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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with friend

37 replies

narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 12:19

Sorry it's a long one

I've posted recently about my concerns about a friends recent behaviour, but it's part of a bigger thing that has regularly seen me hurt. My friend seems to have a thing for one-upping me, to the point she is utterly and completely insensitive.

I had a stillborn baby boy at full term just 9 months ago. Due to that and other circumstances, I lost the weight very fast. She made comments like 'this bitch just loses weight without doing anything' (those were her exact words)

Recently, I started dating again. Obviously due to circumstances, I'm taking things very slowly. It's only been 2 months so far.

My friend broke up with her ex in that time and immediately rebounded to a guy who has been expressly interested in her for a while. She had previously said she was absolutely not interested in him, she also said this in front of new P so didn't imagine it!

They've been together less than 1 month and we met up on Friday and she tells me that; they've already said they love each other, named their children, will definitely get married and both would be happy if she was pregnant now. She knows I've been struggling recently with pregnancies and babies and how desperately I wish I could be pregnant now (but naturally that's way in the future yet).

She also remarked that me and new P are going 'sooo slow' because we've not declared our love for each other. And apparently her and her new bf have sex 8 times per day Hmm she's also made comments about how they'll be earning 50k+ together etc etc which is of course, far above the combined salaries of myself and new P.

She claims I am one of few friends she cares about, but she obviously has no regard for my feelings whatsoever.

It's the pregnancy part that's really hurt me, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all weekend and it's had me break down in tears. I couldn't really give two shits if she ends up earning more than I do.

AIBU to be upset with her behaviour? Not sure if I'm being oversensitive because of the subject.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 04/06/2018 12:22

I’m so sorry for your loss Thanks

She is not a friend

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 12:22

I think your 'friend' is a bitch! Totally unsupportive and definitely one-upping you. The comments about pregnancy are really unnecessary. I would have told her to get lost way before now... sorry. Flowers

GoldenHoops · 04/06/2018 12:24

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, I know the pain is unbelievable.

As regards to this "friend" I think you need to make new ones.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 12:31

I don't really have any other friends, so that's why I've put up with her behaviour so long Sad we've known each other since we were kids.

Thank you for the kind words Flowers

OP posts:
Jael003 · 04/06/2018 12:43

I put up with a shitty friend for a long time, because she was the only "real" friend I had. Someone else commented that she talked to me like shit and her response was that if I had a problem with it, I'd have said something. So I did. And she immediately blocked me on fb and cut me out of her life. All I felt was relief after that, not to have someone like that in my life anymore. I am much more cautious now, I have no-one I talk to regularly or see regularly anymore, and while sometimes I'm lonely, I'm much better off having casual friendships than holding onto friends who pull me down.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 12:44

also, sorry to drip feed -

I forgot to mention that on Friday she also started pretending as though she had pregnancy symptoms. She kept saying things like 'I keep peeing ALL the time I have noooo idea why'. Except if she were pregnant at all, considering the length of her relationship she possibly couldn't even get a BFP yet let alone any symptoms.

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 04/06/2018 12:47

She’s not your friend and nornis she very bright by the sound of it.

I’d either start to distance yourself, or just cut her out in one go.

You don’t need that kind of friend.

You’ll feel more like meeting new people if you don’t have that hanging over you.

TheGlaikitRambler · 04/06/2018 12:48

No friends are better than this shit friend. She is really no good for your mental well-being. Friends lift each other up, not knock them down.

I am so sorry about your baby boy, I can't even imagine the pain of losing him. This woman is incredibly insensitive, I hope you can remove her from your life, you will not find happiness again until you do.

justilou1 · 04/06/2018 12:49

Omg - if you had a paper cut, this woman would be squeezing lemon juice into it. Friends do not go out of their way to inflict emotional pain on those they love. She must have a lot invested in keeping you in a position that she feels is inferior to her. You need new friends. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s horrible, but I hope this gives you the strength you need to find what you really need from friendships.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 12:55

Don't even know how I'd go about making new friends, I have a history of attracting these kinds of people Sad find it very hard to trust anyone is being genuine.

I've spoken to my DM and she's suggested keeping my distance too. I only just started speaking to her again but I guess if she's having sex 8 times per day she won't notice me distancing myself! Wink

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 04/06/2018 13:00

I don't think this person enhances your life. Start distancing yourself and not being available to see her. Cincentrate ib yoyr own needs and your new relationship with your partner. I'm guessibg her relationship is likely to end up full of unwanted drama that you will undoubtedly get dragged into unless you protect yourself.

CloudCaptain · 04/06/2018 13:02

Do you have any interests or hobby? Join a local group to meet like minded people. See if you click. Treat it like dating.
This bitch is no friend.

Nikephorus · 04/06/2018 13:07

She claims I am one of few friends she cares about
How the hell does she treat the rest then?!
Some people are insensitive - they say the wrong thing but don't mean to hurt. This one on the other hand has gone way beyond that. She just has zero empathy & tact. She's so full of herself that she doesn't care who she's trampling on. In her world it's all 'me, me, me'.
Walk away (run even). Enjoy what you've got, grieve for what you've lost, and don't give her a second thought.

Chocolatecake12 · 04/06/2018 13:09

Do you work? Is there anyone there that’s your age that you can go and have a drink with? Go to the cinema with?
Could you go and do an evening class? THere you will meet new people with the same interests as you.
Do you have brothers or sisters? Cousins around your age that you can invite to dinner?
I think your so called friend sounds very immature, and very unsupportive. You really could do better than having her as your only friend.
And I’m very sorry about your baby. You are doing the absolute right thing taking your new relationship slowly. Do what feels right for you.
Good luck with your future - it will turn out so much better than your friends because I’m sure she is all talk!

cakecakecheese · 04/06/2018 13:31

The Meetup app is a great way of meeting new friends.

This 'friend' sounds like one of those people who belittles other people in order to make herself feel better, it's sad really.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 13:37

@cloudcaptain I was thinking of rejoining karate recently - ironically that's how me and friend met! Just depends on money and time as I've been doing a lot of freelance work lately.

@chocolatecake12 I do, I work full time. I'm relatively friendly with a few people at work but this is recent. I'd been very withdrawn with dealing with my son so have just started opening up to people again now, and prior to losing my son I'd already had some big family losses so hadn't been very chatty then either.

I only really have my DM to speak to, everyone else is pretty tactless too unfortunately. Most of my cousins are a bit older and live the other side of the country, though I'm sure I could visit some time soon!

@Nikephorus I don't even want to know to be honest! She makes me feel pretty awful so I can't imagine being any of these people she doesn't care about.

OP posts:
Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 13:38

@cakecakecheese that's a great idea, I'll see if there's anything local! That's the gist I'm getting too. It's really sad that she would do that to anyone, let alone to me after what I've been through but I guess not everyone makes any sense.

OP posts:
Ravenesque · 04/06/2018 13:44

There's a truism that's it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship which we use to refer to romantic relationships/marriages. The same is true of friendships. Better to have no close friends than have a toxic friendship.

Yes, it might be difficult to find other friends, but not at all impossible especially in the era of social media where there are groups and apps and all manner of things that would help you or any of us find friendships with people interested in similar things, going through similar things, or just nice people who it would be good to have in our lives.

She is a vile person and a very stupid one as well. Two months in a relationship without proclaiming love and your future children's names is not taking it slowly, it's bloody normal! Saying that it's slow to you when nine months ago you suffered the trauma of a still birth - and I am so sorry for you terrible loss Sad Flowers - is disgusting.

You are worth so much more than this. YADNBU, you are not being over sensitive, your (I hope) soon-to-be-ex-friend is a nasty piece of work who needs to be cut out of your life.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/06/2018 13:47

I would start letting her go and distancing myself from her, she is not a friend, but an utter cow. You are doing the right thing, taking it slowly. What naming your ficticious children, she sounds loopy.

justilou1 · 04/06/2018 13:48

Definitely go back to karate. Friends don’t make you feel awful, kiddo. Trust me. I’ve been there. Once you start feeling good about something - ie Karate, you will start to be able filter out all those people who drag you down. Nobody needs that kind of frenemy!

Gottokondo · 04/06/2018 14:00

She's not your friend. She sounds awful. You deserve nice friends. Most people find making friends difficult but are really quite happy to do something together with a colleague or something. Just chat about new films in the cinema and if someone likes one of them suggest to go together. Have a coffee with a colleague after work. Try to plan lunch dates once or twice a week with different people. Invite people to the zoo, or a picknick, or a concert. Some people will turn out to become friends. Just start every week with a plan to do something with someone.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 14:14

@ravenesque I think before I do go joining any apps and things, I'm going to see my counsellor first and see how I can avoid meeting more people like her Sad things to watch out for etc!

She obviously has no concept of how painful it is to have lost a child, and I do hope she never has to find out. But you don't have to have experienced it to have some common sense and compassion!!

@aeroflotgirl it would be one thing if it were just names she personally wished for her future kids, but she and this guy have allegedly sat and thought up names together!

@justilou1 The only thing about karate would be that she'd always claim to have done better at whatever aspects than me, but I suspect that wouldn't be a problem if I cut her out!!

@gottokondo I've had a lot of trouble finding nice friends, this is a frequent occurrence for me, guess I see the good in people too much Sad the people in my office aren't really ones for much outside socialising, but I have been making an effort to go to any office night outs etc! Don't think I could even manage to make a plan with one person a week that isn't new P but even once a month would be a start/

OP posts:
Ravenesque · 04/06/2018 16:45

She obviously has no concept of how painful it is to have lost a child, and I do hope she never has to find out. But you don't have to have experienced it to have some common sense and compassion!!

Exactly! I haven't had what happened to you happen to me, but good lord how could anyone not have compassion?! How could anyone not understand that you don't just bounce back from that and it stays with you?!

I'm glad you have a counsellor to talk to and help you move away from the toxic one and on with the rest of your life. You really are worth so much more than she could ever be.

Original poster
narkedwithanarc · 04/06/2018 18:19

@ravenesque I assume it's just not real in her world Sad she saw no baby, so none existed. Thank you though, that really means a lot.

OP posts:
cjt110 · 04/06/2018 18:22

People who are into competing over everything in life and obe upmanship are often very insecure.

Sorry for your loss Flowers