motivation was in telling you.

jainaproudm · 04/06/2018 13:36

I think this is pretty normal - my DP knows I get a bit giggly over a friend's dad (who is married, much older etc), he knows I'm not even contemplating anything other than appreciating that he's a good looking bloke, and he frequently takes the piss out of me for it when we see him ("there's your boyfriend" etc). He fancied a waitress we had on holiday and I laughed at him for going a bit red when she took our order. I would say that there's having a bit of a harmless passing glance (whilst knowing you are happy and secure in your relationship and that you're just admiring someone who's a bit of alright) and then there's actually fancying someone, thinking about them all the time etc. I think they're probably both normal in long term relationships but the latter I'd be concerned by. The former, I couldn't get worked up by.

Bringmewineandcake · 04/06/2018 13:36

Normal for me too, so I’d be hypocritical if I said DH couldn’t have crushes! That doesn’t mean I’d want to hear about them tho so I can understand why you’re upset.

nolongerblue · 04/06/2018 13:40

He totally shouldn't have told you that. There's a very good reason we have evolved to tell little white lies. No-one wants to hear their partner has a crush on a co-worker ffs!

Laserbird16 · 04/06/2018 14:03

It is perfectly normal to find people other than your partner attractive and I don't think he'd be telling you this if he didn't feel comfortable enough with you to be open and that he had no intention on acting on any of these crushes, unless he is a git.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit low and need to feel a bit better about yourself...spa day? Grin Or more seriously, keep looking after yourself and do some fun things with him or just for yourself.

My DP has said he probably couldn't refuse Scarlet Johansen. I've asked him to let me know when she calls and I'll set her straight.

Bluelady · 04/06/2018 14:07

I've been known to draw my husband's attention to a beautiful woman. I know he'd never do more than look and he wouldn't be human if he didn't do that. Nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping.

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/06/2018 14:10

o fancy Kylie Minogie and have done for 20+years.. I also quite fancy Julia Bradbury..

one doesn't exclude the other, it doesn't mean indont fancy anyone I'm with. it doesn't mean I'd ever cheat either.

PsychoPumpkin · 04/06/2018 14:13

If my husband has crushes I sooo don’t want to know. I’m sure we all have them but ignorance is bliss.

Mishmash4 · 04/06/2018 14:22

laserbird Grin my DH always says it would just be rude to ever turn holly whilloby down Grin.
This type of thing has never bothered me, or him having a second glance at an attractive stranger, and as another poster said about her DH and a waitress, this wouldn't bother me either.
But It feels really odd to me to know he has a crush on people he sees most days.
I don't think he said this in a bad way, or to be mean, we generally talk openly to each other. He didn't even realise this would bother me I don't think.

OP posts:
jainaproudm · 04/06/2018 15:31

I think that's pretty reasonable then! The fact that he even mentioned it is pretty good evidence he thinks very little of it in general and isn't secretly harbouring a full blown emotional attachment or anything :)

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 15:35

It was a bit shitty to tell you though. I wouldn't care if my husband felt that way, I know many peoole do but to say it openly (esiecially if you are having self esteem issues) is a bit hurtful. Also to the second glances at attractive waitresses-yuck! I would be quite embarrassed if my husband was ogling people.

WelcomeToGilead · 04/06/2018 15:36

Yeah I prefer my husband to
Pretend he fancies frowny
Old Me with my saddlebags and melted arse

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 04/06/2018 15:37

Crushes are perfectly normal, married or otherwise, and of course they’re bound to develop when you spend a lot of time with someone hence it’s often work colleagues.

It’s whether or not they’re acted on that’s important.

I had a crush on a coworker for about a year and a half. They have left now and while I still see them around, I don’t fancy them anymore. I also never acted on it - the crush never found out about my feelings, I didn’t flirt with them or be inappropriate.

You can’t help how you feel about someone, but you can choose how to act on those feelings, so as long as they are never acted upon, there’s nothing to be concerned about.

LanguidLobster · 04/06/2018 15:40

It is natural to feel hurt but also natural he fancies people at times.

Who's your one night pass? I always remember Jennifer Aniston saying Brad Pitt's was Britney Spears. That's different from someone you know IRL but along same principles.

Branleuse · 04/06/2018 15:42

normal (within reason)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread