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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be crying over a photo of a man I haven't seen in nearly 20 years?

52 replies

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 12:33

I just saw a photo of a man who I last saw when I was about 24. It is a photo of him now. He looked lovely and it made me burst into tears. I never properly went out with him but he was in love with me for a long time during our teenage years and into our twenties. I was aware of it and everyone else around us knew. We were good friends and then stupidly slept together once and it became awkward and strange and I think I pulled away. He is married with three children and I am divorced with a child. I have no intention of contacting him but just spent the last half an hour crying in front the computer screen. I didn't realise how much I miss him and how much I feel that I made a huge mistake. Am I the only one that this has happened to>

OP posts:

Humptyfelldown · 04/06/2018 14:18

I totally understand the nostalgia - 'what could have beens'.

I've seen a photo of my eldest's dad. He looks pretty rough, and I feel guilt that I did that to him.

I put him in prison. I allowed my eldest (at the time undiagnosed) autistic, incredibly sensitive 12 yr old, to testify, which ruined their life as well.

There are times I feel like I don't deserve a life; should never be happy, such is the depth of guilt I feel. I cry over guilt, I wish it was over lost youth instead.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/06/2018 14:18

I agree with the PP who said its not really him you're crying over. It's the time that has passed, the things that haven't gone as you hoped and expected, the fact that you were all younger then, with so many possibilities before you.

It's perfectly reasonable to indulge in a bit of nostalgia, as long as you don't lose sight of the fact that you were never that crazy about him when you actually had to spend time with him!

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 14:21

Well the photo was black and white and that is always flattering!

Maybe all that chat that I was fed by my Mum and Nanna and everyone about playing the field and not settling down too early was rubbish. I played the field loads and still ended up marrying a twat.

staysafe do you live in Suffolk by any chance?

OP posts:

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 14:22

What I mean is, maybe sometimes it is better to just marry the first one?

OP posts:

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 04/06/2018 14:29

'always day dream about this wonderful life I could've had (mainly where I didn't go out with the rat bag I did in my last year of uni!)'

For me this is the killer.
It's not the good stuff that could have happened, it's the bad stuff that did.
I had a very bad and damaging sexual experience that took me many years to recover from and if I had been with my 'one that got away' that wouldn't have happened, damn it!
Of course, other equally bad stuff might have happened instead but it's hard to remember that and it's never easy to weigh it against the horrible reality of what DID happen.
to everyone with similar experiences.

Humptyfelldown · 04/06/2018 14:29

I you weren't in love with him it would have been a mistake. You may feel regret now - you married someone who didn't turn out to be 'the one', but your younger self chose not to engage in romance with this man. He may have been just as bad as your exh - take off the rose-tinted specs.

busymum63 · 04/06/2018 14:41

Maybe he dose the same thing

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 15:28

busymum63 well that is what I secretly hope.... He no longer has my phone number as I changed it when I lost my phone a few years ago. So I like to hope that he thinks of me sometimes and even looks for me online.

OP posts:

CristalTipps · 04/06/2018 15:39

There are times I feel like I don't deserve a life; should never be happy, such is the depth of guilt I feel. I cry over guilt, I wish it was over lost youth instead.

If you framed him for something he didn't do, you should feel guilty. If he committed a crime, you did nothing wrong. If it was domestic violence or some other kind of abuse and you still feel guilty you might want to look into therapy. You didn't do anything wrong.

TenuedeNimes · 04/06/2018 15:45

His wife is probably on here somewhere moaning about his lack of help around the house or her suspicions about him and a female colleague or his snoring or something.

This made me giggle. I dare say it’s true. But I do know just what you mean OP

Humptyfelldown · 04/06/2018 16:03

Cristal - I have had therapy. I hoped the judge would get the help he needed. Thanks though. It's still hard to feel responsible for someone being put inside, even if they deserve it, if you've known them a long time, and are part of their family, who blame you.

He did admit his guilt and apologise to me and his DC when he was finally allowed contact (after DC turned 18). The abuse had been so long standing that I'd become 'used' to it.

DrunkUnicorn · 04/06/2018 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 17:44

DrunkUnicorn well he sounds vile! Lucky escape there. I do know that the man that I am talking about is not like that. I have had contact with him over the years but not for roughly the last 8 years. He is a very nice man - never witnessed anything that would make me recoil in horror. Of course he was a bit laddie in his youth - lots of drunken nights and silly behaviour - but he was only ever lovely to me. Obviously because I was the object of his affection. So even though I could pretend that he has turned into this horrible disrespectful person, I doubt it.

OP posts:

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 04/06/2018 17:53

From what you've said, it kind of sounds like this man was your psychological security blanket. He was more into you than you were into him and had you up on a pedestal, so you could keep him in your mind as an option and feel good that you had the upper hand. You could imagine that he'd been quietly pining all these years wishing you were his.

Now you've been faced with evidence that he didn't do that and went and had a life, and since he looks good and you feel insecure, the power balance has shifted and the cold wind of reality, time and change is blowing on you.

Your feelings are normal and please don't beat yourself up for them, but don't mistake them for something they're not either. You really don't know this man now. He isn't fate or a lost chance. He's a stranger and he never had the answers you need. You do.

EggysMom · 04/06/2018 17:55

I'm back in contact with my "one that got away", not for any kind of relationship (definitely happy with what I've got now!), but he was a darned good friend and I'm pleased that we are now friends again.

candlefloozy · 04/06/2018 18:30

@EggysMom that's lovely. I'd hope to be friends with mine.

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 20:04

My friends sisters husband got back in touch with a woman that he had been at school with and they ended up running off together. Their history was too strong...

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lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/06/2018 21:57

On the other hand deluxetruffles... I got back in touch with my ‘one that got away’ after ten years of pining and a lot of ‘history’ between us, and we ended up having the most awkward snog on his sofa before we parted ways, never to speak again. It was quite the anticlimax.

For every romantic story of reunited lovers there must be at least an equal number of damp-squib stories like mine!

Notcontent · 04/06/2018 22:08

I know how you feel OP. I do a lot of nostalgia-related crying, which makes me feel a bit pathetic, but I am just not in a very happy place at the moment, so anything to do with my “youth” makes me really tearful...

Henrysmycat · 04/06/2018 22:15

I found my ex on Instagram of all places. 15 years ago, he was a start up artist living off money he earned as a child star (in his country). We were from extremely different cultures and lifestyles and in the end, I wanted a career and independence, not to rely on a fading ex-child star to live off. We did some crazy stuff together and we were in love.
He succeeded, he’s a well know artist and aging very well. Still single he is while I’m happily married. I didn’t contacted him, didn’t wanna stir shit but I was so nostalgic. What ifs..... he was charismatic but quite spoilt, he would have been very hard work to be with. That’s what I tell myself.

Original poster

deluxetruffles · 04/06/2018 22:49

lisasimpsonssaxophone yup that would be probably be me and him - lol. How disappointing.... I would very much like to snog him now though.

OP posts:

xsquared · 04/06/2018 23:26

I'm not so sure if you would still think he was a great catch, if you knew he was looking for you online, fancying a snog with you while being married.

Flyingpompom · 04/06/2018 23:37

Oh god OP I feel your pain.
My 'one that got away' died. I am genuinely, very happily married. I actually unfriended him on Facebook cos he shared a couple of racist jokes, and I realised he was a bit if a twat.
That doesn't stop me feeling sick to my stomach when I realise he's gone, we'll never have that connection again. There'll be no big nostalgic reunion, no random catch up, no possibility of one last fling!
In reality I'd probably never have been in contact again, and I'd certainly never cheat on my husband. But it is actually physically painful when I remember he's gone for good.
And I can't talk about it to anyone in real life, cos, you know...DH.
Sorry for rambling...most of that was irrelevant.

candlefloozy · 05/06/2018 14:42

@Flyingpompom that's so sad and I totally understand where you're coming from! It's heart breaking. I'd like to tell mine how much he did mean to me just incase something bad did happen to him. But don't want him to think it will lead anywhere.

LuluJakey1 · 05/06/2018 15:04

I am really happy with DH but I get very nostalgic over my teenage and university boyfriends.

There was one called Matt from Halifax whose family owned mills. He was mad about me and I was never much interested. I often wonder if we could have been happy (and rich), he was very easy going. I actually looked for him on the internet out of nosiness but couldn't find him. DH is much more of a challenge to me and I know I actually like that and it makes me more thoughtful and less bossy.

I had one boyfriend for a number of years from school and uni. He is married and has children. We keep in touch often-don't see each other a lot but talk on the phone, email and have a coffee/lunch every couple of months. We could never have made a marriage work but we both still entertain this notion that we were special together and we have these shared experiences and thinking that we don't have with anyone else. It is all ridiculous really and never more than passing nostalgia for what I was and the dreams I had then. He separated from his wife a few years ago and turned up on our doorstep and DH looked after him, had a few drinks with him and listened to his woes- I was out. He was back with his wife a few months later.

DH is amused by it all. He thinks I can't get over the days when I was a backing singer and the ex was the lead singer and guitarist in a band and that we thought we were going to be famous. I never thought that But I was young and carefree and pretty- no children, no responsibilities, no job, no mortgage, boys queuing up. Now I am almost 40 with two small children, gave up my career to be SAHM and spend my days doing mindless things like cleaning, ironing, cooking and I can see wrinkles everywhere starting.

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